I saw a sign posted outside of a store the other day that I thought was brilliant. In Sharpie, someone wrote that they will “babysit, do yardwork and DJ” and that they accept cash only. If I had kids, I would definitely leave them with whoever that was. I mean, there’s multitasking, and then there’s this. If this isn’t hustling, I don’t know what is. The guy’s plan is genius. He’s figured out that parents need babysitters and that the lawn needs to be mowed when it’s snowing outside. Plus, when you’re doing both of those, wouldn’t you need some music to go along with it? Of course you do! That’s where his DJ’ing skills come in.
If someone only accepts cash, I’m guessing that’s not the person you want to leave your kids with. Nothing says “vagrant drug addict” better than “cash only.” And if you’re offering to rake leaves in February, I’m guessing you’re not going to know what to do when the kid starts choking on the nuts and bolts you fed them because they looked like Cheerios.
What happens if the kid is scared of the dark? Are you going to light a small fire in his room to get some light? What if the kid wants to be read a story? Are you going to be able to read to the kid or are you going to be too busy flossing on MySpace with your soon-to-be-acquired $20 to read Goodnight, Moon? Can you even read? We know the babysitter/lawnmower/DJ can either write or knows somebody that can write because the sign didn’t write itself.
For the record, I’m the last person who you could consider an expert on babysitting, but I do know this: offering to rake my leaves in the winter, watch my kid and DJ at the same time is not a good look. At least now Drama and Mick Boogie will have a new hustle if this mixtape game doesn’t pick up soon.
Speaking of mixtapes, I don’t think I ever realized how bad it is to listen to the same ones over and over and over again. Maybe this mixtape crackdown is good in the sense that when they come back, they will be less like Walmart furniture. Walmart furniture, at least for me, is good for about two weeks, max. Take for instance the futon I copped. First night, comfortable. Second night, wiry. Tenth night, broken.
And think of all the money some mixtape DJ’s could have made selling 50 vs. Cam tapes with the new disses on it. I would have really, really wanted to hear that.
As long as we’re talking about Cameron and Curtis, it would probably be a good idea for the both of them to worry more about why they haven’t made a good song in over two years instead of worrying about the other one and calling your new enemy by his government name. I guess that’s the new diss. My Poison Pen diss is coming soon. It’s appropriately titled “Bartholomew Arnold.”
But you have to give props to Cameron for trying to make himself relevant again. Despite 50 staying relatively calm and listening to everything the baller baller was saying on Angie Martinez’ show, Cam was getting hyped up over nothing and screaming into the phone. Curtis stayed calm and intelligently explained his side while all Cameron could do was yell, “Cuurrtisss, how much did the Mobb sell?”
And what can you really say about 50 Cent that hasn’t already been said? Calling 50 a snitch is like calling OJ a murderer. Maybe he did, but does anybody even care? The average hip-hop fan does not abide by the code of the streets, which is probably a good thing, so whether the rapper is a snitch probably doesn’t matter as much as whether or not the rapper has a catchy hook and a danceable beat.
“Whoever let you sign off on those G-Unit tank-tops is stupid like your dumb-ass.” Props to Cam for calling 50’s bra tops homo. Because real men wear purple.
And it’s not like 50 is coming out of the mud sparkling clean. While “The Funeral” is just as entertaining as “Curtis,” was it really necessary? 50 takes these beefs like Eli plays quarterback – with no emotion. You can hear the anger in Cam’s voice when it cracks. Curtis got to Cameron. Meanwhile, these “beefs” really don’t mean anything to 50 other than being a way to stay relevant to hip-hop fans while he makes his R&B tracks for the ladies. That’s why it’s stupid to get excited over shit like this.
And a quick note to Alan Grunblatt – you probably don’t want to call up anymore radio stations. Running Koch might get you busloads of college girls and an unlimited supply of Stop Snitching t-shirts, but it doesn’t work everywhere.
Is it bad that Cormega’s “Use Mad Clips” makes me want to use mad clips?
You know what’s weird? After last week’s column, I got a box of manatee burgers in the mail. Now I will have the fuel necessary to ghostwrite some Miami rapper on Def Jam’s next album when I get the call. I am getting the call, right?
As long as we’re talking about Miami, it’s amazing to me that Atlantic would rather push Plies than Quan. No disrespect to Plies, but all Atlantic is doing is hopping on the Miami bandwagon the same way they did the hyphy bandwagon when they signed Mistah F.A.B. I know Slip-N-Slide has that deal with Atlantic and all, but is it such a chore to push Plies that you can’t push another up-and-coming artist at the same time? And who knows when Saigon will get a release date…
I didn’t get any negative feedback last week to my comment about how empty popular Southern music was. That was good because I chose my words carefully when I said that and they didn’t get twisted.
I don’t think I need to back up my claim, but for those of you who think I do, take this line from DJ Khaled’s “We Takin’ Over”: “I got more jewels than your jeweler.” I’m not even going to take the time to go back to the song to see who said it. I don’t remember and the sayer of that super-simple line is insignificant at this point. My first obvious question is how did that line get past DJ Khaled? How did no one step in and say, “You know what? We really appreciate you coming by and wanting to get on the song, we just don’t think you’re a good fit for it.” Or they could have made an excuse. Have Khaled look at his 2-way, frown, and then tell the rapper his deal just got canceled. Said rapper will leave the studio quickly, no questions asked. Then you just have to hope he doesn’t see the flyers all over South Beach when the album finally drops.
And if that dude has more jewels than my jeweler, does he also have more cars than my car dealer, more milk than my farmer and more TV’s than my TV seller? Does he have more diseases than my hospital? Does he have more books than my bookseller? I think the only good thing that can come out of a line like that is that we’ve now reached the height of simplicity and we know exactly what its hideous, gnarling face looks like.
I don’t know how all of you celebrated Valentine’s Day and I really don’t care. Whether you went out to some fancy restaurant, IHOP or just read old Poison Pen journal entries, I really don’t want to know. What I really didn’t need to know was how Bow Wow would be celebrating his Valentine’s Day. And no, it’s not by passing out Spongebob cards with a box of Sweethearts to all his classmates.
Apparently since he can’t get a real girlfriend, he’s doing what everyone else does who’s flying solo and afraid to talk to girls – seeking them online. Is this where hanging out with Jermaine Dupri will get you? Bow Wow is searching for his “Virtual Valentine” via MySpace. The only difference between you and Bow Wow is that he can ask girls to send him videos and it won’t prompt said girl to call the police and file a restraining order.
Here’s the quote to promote the contest: “Female fans are invited to send videos confessing their love for Bow Bow to bowwowvalentine@gmail.com.” Yes, Bow Bow. I didn’t know things were so bad for him since Ciara left and all, but damn, things must be really bad. You’d have to be in a major drought with the females to have your publicist resort to asking for videos online. I’m sure Poison Pen could send him some porn passwords if he’d ask nicely.
Hopefully that’s the end of the Bow Bow news. I’m sure Ciara is somewhere watching old Bow Bow videos and crying.
I recently got asked to post a Field Mob song for Black History Month…
I heard the Grammy’s recently took place. I guess that’s one of the advantages to not having cable. I have absolutely no idea who won any of those fake awards and I have no idea what VH1 is doing right now. And to think I used to pay to know that.
I’m in the process of currently starting my own business. I can’t offer internships just yet, but soon I will be able to, so stay tuned. I’m thinking something along the lines of manatee hunter/baggy jean seller/clip-user. Let me know if you need work.
05/13 - 
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