Last week we touched on some key things on how not to get songs on HHG. Of course, there were some I forgot. Here’s a few more ways to get tracks on HipHopGame (nooottt): 

Tell us how much better you are than everyone else – It’s probably the most convincing argument any artist has ever made about their perceived level of talent. Nothing says “the future” quite like you telling me you’re better than Nas, Jay-Z and whatever southern artist is hot at the moment. And of course I’m going to take your word for it, because nine times out of ten, those tracks recorded in the basement of your best friend’s mother’s crib are much better than an entire catalog of platinum-selling albums. 

Tell me how much trash there is on HipHopGame – It’s pretty much a given that you’re not going to like every song that goes up on HipHopGame. Hell, there’s probably even an episode of Full House that I can’t get down to (doubtful, but let’s just assume it for the sake of argument). But the same way I don’t call up Danny Tanner when he’s competing with Vinny Chase for ho’s is the same way you shouldn’t complain about everyone else getting posted when you’re not. The best is when artists tell me everything we post is trash. Since those artists are too stupid to see the cracks in their own logic, I’ll spell it out for them – if everything is so garbage and we have no idea what we’re doing, why do you want to even be on the site? 

Throw an old Jay-Z accapella on the second verse – There’s really no better way to work with Jay-Z. The chemistry is almost always 100% natural whenever you jack someone else’s verse and Pro Tools it into your song. Trust me, I’ve taken plenty of Rick Reilly columns and pasted it into here. And yeah, that means I wrote with Rick Reilly. Just don’t tell him. 

Keep in mind, this does not apply to the majority of people who send in music. The majority of people, whether they get their music onto HipHopGame or not, are very cool. As Billy Crystal said in Analyze This, “It’s a process.” 

A lot of Poison Pen’s readers have left disappointed when reading his newer journal entries. Why? Because Pumpkinhead is not there to sabotage them. I reached out to PH to find out why he had given up on the subjournal: “It was too much drama,” he told me. “I didn’t want the journal coming between me and one of my longtime students, Mr. Heron, known nationwide as Poison Pen.” Just in case you were wondering. 

If you haven’t gotten laid by the time you turn 73, there’s a very good chance that it’s not going to happen. Just don’t tell that to Shivcharan Jatav of India, who at 73, is taking his 10th grade high school exams for the 39th time in hopes of “improving his job and marriage prospects.” A lot of people like to say, ‘Never give up.’ Unfortunately, there are some times when it’s best to cut your losses short. Give it up, Shivcharan. 39 times? How do you fail the 10th grade 39 times? I can see staying back a year if you absolutely have to, but if it didn’t happen for you in 1969 and every year after, then it’s probably not going to happen in 2007. 

And I’m no eHarmony, but I’m guessing that there aren’t too many females with a fetish for a 73 year-old man with a 9th and possibly 10th grade education. Even if Shivcharan passes his 10th grade test, what kind of job is dude going to get? Is he going to go from cooking the curly fries to rocket science or is he going to go from the curly fries to the waffle fries? Good luck, Shivcharan. 

How ‘bout LL showing he still has some fight in him? Dude is not going anywhere anytime soon as he rips into Jay and LA Reid on “Queens”: “I wish Rick and Russell was back, I miss the old Def Jam/’Cause them new monkeys act like they don’t know who I am/The promotions and marketing wasn’t worth a damn/Now they on the balls again because 50’s my man?” 

And now that G. Rap is officially on a track with 50, let the rumors that he’s going to sign with G-Unit start again. 

Here’s some more good G-Unit news – 50 Cent is talking about taking a break from recording after his next album. How I will get by without any new “Disco Inferno”s is beyond me, but with the strength of friends and family, I know I can get through this. 

How ‘bout Akon going all Ruben Studdard on us and apologizing? I must admit, dude is showing some incredible insight for apologizing for things that have happened and will almost certainly happen in the future. I think I’m going to use that line as well. Why not? No matter what happens in the future, dude can just say, “Yeah, I know you’re mad, but listen, I apologized for that in that one song I made that one time. You remember, right? It should be on iTunes if you really want that apology.” Akon’s got the right idea. Get it all out of the way at once. Say you’re sorry once for everything you’ve done and will do, and you’ve basically got the green light to go ahead and do whatever you want.

 
The ones who should really be nervous about the apology are all those 14 year-old girls who already ordered their ground level Akon tickets on Ticketmaster. 

And if Akon apologizes to one wife, does he have to apologize to all of them, or are a couple of his wives cool with him dry humping children and only one of them doesn’t approve? You have to love the line, “I’m so proud to call you my girl.” The only thing he left out is “one of my girls.” But no matter what happens in the future, Akon never has to apologize for being able to throw a fan ten rows. That’s something to be proud of. 

There’s a lot of talk that Uncle Murder really didn’t run when he had some sort of confrontation and he made a video talking about it. If you’ve seen it, don’t you think Uncle Murder could be the stunt double for the “Unforgivable” dude on YouTube? He’s got that great delivery he looks genuinely pissed off at the camera. Then Medina, the club promoter, apparently is refuting everything Uncle Murder is saying. Who cares? After what just happened with Stack Bundles, does all of this childish shit even matter? 

How much does it suck about Stack Bundles? I never met him or interviewed him, but I have never heard anyone say anything bad about dude. Even if they did, it wouldn’t matter. Rest In Peace to Stack Bundles.