Glad to see Clinton Portis weighing in on the Michael Vick dog fighting situation by saying it’s fine and that everyone should leave Ron Mexico alone. Hey, as long as the moral compass that is Clinton Portis says it’s okay, then I guess it’s okay. Clinton, just because no one outside of northern Virginia gives a rat’s ass about you or your football team, if that’s what it is, it does not mean we want to or need to hear your thoughts about anything, ever.
I’ll never go PETA on anyone, but how does Clinton Portis justify dog fighting? How is training and starving dogs so that they kill each other even remotely healthy? I don’t understand how anyone could find that slightly entertaining, but how do you get to the point where you want start breeding dogs for fights and that seems like a good idea? And if dog fighting is okay to you, what else is okay? Would Clinton be cool with training some babies to fight? Is dude hiding out somewhere in the hills of Virginia with a bunch of killer animals and posting YouTube clips under the alias Clinton Mexico? The fact that dude felt the need to comment on Vick’s situation says two things – 1) he’s probably into some very weird shit and 2) you could probably do anything and Clinton Portis would approve of it.
While some people may say that Clinton Portis hurt himself by standing up for Vick, I think he really gave himself a future for life after football. Dude’s got a great career as a politician. I mean, who wouldn’t vote for a dude who likes to kill dogs for fun?
And if that whole politics thing doesn’t work out, then he can probably freelance as a publicist. Maybe he can start a new firm with Terrell Owens’ former publicist (“Terrell has 25 million reasons to live”).
After all, Ron Mexico has 101 reasons to live.
Lil’ Mama’s people are trying to publicize the fact that the retard writes her own rhymes. That’s like hiring a blind, deaf chef and explaining to all of the restaurant’s patrons that the chef does indeed cook all the meals by herself.
Comedy Central is apparently going to do a Flavor Flav Roast where all of Flav’s friends make fun of him for the entire show. I could be wrong, but isn’t that what The Surreal Life, that show with the female Rocky and Flavor of Love were about?
And does anyone else find it ironic that a member of one of the most pro-black groups in hip-hop history is a part of promoting and attempting to reinforce some of the most demeaning stereotypes existing in society today?
DMX is dropping his Greatest Hits in June sometime. No word yet on if the album comes with the official DMX Driving Manual. I would love to handle the marketing on that project. Free FBI badges to the first 100 customers!
How’s this for a news story? Laurie Ann Gibson, the choreographer for Making the Band, is claiming that Michael Bivins held her while Diddy threatened her with a chair. Bruno thinks that’s grrreeeaaattttt. How bad do you have to mess up the Harlem Shake to have a billionaire threaten to go Hulk Hogan on you?
“Laurie, do you call that a two-step? That’s a one and a half step. Fix that, fix that.”
“I’m a professional and these people are out of shape. They’re too fat to completely get that second step in.”
”A two-step requires two steps, one step and then another step.”
”Okay, guys, let’s try it again because Puff Daddy doesn’t think you’re doing it right.”
(dancers unite, try it again from the top)
”That’s an electric slide, Laurie, and a poor one at that. I’m going to call you Bore-ie from now on until you get it right because that’s exactly what you’re doing to me. You’re boring me.”
(Bore-ie starts crying as Puff is just starting to warm up)
“Hey, Bore-ie, I want some cheesecake. Can you go to the store-ie for me?”
Assistant holding umbrella drops umbrella, bows down on both knees, stares up admiringly at Diddy Doright. ”Puff, that was freaking awesome! Hilarious! ‘Store-ie’ rhymes with ‘Bore-ie’ which rhymes with Laurie, which is the name of that incompetent bitch who can’t do the two-step!” (Laughs so hard boogers spill profusely from his nose. Assistant must wait for Puff’s okay before wiping. Puff does not give his okay yet.)
If Puff is flattered by the compliment, he doesn’t let on. “Hey, Band, you guys suck! You’re fat, ugly and have no talent!”
Cameraman fidgets before speaking up. “Puff, the cameras weren’t on. I need you to redo that.”
“Okay, but did I seem angry? I really wanted to seem angry at them. Tell me if I’m angry. Truth be told, I don’t care what happens to them. They’re getting dropped after this season goes to DVD. It’s this Bore-ie bitch that’s bothering me.”
Bore-ie is crying in the corner as Puff takes off his stunna shades and smiles to the cameraman. “Hey, I got a better idea.” Everyone huddles in. Bore-ie attempts to join the huddle but Michael Bivins’ icy stare stops her dead in her tracks. “Now look, Michael, you’re going to hold Bore-ie so she can’t move.”
”Bore-ie is really Laurie, right?”
“Yes. Hold her and I’m going to take that chair...”
”Isn’t that a little extreme?”
”Have I ever been wrong about anything, ever?”
Cassie and Yung Joc look at each other, both hope someone says something fast.
“On three, everybody, I want you to yell, ‘Hit that, hit that,” and then continue to chant that once I have the chair in my hand. Ready? One, two, three…”
Ice Cube is apparently shooting a movie titled First Sunday. After Friday After Next, am I the only one hoping someone can convince Ice Cube there’s only two days to a week? Maybe more people than I think are holding their breath to see what kind of movie title Ice Cube can come up with for Wednesday and Tuesday. Maybe Spiderman and Pirates of the Carribean finally have a rival…
Young Jeezy has created a contest to promote his single “Dreamin’”. Showing to be the creative genius we all know he is, dude is asking fans to tell him about their dreams. Not only is that extremely boring, it’s also extremely creepy. Little kids everywhere are asking, “Mommy, why does the Snowman want my dreams? I don’t want him to have my dreams. I want my dreams! Mommy!” Jeezy’s not getting my dreams either.
And just out of curiosity, what happens if this whole USDA thing doesn’t work out for Bloodraw and Slick Pulla? I’m sure Fortune 500 companies are dying to have two employees named Bloodraw and Slick Pulla.
“Mr. Smith, this is our newest hire, Bloodraw.”
”Pleased to meet you, Mr. Bloodraw.”
”Nah, it’s ‘Bloodraw.’ Don’t throw that mister shit around here, Smith.”
”I’m sorry.”
”Don’t make me get Slick Pulla out of his cubicle.”
I’m guessing those two discovered at an early age that job applications were not designed with them in mind.
How’s this for some depressing news? Mike Jones’ American Dream album has been pushed back to July. When? July. When? July. But in the meantime, fans can email questions to Mike at askmikejones@gmail.com and he’ll answer them. Fans are encouraged to keep the questions simple, like, “Why are you the hottest rapper ever?” and “How’s Michelangelo doing?”
05/13 - 
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