The gym is continually getting to be more and more of a dangerous place and it has nothing to do with losers not re-racking their weights. As if steroid-induced muscleheads having sex with clothes on wasn’t bad enough, then the conversations you can overhear may send you over the edge.
Before we go any further, if you go to the gym, then you know what a scary place the locker room can be. If you don’t go to the gym, just know that you treat the locker room like you’d treat sex with Britney – keep your eyes on the floor, get in and get out as soon as possible. If I didn’t sweat so damn much I wouldn’t even have to go in. Anyway, if I have to spell it out I will – some old men don’t like clothes. Here’s how it went. I’m changing at the end of the row of lockers after pounding the treadmill. Old Man 1 sans clothes saunters over to Old Man 2, who’s at the other end of the row, and they begin talking about their weight. Old Man 2, who’s wearing clothes and standing uncomfortably close to Old Man 1, mentions how he needs to lose 25 pounds. I don’t tell him that he needs to lose at least 50 if he wants to see his 60th birthday, which is probably coming up in a few years.
So anyway, Naked Old Man runs down what he ate the night before and how his weight fluctuates. As he does this I’m wishing that I could tie my shoes faster. Then they start talking about how fat Americans are and how disgusting everyone else is. Normally this kind of stuff isn’t even worth writing about, it’s just that the self-righteousness oozing out of these two individuals made me sick. Here’s how their conversation continued. Mind you, they were standing very close to each other and practically screaming at each other, as if everyone else needed to hear their conversation.
Naked Old Man – Americans are so fat.
Extremely Large Old Man – America’s a disgrace.
Naked Old Man – No one walks anymore.
Extremely Large Old Man – I just drove through the South. They’re all so fat.
Naked Old Man – All they eat is fried food.
Extremely Large Old Man – They look like they’re all about to drop dead.
Naked Old Man – You should see West Virginia.
Fat people calling other people fat disgraces…The only real disgrace that went down was that the fat dude didn’t mind talking shit about other fat dudes and that he did it standing so close to a naked dude. Normally this kind of stuff wouldn’t even make the column, but I have to take up for the South now even if I can’t get with their music. Living the last five years in VA is pretty much the South and most people down there think of New Jerseyians as slimy, greasy wannabe New Yorkers, and for the most part, these two fools are proving that they’re kind of right.
There’s only a few rules you need to follow if you go to the gym and it really shouldn’t be that hard. Re-rack your weights, don’t wear flip-flops, don’t fondle brawny bitches and don’t carry on conversations about what a disgrace America is when you’re not wearing clothes and standing within 12 inches of another man. Yuck.
Onto more important things…
“Follow My Lead” leaked off 50’s project and he was apparently done promoting Curtis after that. Now he’s not done promoting it. Something smells funny around here and it’s not Chris Tucker’s acting ability (although if that could be bottled up, it may cause some paint to peel off walls). The single was supposedly not supposed to leak until October, yet everyone with Gmail account and a pinky in the industry was blasting it off like they were supposed to have it. When I asked Sha Money about it, he said it was Interscope’s fault. Maybe it is.
However, let’s look at “Follow My Lead.” When I interviewed 50, he said that was his favorite song on the album. He even got Dustin Hoffman, for what it’s worth, in the video. All signs point to them going hard with this. If this is the biggest single off one of the biggest albums to come out on Interscope in the last three years, don’t you think there would be a little more care involved in the handling of the material? Wouldn’t there be some contracts involved where the video guys couldn’t send the video to their friends and the suits at Interscope couldn’t forward it around like monkey sex emails? I’m guessing Jimmy Iovine didn’t email his tennis partners like, ‘OMG, look at this new 50 video. Itz TiTe!’ If he did, the recording industry has more problems than they or anyone else realizes.
But seriously, let’s look at how many people should have been in possession of the “Follow My Lead” assets. Whoever shot the video would undoubtedly have a copy but would also be sworn to secrecy on it. 50 Cent would need to have a copy because he has to approve it. And maybe one suit at Interscope needs to have it for approval as well. That’s it. The publicity department doesn’t need to have a copy of it. Nobody else in G-Unit needs to have a copy of it. Dr. Dre doesn’t need to have a copy of it. Only three or four people needed to have a copy of it and if anybody else did, then they’re probably messing something up.
And let’s also consider that 50 Cent is signed to Interscope. It’s not like he’s signed to a small label with a thirsty intern trying to establish a good relationship with DJs and websites by sending them exclusive material so that they’ll break the intern’s artist, who is probably the dude’s BFF from high school. This is not the first big project Interscope has ever had. They know how to deal with exclusive material. That’s why they’re referred to in hip-hop as “The Machine.” Unless The Machine has a few nuts and bolts loose, which is entirely possible, I think “Follow My Lead” was supposed to leak now. You can disagree all you want, but the more I thought about it, the more signs I saw that it leaking was highly unlikely.
Of course Interscope is probably going to say it was a leak to play along with the publicity stunt, but why hasn’t anybody been fired yet? 50 embarrasses anybody that crosses him, so you know he would definitely end whatever is left of the dodobrain that leaked the song’s career. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t see 50 brushing the whole thing off like it’s cool. If it really was a leak, we need a name.
Honestly, after listening to “Follow My Lead,” I think it can do well at commercial radio, but I don’t think it’s that smash that’s going to get 50 the 8 million albums he thinks he’s going to sell. If the song leaked, and that’s a big “if,” then maybe it’s a blessing because I think 50 can come better than that.
Is it just me or does Styles P’s “Stop Skeemin’” sound a lot like 50’s “I Get Money”? What works for 50 can not work for everyone else. Styles may even say that he recorded “Stop Skeemin’” before 50 recorded “I Get Money,” but does that really matter? Dude released it about a month too late. That’s one song that never should have seen the light of day. And please tell me that sampling old-school lines for choruses is not going to be the latest trend. Whoever dresses Kanye thinks that’s a bad look.
Here’s a good contest for Kanye’s Graduation – the winner gets to go sunglass shopping with him and Paris Hilton. But you must wear a color-cordinated backpack to enter because we all know how good of a look that is.
And with all these songs about how these lames have money, would it really kill somebody to talk about how to get the money besides referencing some twisted Scarface fantasy? Rappers still doing freestyles over “I Get Money” think that’s played out. Wait, no they don’t. They don’t think. Sorry.
Tim Donaghy is going to take the easy route and plead guilty to a bunch of charges. I know I touched on it last week, but it really is disappointing that Carmelo has been so quiet. I was hoping last week’s column would have been that kick in the butt that ‘Melo needed to stand outside the court with his Stop Snitching t-shirt. Troy Hudson wants to be a rapper. Where was he? He probably could have afforded a t-shirt or two off the profits he made from selling less than 60 albums.
It’s looking like the other big name of the summer, Ron Mexico, is going to take a plea bargain after all his friends got cold feet and agreed to testify against him. I guess they’re not going to get season tickets to whatever Arena League team Ronald ends up on when he gets out of the bing. Anyway, FoxNews.com reported that Mike Vick’s situation just got a lot worse when a former dog breeder who’s locked up for wire fraud sued the electrifying quarterback/dog killer for $63,000,000,000 for stealing two of his dogs, selling them on eBay and then using the money from that to purchase missiles from Iran because as well know, Ronald Mexico is down with al Queda. I’m sure that when the brothers Vick aren’t serving underage kids booze, stomping on calves and drowning dogs, allegedly, they find the time to plot against the rest of the world. This isn’t Pinky and the Brain. It’s Pinky and Pinky.
But if Vick wants to buy Iranian missiles, more power to him. Go for it, Mike. You never know when you’re going to need an Iranian missile. One day everything seems fine and the next minute you’re reaching in your back pocket for the launch button because that pesky defensive coordinator isn’t worried about your passing game because he realized that no matter how impressive you looked on Powerade commercials launching footballs out of the stadium, in a real game your passing game leaves much to be desired.
If Michael Vick were to stockpile Iranian missiles, that would not bother me at all. Give the man some privacy. If he needs missiles, he needs missiles. You wouldn’t bother that old man in an expensive suit hanging out in Penn Station reading through Playboy and all the other porn rags before buying a Sports Illustrated and quietly walking out, would you? If dude wants to creep out every other person in the Hudson News, let him. He’s got every right to peruse nudie mags in front of mothers and children, possibly even his own mother, wife and child or children. Anyway, if Vick wants to buy Iranian missiles and use him for what he wants to, let him. Leave the guy alone. Seriously. What’s your problem?
Now if the dude’s going to be electrocuting dogs? That’s where we have a problem…
How badly do you think the Falcons want former barfighter/UVa alum Matt Schaub right about now? I’d much rather design an offense for an average barfighter and above-average quarterback than an international terrorist and Madden Pro Bowler.
Mos Def apparently got in a fight with a photographer who took his picture without permission. At this point, shouldn’t Mos be happy that someone wants to take his picture? Yes, Mos dropped some classic material and has done his thing in the movies, but when’s the last time anybody really cared or felt a song from dude?
Calls to Tru Life’s camp for Tru Life to take me back to school shopping have been unreturned.
You can also check out http://benjaminrubenstein.blogspot.com. He’s also panicking that I’m not going to return his Blood Diamond DVD that I borrowed in May. If anyone wants to borrow the DVD…