My big question surrounding the past two weeks of Flavor of Love is how did
Somethin make it past the elimination round after pooping on the floor? I can
understand that some people are just into some weird things, well I really can't
understand it but anyway, how do you even feel safe sleeping at night when
you got a chick running around the house eating food that you know could end
up between the cushions on the couch at any given moment? I think the remote
fell through the awww, that's not the remote. Somethin, was that you? "No,
baby, it was the dog." "The dog doesn't poop basketballs." You
would always have to wear three pairs of socks and those rubber yellow galoshes
if you lived with Somethin. I bet she has to get her friends to register for
hotels whenever she goes on the road because the hotels all know what's up now.
Either that or they just cover the whole room in plastic and newspaper.
What was even crazier
was how Flav "admired" Somethin for taking all the poop jokes and
all that, saying she was "very strong." I don't think it's really
strength that's the defining characteristic here. I think she's just missing
the embarrassment gene. If pooping on your potential suitor's floor doesn't
bother you then why would being called "Boo Boo Sparx" be any worse?
My guess is that if a woman isn't embarrassed at defecating on a floor, then
nothing else will probably get to her. Flav was probably right in not getting
past the whole lack of poop control Somethin exhibited.
And how about the
clean-up the girls had to do at Warren G's place? What kind of parties does
Warren G have?
come to my house tonight!"
"Why, Warren? Do we still have to listen to 'Regulators'?"
"I think I have plans."
"What if I told you it's a special party tonight?"
"Yeah. Tonight's the 'Open up everything in my cabinet and smear it wherever
you see fit' party."
"Yeah, I got mad cans of baked beans. We can dump them by the toilet and
they'll look like someone pooed."
"Should I bring my own can opener?"
"Of course not, I'm the Regulator."
"Will Nate Dogg be there?"
"Nah, he said he had to be somewhere. He's always making up excuses as
to why he can't come to my 'Open up everything in my cabinet and smear it wherever
you see fit' parties."
I'm also guessing
that after watching the latest episode, Red Lobster has placed a lifetime ban
Now that Chamillionaire
has finally blown up, can he finally open up a car wash?
My boy JP and I
were recently talking about the most gangster MC's. There's a dope new crop
like Maino, Sam Scarfo, Uncle Murder and a few others. Throughout the course
of the conversation JP came up with an idea that's genius. I think it's my duty
to share it with everyone. There aren't a lot of record deals out there for
up-and-coming rappers today. The reality shows about rappers have never worked
out. Just look at Da Band and Jamie Kennedy's Blowin' Up (at least Da Band could
sort of rap once in awhile). The reason the albums off those shows failed was
because the format was all messed up (and the music wasn't there). Who wants
to watch Jamie Kennedy rolling around in an SUV with Stu talking about "making
moves"? Who wants to watch Sara complain about cigarette smoke? It's just
not cool. What we need is a new TV show that not only has dope footage but also
attracts the realest rappers out there. I present to you Hip-Hop Fear Factor.
Instead of making
rappers eat a bowl of worms or pull flags off a moving object rotating in the
air, we're going to make the challenges more "hip-hop friendly." Here's
rough outline for one show. To start with, rappers all don the Hammer Pants
and must walk through all five boroughs of New York holding a boom box blasting
nothing but Eminem's racist tape. The first challenge is always the easiest.
For the second challenge, rappers will stand against the wall while their hype
man throws hunting knives at them. This will not only show how real the rapper
is by how he doesn't flinch before the knife is thrown and how he doesn't flinch
after a knife or two is lodged deep in an artery, but we also see just how loyal
the hype man is and if he's really worth having on your team. The benefits are
two-fold here. For the third challenge, the remaining rappers will have to sacrifice
one vital organ. If they are already missing a kidney or something, they better
just hope the wheel they spin with pictures of all the organs doesn't fall on
the kidney one. Whatever organ is selected, rappers will have to shoot it out
of their body using nothing but a gun. Whoever kills their chosen vital organ
with the most amount of gun fire will be eliminated. Hey, you've got to really
want this record deal and no label wants a rapper who's prone to wasting bullets.
Being a rapper in 2006 entails way more than pressing up a mixtape and passing
out flyers and asking a DJ to play your record. I'm still undecided on the final
challenge. See my boy JP has a real job so he can't sit around all day and actually
flesh out his idea. I was thinking Russian Roulette for the final challenge,
but it may be too gory for network TV I'm sure FX will take it
If anyone sees
Jibbs, can you please ask him to give me the five points he stole from my IQ
back? I just saw "Chain Hang Low" on BET and damn, by the time the
song was over I was almost drooling on myself. I wanted to look away, but it's
like tubgirl. There's just something horrifically entertaining that keeps pulling
you back in like a magnet. Now if I hear it come on I immediately switch the
station and put the industry-strength ear plugs in (you know how strong those
have to be) (and no, I didn't mean industrial-strength).
Where's the new
Source magazine? I hope they weren't stopping at 200.
Now that it's 2006
is it possible that we can call a moratorium on rappers naming themselves after
guns? It's getting a little ridiculous now with all these dudes named after
guns. If they really wanted to be gangster they should just call themselves
Wal-Mart. I think 40 Cal and 40 Glocc are the last two rappers who should be
allowed to keep their gun monikers. And you can't take anything away from Smif-N-Wesson
or Tech N9ne or other good gun-named rappers/groups I might have missed, but
it's been done before and it'd be cool if you rappers out there could find something
a little more creative.
Has anyone else
seen the commercial where Jay-Z is proclaimed as the CEO of hip-hop? Does anyone
else have a problem with that? Since when was hip-hop supposed to be structured
like a major corporation? Of course selling rap music and images of rap makes
a few people a lot of money but when did it become necessary to have a CEO of
hip-hop? If Jay's the CEO, what does that make 50 Cent? What does that make
Kurtis Blow? What's Rakim's place in the company? Is he at least on the Board?
Does Kool Herc get a say? Or at least an office with a view?
And for everyone
who wants to know, I really don't know why Joell hasn't updated his journal,
but I have heard a new one is coming.
I'm about to embark
on a long and difficult journey. I have taken it upon myself to ghostwrite Rick
Ross's next album, Miami Airport. I figure the feds must be on to his highly-publicized
and highly-illegal use of the Port of Miami so he's going to have to change
locations. Anyway, I am going to attempt to write a song a week for Mr. Ross
and post the lyrics on here. The service is free only if your name is Rick Ross
or if you have a beard or if you just like rap music or even if you don't like
rap music. I should also point out that the lyrics are all royalty-free, so
Ricky doesn't have to send me a check once Miami Airport goes platinum.