I think everyone would agree with me that it’s high time for a HipHopGame boxing league. Let’s put everyone out there and see what they’re really made of. How tired are you of hearing about the many different ways a rapper’s gun busts and what color the handle is and what the bullets do when they come out of the gun? It’s not rocket science. And it’s also not creative to think of different ways to say how you’re capable of taking someone else’s life. Instead of rapping about your pistola, let’s just send everyone into the ring and see who’s got it under the fifth rib.
Professional boxing is done in weight classes, but I’m not sure if the HipHopGame Boxing League needs to be organized like that. A rapper’s boxing class will be determined by a screwy formula, similar to the BCS, in which a rapper’s rhymes are analyzed based on average amount of punchlines per 16 bars, average gun references per 16 bars, average number of repping one’s hood per 16 bars, average number of hustler references per 16 bars, average number of pimp references to 16 bars, average number of Scarface references per 16 bars as well as number of gun charges, “beefs” with rappers, amount of guns shown on street DVD’s, time spent in jail, number of “clothing lines” owned as well as how many groupies they have polluting their home city with postcards and posters bearing their likeness. A complex system, I know, but it will definitely be worth it.
If rappers score a high enough number, they will be forced to fight with their hands tied behind their back.
At the weigh-in, instead of stepping on scales, each rapper will be forced to drop a 16 on the spot incorporating certain words along with a certain theme of the day. For the first year or so, there will only be three themes: gangster, pimp and hustler. Keep it simple, ya dig? New themes will be added as today’s rappers develop new themes to base their persona around, because we all know today’s rappers are all about constant elevation. The rapper who can best incorporate everything into a semi-coherent rhyme gets to pick their fighting weight, sort of like Oprah and Kirstie Alley. The winner will also get to choose his opponent’s weight. Thus, if Stack Bundles beats JR Writer in the battle, the gravelly-voiced rapper can make the Dominican Dipsetian e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eat up to a certain weight. He can also force JR to go the Nicole Ritchie way (no, not get high and then go drive) by making him lose weight. There may not be any classic stare-downs at these weigh-ins as a result of everyone wearing Gheorghe Muresan’s sunglasses, but we’re getting something far more important. The weigh-in has to mean something, and what better way to do this than by having an actual battle?
We’ll also learn a lot about the rappers by how much heart they show in the ring. Yeah, some may claim to bust their cannons all day, but what do they do after a swift uppercut to the jaw or a Saigon Signature Punch (shout out to Knockout Kings, that is, if one of my favorite games happens to be reading my column)? Plus, what would you rather see on TV, Jae Millz talking to the sky during a battle or Jae Millz landing a three-punch combo? Plus if Jae Millz could successfully land a three-punch combo, wouldn’t you be more inclined to buy his album when it came out, especially knowing he could throw a three-punch combo on you if you didn’t buy the album? More on this…Don King will be all over this like Poison Pen on crepes.
Carmelo, Carmelo, Carmelo…wow…the only thing more disappointing than the fact that NBA players don’t know how to fight is Carmelo throwing a punch at Mardy Collins and then sprinting down the court away from him. It looked like ‘Melo was trapped in a nasty game of freeze tag where he was trying to make it back to the safety zone without getting touched. You can’t throw a punch and then sprint away, especially on an NBA rookie. Carmelo is a great player, but for his own sake, he shouldn’t throw any more punches at anybody, no matter how mad he gets, because he’s only going to embarrass himself again. Lala showed more fight on VH1 when they brought Flav’s idiots back together for a reunion show. She got heated and didn’t back down when Buckwild threw her TJ Max flip-flop at the stage.
That looked like one of those moments when Carmelo was backing up and yelling to any teammate in the vicinity to “Hold me back! Hold me back!” “Why do I need to hold you back, ‘Melo? You’re already in the locker room away from Mardy, and more importantly, Nate Robinson.” Even Jeff Van Gundy has more fight than ‘Melo. If you’re 6’8”, 230, you really shouldn’t have to sprint to the other side of the court to avoid confrontation. Eddy Curry should be thanking Carmelo right about now, because now we can forget, if only for a few minutes, about the time Brendan Heywood (Wizards) was taken out by Antonio Davis (Bulls) and Eddy Curry came up and punched a defenseless Haywood in the nutsack.
Then there’s the Chris Kaman nut grab during the playoffs last year when Reggie Evans, as Ernie Johnson would say, “Got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.” P.J. Brown, where are you when we need you?
And speaking of Nate Robinson, that dude has heart. From blocking Yao Ming to tackling Andre Miller, he’s fast becoming one of my favorite players in the League.
Two frat boys recently lost their case in court when they said they “were tricked into getting drunk and watching porn on an RV” in the documentary Borat. I really don’t know how they lost. I mean, their case was airtight. People getting tricked into getting into an RV to get drunk and porn it up with a dude in short shorts and a mustache that makes Immortal Technique’s look like one of those pube staches happens all the time.
The other day I was walking out to get the mail and John Stockton’s brother told me he was watching Slamlet and asked if I wanted a brew. Of course I said no, but I could easily see how he was trying to trick me into getting my porn on in the RV. I just don’t think everyone else is aware of this alcohol and porn epidemic as I am. Do you know how many fraternity brothers are susceptible to watching porn with other men on RV’s every year? I know the two dudes from the Borat may have lost their case, but what they started is more powerful than any settlement they could have, and should have received. These brothers got the wheels rolling on a powerful anti-drunk-anti-porn-anti-RV movement that can not, and will not be stopped by any mustached freaks in short shorts.
Hopefully Joe Dumars doesn’t drive an RV.
And for the record, porning it up with other dudes is not cool, no matter how bad your luck is with the ladies.
As long as we’re on the porn subject, it’s probably a good time to bring up one of the stars of Double Air Bags 11 and Boobsville Sorority Girls Mary Carey. Mariah Carey, who has not starred in Double Air Bags 11, is worried that fans will confuse her with the sorority girl residing in Boobsville. As long as Mariah gets to sue, I think the estate of the late Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Carey should sue too. We wouldn’t want any of the Cubs faithful out at Wrigley Stadium (Jeff Gordon!) to think their bespectacled and beloved announcer would be attempting to pass for a sorority girl in Boobsville. Aren’t Cubs greats like Andre Dawson, Shawon Dunston, Ryne Sandberg, Greg Maddux and Vance Law worried that when Ernie Banks says, “Let’s play two,” Harry Carey could have taken that to mean “Let’s play two double air bags?”
Maybe Jim Carrey can hop on board as long as this anti-porn train continues to pick up steam. What with Mary Carey out there doing all these blockbuster porns like Tit Happens, don’t you think fans are going to misconstrue the meaning of Fun with Dick and Jane? Mary Carey is taking a lot of innocent, unsuspecting superstars’ careers into the crapper and I’m not even sure if she realizes it yet.
Nore finally came back as a rapper this week. I hope people realize how momentous this really is. Nore on the mic again is like Danny Tanner back in the kitchen cooking dinner while Uncle Joey does his Rocky and Bullwinkle impression. Do not cut it out. Nore really wants to make sure we didn’t forget who he is, as he titled his latest number “My Name Is N.O.” And just in case we missed the title, he tells us his name is N.O. throughout the song. Nore, excuse me, N.O., would go on to say, “Text message sex, get the telephone pregnant.” What does this mean, you ask? Never let N.O. borrow your Sidekick. And if he does, don’t let said Sidekick out of your sight. Every time I go to New York or the English Channel, I’m going to have 50 cents ready for Nore, just in case I run into him and just in case he needs to make a call. I mean, I can’t deny the Superthug phone privileges, but I also can’t afford to let him get my phone pregnant. Do you know how expensive it is to raise a family of phones these days? You need chargers for every phone, they outgrow their batteries and sometimes baby phones have trouble sending and receiving text messages. Plus, what happens if you get a baby celly out of range and it gets no service? Is Nore going to be a father to these babies and help them grow into a working, productive adult cell phone? From the tone of his voice when he arrogantly bragged about getting phones pregnant, I think not. Nore may be an okay father around human babies and cocker spaniels, but would I trust him with my cell phone? The answer is N.O.
Spliff Star has a new video out and I thought I would share the link with you. The song is called “Mr. Uncle Do Wrong” and here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpzeVrelGFA. The dude in the front seat is a very dedicated hypeman, and Spliff Star definitely does his thing from the backseat (where’s your seatbelt?), but the real star of this video is the driver. How he was able to maintain control of a moving vehicle during a video shoot. I thought Dale Earnheardt Jr. had the MTV Music Video Award for Best Driver in a Rap Video for his show-stealing appearance in “Show Me What You Got,” but Spliff’s driver came in and cut Dale’s name off the trophy like one of Busta’s old ‘locks.
One lesson I really learned this week is not to emulate rappers at all. The other day I was having a Pepsi, and it was kind of a slow day. So I was said to myself, “What could go well with this Pepsi?” I recalled a line from “J.E.E.Z.Y.” in which the Snowman said, “Jeezy likes to mix Arm and Hammer with his Coke.” I had heard of mixing rum in cola, but never Arm and Hammer. So I put some in the Pepsi and…it tasted like shit. That was seriously the worst-tasting Pepsi I have ever had in my life. Maybe it’s an Atlanta thing or maybe it’s a Snowman thing, but it’s horrible. Frosty, if you’re reading this, do not listen to your fellow snowman when you’re at the bar having drinks in the summer.
I learned something important this week. Never go to CVS late at night. No matter how bad you need to fill a prescription, it’s just not worth it. As I’m walking down to the pharmacy, which had to be placed in the back of the store, I’m forced to walk by the magazine rack. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Except for the fact there’s an old man reading through one of those teen magazines with all Hillary Duff-type girls on the cover. That’s not too weird, right? Too bad Freddie Foxxx wasn’t with me. The only way I’m going to CVS late at night again is if Freddie Foxxx and/or Littles comes along for the ride. Anybody other than those two, my prescription can wait ‘til the morning.
Then as I’m waiting in line, which is incredibly slow for whatever reason, the dude behind me decides to check his voicemail. Fair enough, especially since we’ve been waiting for about ten minutes. What I didn’t expect was for him to check his voicemail on speaker phone. Imagine about ten people all standing around, including the CVS employees, all awkwardly listening to some angry female vent to the voicemail. It’s not the computer’s fault, lady. Then he gets a call from one of his boys asking him to call back at his earliest convenience. Then it’s some voice that says, “I need you to…” and he cuts it off the speaker phone and puts it on regular mode. At that point I kind of turned around as did a few others. I wanted to ask what the guy needed him to do, but then I remembered I was at CVS to fill a prescription. And a note to everyone with a cell phone, please don’t check your voicemail in public. It’s really not a good look. It’s sort of like driving around with your Jibbs vs. Bow Wow mixtape blasting out of your boombox seatbelted in on the passenger side of your best friend’s ride.
If you read last week’s column, which you hopefully did, then you’ll know how I felt about Domingo’s album being leaked prematurely. I still feel the same way I did last week and whatever hack leaked it needs to get his keyboarding privileges revoked. One thing I would like to clarify though is that I had the date wrong. Instead of it being a March release, The Most Underrated is coming out early February. That being said, it makes sense why the label had the press copies shipped when they did. I apologize for getting the date wrong, but in no way do I apologize to whoever leaked the album online and I really, really hope Domingo finds out who did it. And a quick public service announcement on the album: it’s a great album.
“Rap became a ghost-town…they’re the reason that rap became addictive” (Nas, “Where Are They Now?”) At last someone with influence said it. Nas may not have the influence of Jay, but at least he said what needed to be said on the issue of former MC’s and pioneers who have been forgotten over the years by mainstream media and younger fans. What separates this song from everything else is that Nas is shouting out MC’s that never get shouted out. How many times do you hear Lakim Shabazz shouted out? The only MC’s who really get shout outs on a consistent are Rakim, Kool G. Rap and KRS-One. Not to take anything away from them, but there are many more hip-hop figures who deserve to be remembered with them. When’s the last time you heard Positive K or Mic Geronimo shouted out? Granted, they didn’t make the impact Rakim, G. Rap and KRS made, but no one can say they’re not important to hip-hop history and their contributions don’t matter.
Here’s a line from Nas’ title track “Hip-Hop Is Dead”: “On my second marriage, hip-hop’s my first wifey…” On the surface, it just seems like the normal “hip-hop is my passion” line. But, upon deeper examination, Nas is actually telling us something very important about himself. Kelis, you may not want to keep reading.
Here’s what I gathered. Nas married hip-hop. The date of this wedding is unknown at this point. I’m checking with magistrates all over the country, but so far I have had no luck in finding out exactly where and when Nas married hip-hop. From what I’ve gathered listening to his music, I don’t think it was in a cheap Vegas hotel.
But what is important is that Nas married hip-hop and now hip-hop died. Lucky for Nas, he also has another wife in Kelis. What disturbs me though is that Nas didn’t report hip-hop’s death until a Roots show in late May, 2006. Nas married Kelis on January 10, 2005. That means that for about a year and a half, Nas was a practicing polygamist. Depending on what state Nas married hip-hop in, I’m wondering if his marriage to Kelis could be voided.
Then there’s a whole ‘nother issue. Did Nas kill hip-hop so Kelis wouldn’t find out? Was Kelis close to finding out about hip-hop and Nas didn’t want her to? Or, did Kelis find out about hip-hop and kill her and Nas is helping her cover it up? Maybe in Nas’ mind, he’s making up for his guilt in helping to kill hip-hop by naming an album about her current vital signs. If that’s the case, you’d think he could have picked a more sensitive title like Hip-Hop Has Passed or Hip-Hop Is No Longer With Us or Hip-Hop’s Taking a Long Nap or Hip-Hop Is in a Better Place or Hip-Hop Took a Long Vacation and She Won’t be Coming Back Anytime Soon. Nas may as well have named his album I Slaughtered Hip-Hop Like the Helpless Cow that She Was.
Here’s another question that must be asked by me, and will probably be asked later by the feds when they investigate rap’s most poetical polygamist: How long did you know hip-hop was dead before you reported it? More astute detectives may ask if Nas thought he could get off the hook by teaming up with a lost Dr. Seuss character in will.i.am and making a “tribute record” to her. All I know is that Nas has a lot of explaining to do and we’re all waiting for answers.
Overall, Nas’ Hip-Hop Is Dead is a great album. From start to finish, it’s probably the best album to come out this year, not that that’s really saying a whole lot. There were some decent albums to drop, but overall, it was a really, really slow year. But whatever, it’s better to look at the positive here and recognize Nas’ album for how great it is.
One thing I don’t understand about this crazy hip-hop industry is why every label felt they needed to release albums in the last two weeks of December. Yeah, it’s the end of the quarter and they’re trying to do their numbers and everybody’s out buying things to show their loved ones just how much they love them, but seriously, how many people are going to buy all these albums this holiday season? Nas, Ghost, Jeezy and DJ Clue are all dropping on Def Jam in a two-week span. If you thought it was a bad move for Def Jam releasing The Roots and Method Man on the same day, then I really want to know what you think about this move. For a real hip-hop head to cop all four releases, which are all different enough from each other to keep you interested, it’s going to cost between $40 and $60. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem buying all four albums, it’s just that I don’t want to spend that kind of jack all at once. Why not push Nas back to January and give him some better promotion? How many people even know DJ Clue has an album dropping? I didn’t have a clue (sorry) until I got an email blast about it a couple weeks ago. And if Def Jam can just kind of throw all these albums out there, why not throw in a Memphis Bleek album too, just for the fun of it? What about Redman? I’m sure he would like to drop an album. I’m not too sure, but I think Joe Budden may be overdue for an album as well. I think Joe Budden’s sophomore album could have dropped with the same promotion as Ghost’s More Fish and could have probably done better numbers, because all More Fish is is a Theodore Unit album in disguise.
And you know something’s wrong with the media when they’re more concerned with Jay-Z and Beyonce getting married than Young Jeezy mixing Arm and Hammer with his Coke and going to jail to think about what he’s done wrong…
There have been rumors this past week about Jadakiss signing to Cash Money Records. I think if rap’s Fireman wants Jada, he’s going to let him put out his own fires the way he knows best. Translated, I don’t think Jada’s going to go South if he makes the move. It would probably be a better move than anything else going for Jada at the moment. Jada can, and should be, putting out an album a year. What he needs to find is a label that will allow him to do that and promote him at the same time.
Last week I asked what happened to Shells and I got no response. Now I’m wondering where Cory Gunz went as well. I don’t know where all these rappers are going, but I guess it’s a testament to how hard it is to keep a buzz as well as to how fast the game is moving and changing.
It’s about time Joell Ortiz got a release date for The Brick. That should be a pretty solid effort by Joell. If you noticed, he wasn’t on the list for rappers that need to drop in ’07. Why? For starters, I figured The Brick would drop one way or another. He’s also on Aftermath, which means we could have a really, really long wait before he gets to drop an album.
On behalf of hip-hop journalism everywhere I would like to apologize for what is about to happen in the next couple of weeks. While you are celebrating the holidays and taking some time off from work (hopefully), hip-hop sites worldwide are going to be doing their “momentous” recaps of the events in hip-hop that made up 2006. In those recaps, you will see jokes about Kevin Federline, quips about how G-Unit is falling off and how Ghost released one of the year’s best albums in Fishscale. There will also undoubtedly be some “slick” or “funny” comments about Flavor of Love. You don’t have to worry about any of that taking place at HipHopGame, but I am warning you, like Michael Scofield, these lists will be out in public soon and there’s nothing you can do about it.