I was running the other day when two people were going by me on the bikes. Whenever that happens, it’s usually pretty uneventful. Most people don’t say anything while the more cautious and usually helmeted bikeriders say something like, ‘On your left.’ What I never heard bikers say to each other was, “We could beat that pussy up right here.” Yes, I know I heard right because I wasn’t rocking the headphones. “We could beat that pussy up right here,” the chubby man said to his chubby female friend. She shyly nodded in agreement. What a tease! 

I could have stopped right there, pretended to stretch and probably been a witness to roly-poly sex, but luckily my shoes were tied (double-knotted, to be exact) and I was able to make it out unscathed. That’s probably one of the worst things I’ve ever heard next to those two fat, old people in the hospital waiting room having phoneless phone sex. Whatever goes down when your blinds are drawn is completely your business. I don’t want to know how and when people get their freak on. That’s your business. Please, let’s keep it that way. 

In all honesty, I think hearing one 300-pounder mercilessly crushing his huffy gasp out to his female mirror image about “beating her pussy up” is scarier than listening to Maino and Uncle Murder try to one-up each other when sitting around the campfire. S’mores? Who want’s s’more bullets bullets?!? 

Props to Oregon State for repeating as the College Baseball National Champs. And no props to North Carolina for losing again. And although the game was out of reach in the bottom of the 9th with two outs and a 3-2 count, you can’t go down without swinging, but that’s exactly what they did. Although the pitch was a little inside, you can’t expect to get that call in that situation. I’m just thankful that the reporters had the decency to not ask the Beavers how they planned to celebrate this one, because “the finest daggone horse in all of Oray-gin” probably doesn’t know what he or she has coming to him as soon as that team charter touches down at PDX.

 
At least the North Carolina baseball team can head over to Durham and sip wine coolers with JJ Redick and his boys. 

I recently saw the Scurry Life DVD. It’s always interesting to see these DVDs, because oftentimes you see whole different side of the game that you thought only existed in fairytales and pissed off KRS interviews. 

The DVD opens with a reminder for all of us to stop snitching, which actually came in handy because I was about to call the maker of the DVD player to complain about this giant red stop sign that had infiltrated my TV screen, but then I said, “Nah, I can’t snitch. You’re cool with me, DVD player.” I think I heard a digitized sigh of relief. 

After footage of a dude blowing his brains out and a voice extremely reminiscent of Simpletext (my main junior high and high school memory is typing inappropriate words into Simpletext and when the tired, overworked teacher wasn’t looking, make the poor lady hiding inside of the Mac say what I typed in all of her over-pronounced glory), a group called Eyez B and Terra are featured. 

It is here that we learn about their movement, the “Quiet Movement.” I’m still not sure if the Quiet Movement relates to snitching or playing music at barely-audible decibel levels. Whatever it is, I wish these guys would hire me as their marketing agent. I would have them doing all their interviews and music videos in sign language. What better way to show that you’re down with the quiet than by not talking? 

The actual star of the DVD is my boy Hot Waterz, known to some as Denzel, which I’m guessing is a reference to his acting ability, but who knows…What’s so gangster about Waterz is that while other dudes are worried about their plastic guns being photogenic, he’s chugging out of his gallon of Poland Spring. Talk about living up to your name, even though the water was probably chilled or at room temperature. We’ll let that slide for now. 

Other highlights of the DVD include Drag On’s interview, as he explains his diss track to Lil’ Wayne (the ‘Fireman’ controversy) as a “mistake corrector” and later shows his ability to multitask, as he rolls a joint and gives an interview at the same time. Later on Domination will take part in a music video, rapping at times with food in his mouth. Talk about literally being a “spitter.” 

Not to mention anyone specifically, but over the years I’ve seen enough DVDs to come up with one main question – are DVDs the best way to fully capture how maladjusted rappers really are when measured against the norms of society? 

If there’s one producer that should be worried right about now, it’s probably the king of the short answer, Mr. 9th Wonder. Little Brother just dropped their new single, “Good Clothes,” and it’s still got that signature LB sound, sans 9th. I think it could also be the best single LB has ever dropped, mainly because they’re not rapping about rapping. Regardless of whether or not you want to hear the guys talking about getting clothes on discount or being directed to the “husky” section when they were kids, you can still appreciate the fact that the single has a theme and they covered it the way we would expect LB to. If the rest of their album shows as much growth as the single, a lot of fans could forget that 9th was a part of the group. 

And that’s bad for more than the obvious reason that 9th won’t be getting his run when the album Getback hits stores (if it ever does). It’s also going to show that maybe Phonte and Pooh were the real creative forces behind the group from the jump, even if it’s not true (although from everything I’ve heard, Phonte plays the role of producer in the group). The pressure has been on them to make a dope album because 9th’s diehard fans are probably hoping they skid without him, but if their single is any indication of how the rest of the album will be, 9th’s the one who could end up on the hotseat. 

You know it’s the summertime when the two biggest themes of the past two weeks have been sex with horses and fat people having sex in public. 

Q: What did Poison Pen say to Immortal Technique when a thief stole his plate of crepes at Ihop? 

A: Hey, we could beat that pussy up here! 

Don’t let the cymbal crash hit you on the way out.