Here’s a memo to everyone who’s ever waiting a waiting room at a hospital with your significant other. I know it can be stressful if your partner (or one of your partners) is going in for a surgery, no matter how minor the surgery is. Let’s face it, surgeries are scary and hospitals are not great places to be. All this considered, it still does not make it appropriate for you to have phone sex with your loved one without a phone in the middle of the waiting room.
I was unlucky enough to see two homely people sitting in the corner of the waiting room. The man was waiting to go into surgery and the woman was obviously shaken. To combat their collective fear, they decided to talk about what they would do when the guy got healthy. Unfortunately, bike riding and Disneyworld were not in their vocabulary. The dude told the girl loudly that she would be giving him “pussy” and that she would be “blowing [him] off.” A two-month old Newsweek can only take your mind so far, and no matter how hard you try to focus on that outdated political cartoon, it is not enough to block out the image of these two nasty, doughy people rolling around on each other on their genuine naugahyde couch while watching reruns of The Brady Bunch.
Sprint may just be the best phone company in the world. After the first two episodes of 24, their ad came up, which is the greatest ad I have ever seen after an episode of 24. The ad showed a phone with a built-in map and asked me “Do you want to drive like a government agent?” Hell yes. The answer is hell yes I want to drive like a government agent. I have always wanted to drive like a government agent and I have been waiting patiently for a company to finally realize and understand my driving, burning desire to drive like a government agent. You have no idea how badly I want to cut through three parking lots en route to Dunkin Donuts just to beat the crowd before they run out of their marble-frosted donuts. I am now patiently waiting for a company to tell me how to order donuts with extra frosting like a government agent.
Props to Fox 5 News in the tri-state area. After doing a story on a group of 9th grade girls videotaped beating up an 8th grade girl, the female reporter offers this gem: “next time you beat somebody up, don’t videotape it so you don’t get caught.” Word is the camera cut away before the reporter could tell kids the best places to buy crack and why smoking cigarettes is essential to being cool.
In his G-Unit Radio interview, Tru Life, who is adamantly against tight jeans on dudes, talks about how his MySpace got hacked by the Diplomats. This is the most compelling part about this whole situation to me. Which Diplomat sat in front of his computer trying different passwords? Hacking into MySpace accounts is not cool. And Tru, mix in a number or a capital letter next time so this doesn’t happen.
And as long as we’re talking about MySpace, props to all the artists making MySpace songs. No, really, props to all of you for finally hopping on the bus and for being as predictable as we all knew and expected you to be. Grafh is the only one who gets some sort of props because his “MySpace Jumpoff” blew up first. Please, do us all a favor and continue to look up girls in your area and try to convince them to have sex with you because you clicked your own song 20,000 times and added a bunch of strangers to your “friend list” before you ever even consider making another song about the “freaky” or “horny” girls who are sitting behind a keyboard.
The only acceptable MySpace songs from this day forth will focus on all those weirdos who do nothing all day but browse for girls and message them, some probably underage. While they may or may not be getting play (and diseases), they’re making all public places with computers extremely uncomfortable. I do not want to be in a library trying to print something and some 50 year-old is next to me searching for 18 year-olds of specific races and body types. Grafh and/or Freddie Foxxx, please make “MySpace Pervert” asap because these dudes need to stop.
And if girls don’t holler at you in real life, why would you honestly think they would holler at you online?
I know, I know, I need to get a printer.
These rappers are very lucky to have their labels. And they better be careful or I’ll send some good rappers over. Why would the label stay with them if they had another choice?
Thankfully Peedi Crakk released his new mixtape, Torture. Although there are many dope tracks from Peedi Peedi on the mixtape, I think it’s only fair that I warn all females who may be easily influenced to let the Crakkmeister into their homes after the powerful “Take Me Home,” which has the Def Jam artist begging for entry into females’ houses.
Ladies, if your doorbell ever goes brriinnnnnggggg, just remember one other thing that goes brriinnnnnggggg…Peedi Crakk’s Mac, and no, we’re not talking iBooks or Powerbooks or anything like that. I know you may want to let Peedi into your home because you could be lonely, you could be awe-struck by rappers who are awesome or maybe Peedi comes dressed as the cable guy or something and offers to hook you up with the premium package for the regular price. Listen, ladies, having five different versions of HGTV will not make up for what could happen to you once Peedi is in your residence.
Although you may think Peedi is like every other guy you don’t know who you let in to bang, Peedi has shown some extreme warning signs that he may not be exactly who he says he is. I know he’s sweet-talking to you ladies on “Take Me Home,” but have you heard “Torture”? Peedi lets us know that his temper is “shorter than Dupri” and he’s not talking about Owen Wilson. Then he lets us know he’s looking for coke, which could mean he’s a drug addict. As he’s looking for coke, he’s simultaneously “loading up” his gun. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right? Then he brags of his uzi-shooting ability and hints to us that he may be possessed by a “demon trapped inside.” Emily Rose thinks that’s bad news.
And sometimes girls need to be told things three or four times before they understand, so if they haven’t gotten the point by now, hopefully they will with this: “If you see me posted at your door, better shut the blinds/Go run and hide, don’t be surprised/I’m a motherfucking murderer.” OJ thinks Peedi has some issues. My calls to Def Jam recommending a psychological evaluation and anger-management classes went unreturned.
There you have it. I’m not Jack Bauer but I save lives. Who knows how many groupies I just saved? Let’s recap, just in case you ladies still don’t get it. If the doorbell goes brriinnnnnggggg, start runiiiiinnnnnngggggg. Johnnie Cochran, wherever you are, I hope you are proud of that.
Donald Trump is a frontrunner for MC of the Year in ’07. He executed his smack so flawlessly to Rosie that I would bet all the orange hair in the world that he would win every rap battle he ever entered. Immortal Technique, it’s not too late to get The Donald on The Middle Passage.
Good to see Mike Jones is back and has no plans of switching up his style. What? I said “style.” On his new single, “Mr. Mike Jones,” the Houstonian continues to complain about his lack of game with the ladies as he raps, “I used to get dissed by the chicks in the club/Now they wanna rub my belly, show your boy some love.” Is the rubbing of one’s belly a way to show affection these days? I know the Pillsbury Doughboy gets poked, but who rubs someone else’s abdominal region to express their physical desire for that person?
And it’s always good to hear when a rapper enlists the help of a singing group of 8 year-olds to warn listeners that he has a gang and a shotgun. Tony Allen of the Celtics thinks that’s unnecessary.
What’s really a shame is how many big-name artists have access to the best media outlets and the best producers and they still don’t have it in them to make powerful music. At least we have Pharoahe Monch.
Speaking of powerful music, it’s looking like Saigon is not going to come out in the first quarter this year. The Greatest Story Never Told actually wasn’t in the ’07 release schedule that Atlantic released. That’s not to say it’s not coming out in ’07, but as of now the release date is not scheduled. Not only is that a bad move for hip-hop, but the longer it takes for The Greatest Story Never Told to come out, the worse it’s going to do. Why? My theory behind that is that the hype is continuing to build and build and build around the album, and the expectations will not stop until the album finally comes out. Thus, when the album finally drops, the expectations will be so unfairly unrealistic that anything less than what is expected will be considered a flop. That’s been something that’s always plagued Nas, but that was after Illmatic. Saigon hasn’t even dropped his own Illmatic yet but he already has those expectations. Atlantic, it wouldn’t kill you to put out a good album in ’07.
DJ Drama and Don Cannon were arrested and reportedly charged racketeering and held without bond while 50,000 of their mixtapes were seized. That’s bad news for every other mixtape cat and mixtape website out there. Maybe this was an isolated incident, but I doubt it. It’s going to be interesting to see how this develops in the next couple of months.
One question I have is what constitutes an illegal mixtape versus a legal one? If you have all original beats on the mixtape, they can’t arrest you for that, can they? I’m not sure if the hip-hop police would arrest you for stealing someone else’s style, but they may for using someone else’s beats...
That’s all for now. I have to go drop a deuce like a government agent.
05/13 - 
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