Where the last column focused on what a bad week we had, what with the TO circus
act and The Game basically being The Game, this week seems to be a little slower.
Let's hope Cassidy is ok also. That's horrible what happened to him and I think
I can speak for all of us when I say we hope he gets better soon.
Apparently some
foul happenings went down at VH1's Hip-Hop Honors. I'm working on having more
about all of that soon. How are some people still fooled that VH1 cares about
hip-hop?
This week marks
my first week into the investigation into why Ruff Ryder (producer) Elite was
mysteriously removed from Puff Daddy's Top 24. Also, I don't know how you get
24 people on your MySpace best friend list, nor do I care because I don't even
know 24 people to put in (I have to ghostwrite for more people first). Anyways,
from my experience watching cop shows and reading Michael Connelly books, I
know the first step we have to take here is to think of some possible reasons
why Elite was first included in Puff Daddy's Top 24 and why he was removed.
Theories as to
why he was on there:
· He's getting signed to Bad Boy - What better way to promote one of
your own than by putting him/her on your Top 24? The fact that Elite was there
could mean an impending deal with Bad Boy. Hey, Elite, get your shiny suit ready.
· Tonedeff manages Puffy's Top 24 - In a deal that trumps any moves made
by Billy Beane of the Oakland Athletics, Tonedeff trades Elite major exposure
on the greatest MySpace page ever created for a beat for his next album. Tonedeff
also threw in a baby blue scrunchie cap or to be named later.
· Tonedeff hacks Diddy's Top 24 - If you've ever heard Tonedeff rap,
you know he's not dumb. Can't you see him breaking into the MySpace headquarters
and spitting one of his superfast rhymes at Tom, leaving him in a daze, while
Tonedeff is clear to nab the password and escape before Tom realizes that the
superfast rhyme Tonedeff just said is completely nonsensical.
· Tonedeff is Puffy - After Castor Troy I'll believe anything.
· Elite is Tom - Scrawny and white. Hey, all white people don't look
alike.
Theories as to
why he was removed:
· Elite wouldn't hold Puffy's umbrella when it was windy - There's a
story floating around the internet that Fonzworth was out getting a manicure
and being famous for doing nothing credible, meaning Puffy needed a new umbrella
holder. Elite was chilling in the Bad Boy offices breakdancing to "I'll
Be Missing You" as he waited for an A&R meeting when Puffy had to run
to the store for some more of his cologne (Bad Boy has a strict policy of not
giving out the cologne to anyone, Puffy included). He asked Elite to accompany
him to hold his trusty umbrella, as he needed to be shielded from the frightful
wind. Elite was too dizzy from a windmill to fully comprehend what Mr. Combs
was saying, causing him to shake his head. His accidental refusal led to him
being quickly whisked out of the Bad Boy offices and banished for life, both
in person and in the cyberworld. When I asked Elite if he was to be asked again
to hold Puffy's umbrella, he responded, "In a heartbeat" with four
exclamation points.
· Elite gave Tonedeff a wack beat - Elite, realizing that trading MySpace
love for a beat was not as profitable as selling one for actual money, gives
Tonedeff one of his throwaways in turn for a slot on Diddy's page (remember
the theories as to how Tonedeff gained control of the greatest webpage in the
history of the internet). Tonedeff, while listening to the wack beat in his
baby blue hummer, races back to his crub. In a homicidal rage, the QN5 boss
readjusts Puffy's Top 24, giving Pack FM the slot instead. Pack FM would later
lose it to Session in a raging alcohol-fueled potato sack race.
· Elite changed his profile - Elite initially signed up as "Black
Rob" and put a picture of said rapper in his profile. Puffy, thinking it
was dope that Black Rob added him as a friend, quickly confirmed his friendship
with the troubled (and jailed) rapper and as the most authentic gesture of true
friendship since the BFF label, puts him in his Top 24 (sorry, Aasim). Elite,
realizing his trickery worked, quickly changed the picture to himself and his
name from "Black Rob" to "Elite." Puffy, realizing that
he was the most elite of everyone, quickly wipes Elite off his Top 24 in a homicidal
rage.
· Elite runs up to Bad Boy in a homicidal rage - I think we're onto something
with this whole "homicidal rage" thing, so let's stick to it. Elite,
in a homicidal rage, runs up to the Bad Boy offices wearing a paper bag (Dick's
and Champ's were out of ski masks) and wielding a musket (Patton style) screaming
that he presses play whenever he has a Puffy cassette nearby. The receptionist,
startled, though not surprised that a paper-bag wearing, musket holding man
in a homicidal rage is standing in the lobby, answers Elite by telling him that
she too presses play whenever she has a Diddy (she's forbidden to say "Puffy")
(the penalty for saying "Puffy" is a flogging and solitary confinement
in the hole with Mase's music blasting into the cold, dark room continuously),
but she doesn't use cassettes anymore. She explains that she's more of a CD
person. Elite, angered that other people press play as well, and angered even
more by the fact that other people may press play better than he does, demands
an advance copy of Puffy's new album. The receptionist, not having direct access
to the album, explains that she has no access but all he has to do is go to
any major magazine and they'll sell him the press copy. Elite, in a super homicidal
rage by now, demands an application for Puffy's street team and some promotional
flyers to hang in his area of residence. As the annoyed receptionist goes to
the vault to get the flyers, Elite gets greedy. He also asks for a bottle of
Puffy's cologne. The receptionist explains that not even homicidal potential
terrorists get free cologne. Elite sees this as the perfect time to test the
musket he stole from the Civil War Museum. To his surprise, it works. The stray
bullet grazes an intern's shoulder, promptly promoting him from intern to rapper.
While the receptionist is in the vault (it takes time to open due to a heavy
combination lock), Elite notices she manages the Diddy MySpace page. Elite seizes
the opportunity to "adjust" Puffy's friends and does so before the
receptionist gets back. Elite, realizing that he doesn't approve of the receptionist
taking so long with his flyers, yells to her to bring stickers as well (the
shiny ones!). This causes the receptionist to open another vault, taking more
time. Elite decides this is the perfect time to lick another shot. He's not
exactly sure where the shot should be licked, so he starts pointing the musket
at the group of scared rappers asking for a deal (they're always easy to spot
because they're the only ones who rock Biggie t-shirts). The rappers wet themselves
as Elite takes out a lightbulb instead. He gets his posters, flyers, stickers
and street team application and leaves the office, tipping his Davy Crockett
raccoon hat to the receptionist on the way out (I probably should have mentioned
that he was wearing a raccoon hat this whole time. Please go back and reread
this paragraph, this time picturing Elite in a raccoon hat).
I know I'm on the
right trail and I expect to expose all the people responsible for the travesty
of Elite being removed from Puffy's Top 24. Who cares if Elite doesn't really
know Puffy? Philosophically speaking, does anyone know anyone? Is the sky even
blue?
And as long as
we're talking about QN5, everyone should ask Poison Pen about his Tonedeff story.
And while you're at it, also ask him how to get on Immortal Technique's Top
24. He loves answering questions about Immortal Technique.
As soon as we get
to the bottom of the Elite/Puffy mystery, I'm going to find out how DJ Lethal
made it to Tila Tequila's Top 8. Props to Lethal.
Hopefully you all
read the Del interview. That's one of my favorite interviews to date. That was
definitely the most fun I've ever had doing an interview, plus look at all the
topics Del talked about: farting in front of your pastor, inserting quarters
in a computer game and the removal of fingers and toes. What's not to love about
that interview?
I guess the other
big news this week is the impending firing of catatonic Yankees manager Joe
Torre. I never thought I would say it, but I honestly think it's time for Joe
to go. There's really nothing to gain by managing the Yankees. Having the highest
payroll is both a gift and a curse at the same time. He basically has nine All-Stars
in the batting order and five All-Stars in the rotation and one All-Star closer,
which makes winning games a lot easier. However, no matter how many games you
win, if you're not No. 1 at the end of the year, your season is considered a
failure. And losing to Detroit is never a good look. It's kind of like Babygrande
beating Def Jam in sales and the charity softball game. That game would probably
be called anyway due to Vinnie Paz snuffing every Def Jam artist and probably
even some of his own teammates.
Oh yeah and Jay-Z
released his first song from his upcoming album. Of course it's blowing up.
Jay could have went Jibbz on the song and it would have blown up because most
people are blindly willing to accept whatever Jay does. Jay retires, fans cry.
Jay comes back, fans cry. Jay does a guest spot, fans cry. Basically he has
a legion of fans that hang on whatever he does. It's a good thing we're not
all Lemmings and Jay's the dude responsible for building the bridges. Anyway,
I think a lot of that is going to change on this new album. Expectations are
so high right now they're past being unrealistic. Basically if fans' boomboxes
don't explode at the end of a new Jay song, the song was wack. I would say Jay's
in a tough position, but I would wear one of those stop snitching tee's before
saying that. A) Jay brought all of this (wanted) attention on himself and B)
Regardless of the album being good or bad, it's going to do crazy numbers.
And with all the
attention on Jay, should Nas think about renaming his album to Hip-Hop (And
Marketing and Promotions) Are All Dead And I Would Ask Somebody to Help with
the Funeral but They're All Showing Jay What They've Got?
It's great that
Detroit has finally won something since Larry Brown's departure, but did the
Tigers ever think to take a cue from Lions great Barry Sanders? Remember how
many amazing touchdowns Barry had? And do you remember how many touchdown dances
Barry had? None. Every time he scored, he did the exact same thing. Flip the
ball to the official and hit the sideline? Why? Because he had been there before
and he acted like it. It wasn't a surprise to him that he ended up in the end
zone and if it was, he sure didn't show it. The Tigers, on the other hand, seemed
to forget they still have eight more games to win before they get that trophy.
What a ridiculous celebration for winning the first round of the playoffs. You
can tell they didn't expect to win that series. And it's cool that Jim Leyland
is finally getting his props for being a great manager, but he's been nice for
a long time. He will forever be one of my favorite managers for the simple fact
that he sonned the shit out of Barry on camera. As long as we're talking about
Detroit, I think Detroitans better hope the Tigers go all the way because the
Lions are looking like they can go all the way in the loss column and it will
probably be a long year for the Pistons sans Ben Wallace. Maybe the Lions can
either suit up Matt Millen or play Division II teams for the remainder of the
season. It's a good thing Jon Kitna's not quarterbacking the Tubgirls this year.
Tubgirls appear
to have lost again. It's not final since Jamal Lewis still may do something,
but it's looking about as unlikely as the police finding the stolen musket.
05/13 - 
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