Ever since I copped the last copy of Crime Pays at Target I've been banging Cam's latest opus religiously. Either it's his systematic ignorance that's completely undoing everything my mother taught me over the last 25 years or the simple fact that he really will poop in a girl's car (It's a Saab, oh God) that makes it the only disc getting play in the last week. I know, I know, that crazy guy Eminem just dropped another album and a Freeway album dropped (supposedly) and there's all sorts of fresh talent I should be listening to, but honestly, I haven't been able to pull myself away from Crime Pays the same way N.O.R.E. can't pull himself away from Twitter (N.O., I'm with you on that whole spell-check being stupid thing).
From talking about Yoo-Hoo coming out of girls' butts to the kkk, Cam serves up a healthy, heaping serving of straight up ignorance on Crime Pays. Now it's up to us to find the crown jewel of ignorance while sifting through all his semi-intelligible lines. Wish me luck.
The lay-up line
"Psychologist, gynecologist, here's a pap smear."
- "Never Ever"
First off, I've never gone to a gynecologist and I never plan on going. However, I was not aware that some people could have dual licenses to practice psychology and gynecology, and even better at the same time. What kind of a 2 for 1 special is Doc Cam running here? Plus I'm not even sure how you could tell someone, "Hey, here's a pap smear. Enjoy!" I always thought a pap smear was a process, not something you could carry in that extra pocket on your cargo shorts and pass out to attractive females like it's your latest mixtape. "Hey, here's my new mixtape and a pap smear. Check me out on MySpace if you need a shrink."
Here's another thing I never understood - why do rappers rap about being an gynecologist? Next time try this experiment: Go somewhere where it's extremely crowded and picture all of those women together. Now picture them naked. How many of those naked women are you shielding your eyes from and how many of them would you steal a second glance? I'm guessing if there was a room of 100 women, there would be maybe 3 or 4 that you would find attractive. Now imagine that it's your job to thoroughly examine each and every one of those women more thorough than we listen to Cam's lyrics. Not so appealing anymore, is it? Throw in some 60 year-olds, yeast infections and syphillis and you'll probably never make a run at another human female again.
"Role a blunt up, ma, I'm a get the lighter/ I'll have you squirting for certain, yeah, bring a diaper/ Milk, lemonade, I'm a fucking renegade."
- "Cookies and Apple Juice"
There goes silly Cameron again with his whole "uncontrollable bladder chicks." I never took Cam for a dude who was into those chicks who can't go fishing or to a baseball game because they'll piss themselves, but apparently he's into that. As a loyal Tubgirl supporter, I'm not one to judge. I just have this horrible image of a thick chick with sandals running out of her Saab to Cam's kidney-shaped pool with a bottle of champagne under one arm and a huge Baby Huey-sized diaper under the other while Cam flashes her a sheepish grin, all the while thinking of how he'll tell 'Elz, "I hit" (unlike those free throws).
Another thing I'm unclear on is how are you a renegade for liking this shit? In the verse Cam goes on to shout out guns and grenades and after listening to Crime Pays, I really do think he's got an artillery stash that would make T.I. blush. But what do you need the grenades for? Are you being forced to defend your fetish for girls with pissy mattresses to an extreme level? This is America, homie. You can't get in trouble for liking bed-wetters. Still, that doesn't make it right.
"We made the sweetest merger, I keep a curver/ The sex, agreed it's murder, plus she a squirter/ Yeah, baby girl drenched the bed/ Sprinkler system right on my expensive spread."
- "Bottom of the P****hole"
There's nothing more satisfying to a female than losing control of her urine after a night of sexual ectasy and heavy water drinking. And who wouldn't want to be with a girl that's keeping adult Depends afloat? The only thing I love more than a girl who pisses the bed is a rapper who loves rapping about a girl who pisses the bed. It's lines like this where I feel like Cam really gets me. My other question is what kind of sprinkler system is hiding in this chick's treasure box? Is it timer-activated and how does it circulate? Did she drench the curtains and carpet as well or did she keep the urine on the bed? And where do you go after the bedsheets turn yellow? Do you go for a round two or do you take her out back, hose her off and lock her out? In order to keep this topic going, make sure you leave your best episode of a girl pissing your bed in the comment box. Give the people what they need.
"Keep it up, ma, I'll call ya mother/ She said she already did, why don't you call my brother/ And tell him what? 'You hit the bottom of my p****hole/ And you's a bitch n**** faggot ass p**** ho'/ I said, 'Ya brother don't wanna know how his sister is/ And with that same mouth you go home and kiss ya kids.'/
- "Bottom of the P****hole"
Take it from experience - brothers love hearing you tell them about their sister's sexual conquests, especially one as major as this. I dare you to find me one brother who "don't wanna know how his sister is." Even better than that, I love how the sister wants the brother to know. "Yo, Cam, go call my big bro. He'll be so impressed. He's always telling me to have goals and shit. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. Ouch, pass me that diaper. I can't walk right now." While it's pretty ignorant of Cam to mess with a family who's obvoiusly into inbreeding, it's equally, if not more ignorant, to insult the chick with five consecutive insults. The most creative ether? Not really. Will it get some looks in Pizza Hut (or Cam's supposed favorite - Mickey D's) if he screams that on a Friday night? Oh yeah, it'll definitely get some looks, and maybe even a high five from big bro.
"I need it f-f-f-f-f-free, I mean a tramp, ma/
And my dick you could lick like a stamp, ma/
And your back you could arch like a ramp, ma/
Get a helmet you're about to get rammed hard."
This is beautiful poetry right here. I don't speak to women about their most private fantasies, but if I did, I'm almost 100% certain they would all say they want to wear protective gear not made from rubber when engaging in sexual activity. You know you're hardcore when you don't show up for a session with dinner or toys but a helmet. Also, what kind? Bike helmets protect the top of the head, but there's no facial protection. I'm guessing Cam wouldn't want that. I'm also assuming hockey and football helmets are out of the question. Only the top-notch women are built for this. Check Cam's requirements - no money, heavy licking, flexibility and willingness to engage in activities that may induce cranial damage. Only top shottas need apply here.
"We do the interstate, baby, we're the state patrol/
With 50 pounds and I ain't talking 'bout an 8 year-old/
It could take a toll, hope that you make parole/
Play your role, the heat so hot it could make you cold
And they say I'm a son of a bitch. Why?/
Because I be with your son and your bitch/
You don't deserve her, your fam we won't hurt her/
We taught her to be a swerver, your son about murder/
Your brother, well, he my worker/
Your sister, well, she my slurper/ Your mom, her ass is fat, my n****s they call her Bertha/
Once a week they might disturb her, with dick they gonna serve her/
Now she whining like a baby, yo, maybe we'll get her Gerber/
Smack her on the ass, warm milk, then we burped her/
Yeah we love to nurture but we'll earth her 'fore we chirp her/
You'll be a punching bag, fam, we'll put our beats on him/
Or the ku klux, yeah white sheet on him/
Or a Miami jersey, put the heat on him/
Or a doormat, I'm gonna put my feet on him/
Creep on him, leap on him, yeah, park the Jeep on him/
America's most wanted, with no warrants."
There is so much ignorance packed into this one verse that I thought was gonna be about a delicious meal that it makes it damn-near impossible to break down without blowing up the laptop. I guess the best way to do this is to take it line by line.
"We do the interstate, baby, we're the state patrol/
With 50 pounds and I ain't talking 'bout an 8 year-old."
How does Cam know how much an 8 year-old weighs? Has he been dabbling in the dangerous but financially-fulfilling child extortion biz? Does Cam weigh kids on the street? Is he a carnie who guesses people's weights at circuses? How does Cam know what an 8 year-old should weigh? Another disturbing part of this line - why is Cam rapping to child extortionists? How many people first thought, before the clarification, that Cam was really rolling with 8 year-olds in the trunk across the interstate? How many people first said, "Damn, he be gettin' them kids" before he said, "And I ain't talking 'bout an 8 year-old." How many of you breathed a refreshing sigh of relief when you found out he wasn't hustling kids but some other kind of mysterious product that weighs roughly 50 pounds? I'm gonna stick to what my gut is telling me and what my gut is screaming at me is that Cam watched Ransom one too many times. I guess it's up to 40 Cal now to keep him away from the playgrounds and ice cream trucks.
"And they say I'm a son of a bitch. Why?/
Because I be with your son and your bitch/
You don't deserve her, your fam we won't hurt her/
We taught her to be a swerver, your son about murder/
Your brother, well, he my worker."
This is classic Cam at his finest right here. Pure ignorance. Picture Cam rapping to you. He's chilling with your girl and your son and there's nothing you can do about it. Your baby's mother is now a "swerver," which means she's probably doing some stuff with her mouth that means she should brush before she goes home and kisses the kids. Your son is also developing into a nice killer. You didn't know he was "about murder," did you? And not in the Agatha Christie/Hardy Boys way, but in the Charles Manson/O.J. Simpson kind of way. And on top of that, your brother is now employed by this dude who's already taken your girl and son. I'm not sure what he's doing, but based on the gynecology references and moving 8 year-olds on the interstate, I'm guessing your brother is doing something involving the delivery of kids. Your next family reunion will suck. Guaranteed.
Oh, it gets better.
"Your sister, well, she my slurper/ Your mom, her ass is fat, my n****s they call her Bertha."
Not only did you lose your girl, baby and son. Now your sister is slurping shit. Cam didn't really specify what it is your sister is slurping, but I think it's safe to say it's not Slurpees. And on top of that, your mom is now chilling with the boys, even getting the nickname Bertha. And she probably doesn't even sing in the opera. Your life is continuing to suck.
"Once a week they might disturb her, with dick they gonna serve her/
Now she whining like a baby, yo, maybe we'll get her Gerber/
Smack her on the ass, warm milk, then we burped her/
Yeah we love to nurture but we'll earth her 'fore we chirp her."
You thought it was going to get better? It's gonna get a lot worse before it even starts getting better. Sorry. So now Cam and his boys are not only making fun of your mom, they're also banging her to the point where she's reduced to using her baby words. And what's worse than them doing it? Them telling you they're doing it. It's every dude's nightmare to walk in on their mother having her fun and this just perpetuates that nightmare even further.
Based on Cam's description, this mom is of the chunky variety. How in the hell are they going to make love to her and then get her over their shoulders and burp her? Is she going to don one of those creepy bonnets and shake a rattler for their sexual enjoyment? To make things even worse, they would rather kill your mother than chirp her on the celly. I may be a little out of touch with technology, but I didn't even realize people still used that whole chirping feature anymore. Wouldn't you love to have your mother dealing with someone who would rather kill them than call them?
Now your life is pretty much over. Cam's got your whole fam working for him while he works the interstate. But it's not over for you. Not just yet.
"You'll be a punching bag, fam, we'll put our beats on him/
Or the ku klux, yeah white sheet on him/
Or a Miami jersey, put the heat on him/
Or a doormat, I'm gonna put my feet on him/
Creep on him, leap on him, yeah, park the Jeep on him/
America's most wanted, with no warrants."
Time for a beatdown. It's not enough Cam left you with nothing. Now it's time to get your ass kicked, Giles-style. Cam threatens to go triple k on you, which is not only the most ignorant line uttered on probably any of his albums, but it's offensive enough to make even the most closet racist feel a little uncomfortable rapping along. If an African-American rapper hates you enough to go "ku klux" and "white sheet" you, then he really hates the piss out of you. Cam leaves the lovely imagery of the kkk to bring up a less horrific picture of the Miami Heat. Pretty typical Cam line there, more entertaining than ignorant. Cam then goes Rick James on you as he's gonna treat your face like a doormat ("fuck your face") before the grand finale. Cue the fireworks.
"Creep on him, leap on him, yeah, park the Jeep on him."
Best line of the verse, hands down. Is there any better way to deal with someone you don't like than by creeping on them, leaping on them, and then parking his Jeep on him? You have never really been beaten down until you've had a Jeep parked on you. I think it's even more impressive that Cam is able to park a Jeep on somebody without them moving. Does he knock 'em unconscious after the "leap" or do 40 Cal and Skitzo hold him down while Mr. Oh Golly I'm Gully himself parks the Wrangler or Cherokee (why didn't he specify???) on him.
I'm not sure exactly what you did to make Cam's blood boil but you really brought the ignorant beast out of him. Your cuts, bruises, flattened face may never heal and your family may never want ot talk to your herb-ass again, but you brought out the side of Cam that made the $13.99 (plus tax) I paid for Crime Pays worth it. And for that, I thank you.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 7/24/2009
The first two bars a rapper spits on the first track of their debut album are probably the most important bars they'll ever spit. That's the split second when fans who just popped the CD on or clicked on the mp3 will decide if how they're going to feel about said MC for the rest of their life. If you question the importance of this first impression, look no further than Chevy Chase in Animal Farm. He's sitting at his typewriter, trying to write a novel, only he can't get it started because he can't think of a good way to open it. What happens to him? I don't want to spoil it but let's just say he doesn't turn out to be the successful novelist he thinks he should be.
But let's not use Chevy Chase as an example because there's nothing worse than comedians who stop being funny. Vegas Vacation? Thank you very much.
Instead, let's look to New York rappers and their first lines on their first official albums and see how they ended up.
"Rappers I monkey flip 'em with the funky rhythm I be kickin
Musician, inflictin composition."
-Nas, "NY State of Mind"
Yeah, that'll work. Probably one of the most effective ways to verbally smash somebody. Monkey flipping as a result of kicking a funky rhythm? And you only needed one bar to say that? Hell yes.
"Remember back in the days, when n***** had waves/
Gazelle shades, and corn braids."
-Notorious B.I.G., "Things Done Changed"
Looking back, I doubt B.I.G. realized how prophetic those words were. He was reminding people of where exactly things were because he was about to take them somewhere new, which is what he did on Ready to Die. Biggie was at the forefront of a new generation of rappers bringing in a new sound to the game (The LOX, Ruff Ryders, Jay-Z, etc.) and what better to do than look back before you're catapulted into the future?
"Yo, I'm makin' short term goals, when the weather folds/
Just put away the leathers and put ice on the gold."
-Jay-Z, "Can't Knock the Hustle"
Whenever you step into a room, especially when you're expected, it's good to let the people know exactly what's on your mind and where you're going. Jay lets you know right off the bat that not only is he not playing around but he's got a plan, albeit many short term goals, and he's gonna do it with style, even if the leathers have to be put away.
"N***** know who dope yo, shit the flow is wretched/
And my G too futuristic for you hoes to catch it."
-Ja Rule, "We Here Now"
Well, the flow actually ended being quite wretched to the point where fans couldn't stand it any longer. And the G actually wasn't that futuristic because some guy named Curtis caught it all right, took it for himself and then used it to destroy Ja. Dude got destroyed by his own G!
"Yo...what you thought punk, shit was sweet, now you can't sleep/
Gotta keep ya eyes open wide and hide ya face from the streets"
-Big Pun, "Beware"
Wow. Pun came out the gate very, very hard on Capital Punishment and it was a wrap from there. If that's the only, only thing he ever did in his short life, he'd still be considered one of the greatest. If you weren't on Rios' side and you were the punk who thought shit was sweet, I feel pretty bad for you. It would take most rappers a whole album to son somebody as effectively as Pun did with two bars.
"What's with the melodrama?/
Fellas wanna hover in my cypher like a helicopter"
-Talib Kweli, "Move Somethin'"
Kwa got his post-Black Star career off to a rolling start with this couplet over Hi-Tek's hypnotic horns. It also sets the stage for Kweli to be that guy that raps a lot about rappers. Battle lines are nice, but if it's the first thing you're gonna say, you better come with the heat. Knock 'em out like Pun or Nas, don't half-step comparing guys who want to be around you to a helicopter hovering above land. This kind of passive-aggressiveness is not gonna win you any points with the hardcore heads and it's just gonna keep the weirdos following you around out of hope they get another shout out on your next album. These stale battle rap couplets are good enough for the "I don't like rap but I like Talib Kweli and Mos Def" fans, but it's not gonna fly for the real heads and that's a huge reason why despite Kweli's popularity today, he's by far not a very sought-out feature when it comes to big time collabs and remixes.
"They say I walk around like got a 'S' on my chest/
Nah, that's a semi-auto, and a vest on my chest."
-50 Cent, "What Up Gangsta"
To say 50's first album, Get Rich or Die Trying, was mildly successful is like saying Pam Anderson had a decent rack. This album secured 50 as a hip-hop/pop mainstay and gave him the path to become the mogul that he is today. These first two bars are all about 50 addressing people's perception of him and describing how he actually is, which is basically all he does now. You peep his new project War Angel? It's filled with lines about 50 describing himself. It seems like that's all he does now and he's not really doing it as creatively as he used to. Saying other people compare you to Superman but all you really have is a gun and bulletproof vest is pretty risky. It's just too bad he got comfy and safe after his first album.
I think I've proven my point, which is that the first two bars an MC spits on their debut album are pretty damn important. We could go on and on and look at Cam, DMX, Jada and all the Golden Era MCs just to reinforce the point, but this isn't a column about who spit the best two bars on the first song of their first album. This is about the importance of coming hard right out the gate and how those two lines will dictate the direction your career is going to take.
We on the same page? Cool.
Now we go on to Poison Pen, one of my favorite rappers in the game and the best journaler in the game (sorry, J-Zone and Rhymefest, but Pen's got this shit on lock). His debut album The Money Shot is finally dropping this summer and Fatboy P was gracious enough to send me an advance copy of the joint without the snippets or overdubs. I got it like that! Hell, I could just post the intro along with all the songs featuring Immortal Technique (there's only one, suckas), but that wouldn't really be too difficult. Instead I'm gonna break down my thoughts about the album until it drops and use The Money Shot as a framework for writing about all sorts of random shit I wouldn't normally be motivated to write about.
Sorry, I got a little off track. Back to The Money Shot. Let's go straight to the first two words on Pen's intro track:
"I'm a barbarian, you's a librarian/
I'm the foulest out, aurora borealis mouth."
Pen comes straight with a self-esteem shot, as he claims to be barbaric in nature while we're content with filing books according to the Dewey Decimal System. It's not that we don't enjoy shelving books, it's just that we don't really want to be doing that when the only other alternative is being a barbarian. And Pen may need his barbaric credentials checked, 'cause the last time I checked, barbarians don't rhyme words with "librarian," much less know what exactly it is that a librarian does. For argument's sake, let's just assume that Pen is one of the top barbarians in his group and that it is possible for some barbarians to put together coherent rhymes.
Pen then says he's the foulest out. A shot at his former group Foul Play? Probably not, but as a member of the media, it's my job to start controversy where there is none and I have to take that part of my job very seriously. Pen then says he has an aurora borealis mouth. Great, now Pen is a foul barbarian who emanates light when he speaks.
At this point Pen has painted himself as a derelict adept at rapping, which is pretty much exactly how he is in real life. Although he's not as big of a derelict today as he used to be, he's still got it in his blood and probably always will, which is exactly how we want our Poison Pen. We don't want him putting on some designer clothes or quietly slipping into the back of the diner. We want him barging through the front door in a vomit-stained white tee demanding the finest flapjacks (and crepes, if possible) east of the Mississippi.
If we have to look at Pen's first two bars on The Money Shot as a precursor to his career, it's tough to really say where it's going to go because Pen's being true to himself. Yes, he can be a barbarian on the mic. Yes, we are all librarians. Yes, he is the foulest out. Yes, he does spit light shows from his mouth. When it comes down to it, those are some larger than life lines from a larger than life persona, but the main problem Pen's had is getting everyone aware of who he is. There was a time when the only site that would support him was HHG and I'd like to think that with the journals he wrote on the site, that helped other people become aware of him and other writers to take him seriously as an artist worth paying attention to. Either way, I'm glad Poison Pen is getting more support now and after hearing the full version of The Money Shot, I can confidently say that it's a great listen. Just don't ask me whether or not fans want a foul, librarian-dissing barbarian spitting out light.
In case you slept through astronomy like I did:
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 6/26/2009
Yes, it's sad that Michael Jackson passed away and yes, I understand some of you have a burning need to pay tribute to him in some way or another. Here's the thing though. How the hell are you gonna pay tribute to someone when you can't even spell their name right?
"Michael" is one of the easier names to spell, mainly because there have been so many famous "Michael"'s in society. Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan, Michael J. Fox...The amount of times a person has seen "Michael" either on the TV screen or in a newspaper/magazine has to be pretty high, assuming said person is literate. No one has any excuse to misspell "Michael" and if you do, well, you shouldn't necessarily be paying tribute to a man of that name.
The worst offense I saw was a dude being interviewed. I can't remember the station but he was an older guy holding a homemade sign that had pictures of MJ paperclipped to the side of the posterboard. When the interviewer asked him about it, he said he had made that sign "years ago" and had put it up over his computer so he could look at it every day. Every day. A homemade poster.
I don't want to judge, but you know anytime I say that someone's about to get the shit judged out of them. If you are over the age of 10 and you do not have an academic or work-related presentation to make, you have no right buying posterboard. If you're a sports fan, there's a very small amount of leniency granted towards making signs because some of those can be fairly clever. But if you're just going to do an acronym of the network's name, then you too have no right busting out the Crayolas on a big piece of paper. Old guys have no right making signs about anyone, period. There has to be better things to do with your time when you get old, right? If I go to some older people's homes, am I going to find mountains of posters hiding in closets because that's the cool thing to do? This may be more of an epidemic than I realized, but that's gonna call for more professional help than what I can give here.
I was thinking more and more about that old dude last night and his story about hanging the posterboard up. First off, why would you paperclip the pictures onto the poster? If you're gonna make a poster, aren't you at least gonna have a glue stick handy? Those things really aren't going to break the bank and it's going to make your poster, which explains your love of MJ and your virginity, look a hell of a lot more professional so when everyone else in your place of work is planning on going out for drinks, at least when they pretend to forget to invite you they're still saying in the back of their mind, "Geez, Doug sure can make a hell of a poster. Maybe he could make one for my living room."
The second thing that bothers me is he says he works with computers. I know computers are pretty mainstream now and a lot of people can use them for reasons not related to accessing pornography. But seriously, if you're a boss, are you gonna let some dude who brings in a homemade, paperclipped poster of Michael Jackson go anywhere near a computer? Computers are still pretty expensive and you want to make sure they're being used by the right people. If I was the boss and I saw that guy coming around, I'd probably give him one of those old Macs with the 12" floppy's and let him play Oregon Trail in the corner all day. Ford the river, dude! Ford the river!
Let's assume this guy is a big enough loser that his entire story is true. He made a tribute poster to Michael Jackson with paperclips and he really did hang it over his computer so he could be reminded on a daily basis how much he really loves this guy. Let's just say it's true for argument's sake. If you have been staring at that poster for over a year and you're really as big a fan of Michael Jackson as you say you are, aren't you gonna notice, at some point, that you completely botched the spelling of his first name? Isn't that kind of important? Spelling "Michael" like "Micheal" kind of brings your whole "I'm his biggest fan ever" story into question.
I'm pretty sure that guy was not the big MJ admirer he claimed to be, but you never know. Remember all those weirdos celebrating Jacko not having to go to jail for doing weird stuff with little boys? It's kind of scary to think people like that actually exist out there somewhere.
Not to lose focus here. I wish the whole "Michael Jackson Tribute" thing could only be done by the people who know how to do it. Take these guys, for instance. Rap Dreams Radio has created a whole page to pay tribute to The King of Pop, because, you know, they're such big fans and all. But they misspell his name every chance they get! Look, if one "Micheal" slips out but you got the rest covered, you're pretty good money. If you spell it "Micheal" every single time, well, you're not good money. If the only time you spell the name right is when you jack someone else's MJ background, well, that just doesn't make you look very smart or sincere.
Here's something that may even trump this. DJ Wrekk 1 did a "Micheal Jackson Exclusive Mix," which basically has the playlist of his greatest hits, except you probably get some annoying talking over the same songs in a lower bit rate. Not only is he jacking the guy's catalog for his personal gain, the mixtape has no exclusive remixes and there's nothing special about it. Plus he can't spell the name right! "M-I-C-H-A-E-L." That is how it's done. DJs, no jacking catalogs for personal gain and if you're gonna disrespect the guy like that, excuse me, "pay tribute like that," then at least have the intelligence to spell his name right.
I also got this email. I hate it when people I don't even know don't have the smarts to BCC that motherfucker. So what happens is all those people jack the email list and probably don't BCC it and before you know it you're getting all sorts of random emails about birthday parties and donkey sex shows. Since I got spammed and the guy didn't even have the decency to protect the list, I'm gonna put his email out there:
"I just found out Micheal Jackson has pass away today. He was 50 years old. RIP Micheal Jackson. Gone but never will be forgotten."
MJ won't be forgotten anytime soon. What also won't be forgotten is your struggles with the English language. "Pass" is in the present tense. Michael Jackson "passed away." "Passed" is in the past tense. No one "has pass away." And it's not "past away" either. "Passed away." And again, dude butchered his name not once but twice, meaning not only will I never forget that Jackson passed, but that this dude's elementary school teachers failed him so miserably that they probably wish they "has pass away" if they were also on that email list.
Look, feel free to pay the man all the tribute you want. He was a legend and no matter how weird his personal life was, he made a lot of great music. Do what you need to do. Just remember the "a" goes before the "e." Sheesh.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 6/15/2009
Can Jay-Z Really Kill Auto Tune?
Jay-Z did not deliver Auto Tune’s eulogy. Rather, he found Auto Tune laying dead behind a dumpster heavily guarded by male teens in jeans so tight their vaginas burst. Instead of calling the police or letting Auto Tune’s moms gently know about the unfortunate incident, he showed up at her door, kicked it open, and energetically yelled, “Yo, your son got popped! Word up! I saw him lying dead behind the dumpster. I buck-50′d his face just for you. Bye now!”
“My raps don’t have melodies/
It should make rappers wanna go and commit felonies.”
Amen to that, brother. That’s why I love listening to old Screwball music so much. I hear Blaq Poet while I’m passing by a 7-11 and I, a law-abiding and tax-paying citizen, think to myself, ‘I wonder how much cash is in the drawer?’ God only knows what would happen to me if I went back to my Olde English days with nothing but M.O.P, IM3 and Screwball music.
I appreciate what Jay is saying here. Music should evoke some kind of emotion, and hip-hop should still make you want to act reckless. Kid Cudi and Charles Hamilton don’t really do anything for me. Call it getting old or hating or whatever you want, it just doesn’t do it for me the same way Phyllis doesn’t do anything for Michael Scott. And please, let’s leave the singing and the melodies to the people who actually can do it. And why is it that most melodies sound more like whining these days anyway?
“I just don’t need nobody to smile on this.”
Word. Get violent. Where did all the mean-mugging go anyway? Dudes don’t really smile anymore either. It’s kind of weird. If you look at a lot of pictures out there, the majority of rappers are either going for the disinterested look or the “I’m so awkward I don’t fit in” look that’s so popular in the teenage girl demographic. Get your growls up!
“‘Ye told me to kill y’all to keep it one hunnid.”
Does Kanye consider himself in the dead body heap after that debacle 808’s and Heartbreak? If Kanye doesn’t have Auto Tune, does that mean he’s actually going to have to rap at some point? Do we want that?
For anyone calling Jay old and a hater for making a song like this, I just don’t see it. He’s been saying what we’ve all been saying for the past year, it’s just that nobody really listens to us. Some of the kids I teach don’t even realize Auto Tune is a voice-altering device. They just think that T-Pain really sings that way. Older heads, imagine going to a Digital Underground show and never realizing that Shock G and Humpty Hump was the same person. That’s some embarrassing shit right there!
What I’m watching for now is the artists’ reaction to “Death of Autotune.” Jay’s set plenty of trends, some more ill-advised than others (like that whole “growing up” theme that was so prevalent onKingdom Come), but does he still have the power to do that? I’d like to think he does, especially when it comes to Auto Tune, chain snatching and smiling. One of the biggest obstacles in Jay’s way right now is that he’s lost a lot of ground with the younger generation because he’s been making music with his core fanbase in mind for the past couple of years (with the exception of Kingdom Come, which was made for nobody). As hot as songs like “Pray” and “Roc Boys” were, those are not going to have the same impact as a Jay guest spot on Officer Ricky’s albums. Sad but true.
What I’m saying is that the younger generation is not going to blindly follow Jay the way so many fans who are now in their 20s and 30s did in the real Rocafella days. It’s up to artists like Drake and whoever else is popular right now to either agree with Jay and start making better music or to let the fans know that “Death of Autotune” is a complete load of crap and it’s not that rappers and singers are T-Pain’in too much, it’s that they’re not T-Pain’in enough.
Here’s hoping to never hear another Auto Tune hook dedicated to a bartender, getting money and whatever else these young’uns are singing about these days. Why do I feel so old?
P.S. “Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen.”
Did you know Jay didn’t use a pen when he writes? Did you know Kobe and LeBron drink Vitamin Water? I bet you didn’t hear about Barack Obama being the first African-American President.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 4/28/2009
Deeper than Rap?
Can’t really say I’m too surprised, but the fake Rick Ross is going to have a No. 1 album in his third effort Deeper than Rap. It’s too soon for the final numbers, but his recent success shows two things in hip-hop:
You can basically do anything you want and get away with it (how else to explain 808’s and Heartbreak and any Young Jeezy album?)
Rap fans are morons.
I can’t say I expected Officer Ricky to flop but I did expect more fans to actually care about supporting a complete fraud. Props to Rick Ross for proving that nothing really matters in rap besides T-Pain hooks and club-friendly beats.
Although I was less excited to listen to Deeper than Rap than that time I found out I was Tubgirl’s lead cleaner (not a bad gig, financially speaking), I had to hear the album to see just how Rawsss represented himself and how much he really disgraced hip-hop with this last-ditch effort to reclaim a shard of credibility.
Deeper than Rap starts off with “Mafia Music,” which is a hit despite Rawsss not being affiliated with any mafias and Rawsss also not being Italian (When you’re as nice as Brad Jordan these issues don’t even get brought up). Here are some notable lines from the snoozer that a lot of fans actually liked:
“Proof’s in the pudding” – a) the image of Rawsss eating pudding is entirely disturbing. b) unless he dropped his CO picture and ID card in a vat of the Cosby sauce, I’m not really sure what he’s talking about here.
“Chilling on $20 million” – Who doesn’t believe him? Has he ever given you any reason to doubt his credibility?
“Dodging debacles like potholes in Jamaica” – Just like you dodged that whole ex-CO thing, right? Look how well that turned out for you? Dodging the truth would have been a more appropriate line.
“Martin had a dream, Bob got high/I still do both but somehow I got by” – He must be speaking of Martin Lawrence. Didn’t he have some sort of dream in Big Mama’s House? There’s no way he could be comparing himself to Dr. Martin Luther King, is there? Really? And the only thing dude really does have in common with Bob Marley (I’m not on a first-name basis with these two like Officer is, after all he also knows the real Noriega) is a love of marijuana. Bob Marley made classic revolutionary music that over-privileged white kids get high to while skipping Econ 101. Rick Ross makes music that, well, um, morons who wear sunglasses inside and consider Plies a philosopher get high to.
“Creflo prey, Mike Vick pay/Bobby Brown stray, Whitney lost way” – Not really sure what these random references have to do with making “Mafia Music” or any kind of music in particular. Even Game doesn’t namedrop this poorly. Maybe this is just Officer’s chance to show that he’s got mad skills with the rhymes. I mean, he’s gotta be the first to rhyme “prey,” “pay,” “stray,” and “way” this side of Spot Runs Away. I think the album’s gay, I’m not gonna pay/It’s fake what he say, on the shelf is where it stay.
“Kimbo Slice on the pad when I write” – Kimbo also kind of got knocked out when he faced a real opponent. Ricky’s just lucky he hasn’t faced any real opponents yet, unless you want to count the half-assed attention 50 Cent gave him. Comparing yourself to a dude who lost to this guy is probably, well, actually appropriate. Nice one.
Memo to Sean Price – Please rename your latest mixtape. Kimbo Price is not gonna work for me. Thanks buddy.
“Shooting at the cops, fuck one time” – Bad day with the coworkers, huh? What happened, did one of them eat that yogurt you’d been saving in the fridge? I hate when that happens.
“A Farrakhan aura” – Um, I’ll let someone else break this one down. It’s too easy!
“Women love to stare ‘cause they know they see the money/I open up her mind by opening bank accounts/Deposit 100 stacks, break up and take it out” – On the other seven continents that’s called trickin’, ain’t it? Giving a girl $100,000 to be with you isn’t really balling, is it? Either he found the most expensive prostitute in the world or he’s at a step below john’ing it up in the 305.
The great thing about “Mafia Music” is that Rawsss still finds time to work in some kilo talk. It’s like one of those constants in life, like taxes and Nicolas Cage movies sucking.
I think he also mighta said something about 50 Cent. Maybe.
My attention starts to wane after “Mafia Music,” which doesn’t help me with the star-studded “Maybach Music” collaboration. The main thing this song proves is that most artists will sell their ass if it’s a good move politically. Gotta love these two lines from Richard:
“Shades in all shades” – I’m not sure if he’s talking about weed, sunglasses or selling window fixtures to block out the sun. I’m currently looking for any pictures of Ricky Ross selling blinds in the greater Miami area. The Interior Decorating Bawsss!
“Beat your ass black and blue” – What goes on behind bars needs to stay behind bars. Where’s Fat Joe to fill in the rest for me here?
Honestly, I tried to keep going but for the sake of my sanity I had to pull the headphones off and slowly step away. I’ll try to get back to it again sometime this week but I feel like it would be against my better judgment, kind of like Asher Roth having a Twitter account.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 4/21/2009
Industry Rule #1 – 4079 Part II
Rule #3 – Predators are everywhere
As of now there’s no “The Rap Chris Hansen” but until then, just know that you better be careful. If you’re a rapper who’s desperate to get on and eager to please, just know that you’re going to have more friends than Chingy’s got trannys. The dudes you gotta watch out for came up on QVC commercials and Todd Marinovich football cards. “Sure, I can hook you up, but I’m gonna need a little something, know what I mean?”
I guess I should stop for a quick second. What inspired this rule was a recent email I got from a buddy of mine who’s trying to promote his artist on other websites. A certain website, who maybe should remain unnamed or maybe just put out there (consider it our stimulus plan contribution), charges $150 for a song posting. An extra $50 will get you a disinterested journalist either asking or emailing you questions about how you feel about the current state of hip-hop and who your influences are. $200 for a song posting that might get a couple listens and an interview that will get about five reads, if you’re counting yourself. And to think you were going to spread that $200 out over the various companies that advertise in the back of XXL. Porn catalogues, fortune tellers hitting your cell phone and “iced out ice” can wait ‘til your mom’s next payday. Damn straight. I can’t think of any better way to spend some jack then on a fake interview and booty song posting.
Keep this in mind – the website is being upfront in telling you what they do. That gives them an ounce of credibility in an ocean of respect. They’re pimping their site to anyone and they’re not afraid to tell you. Props on that. You also have to remember this – if you can get on, so can everyone else. There’s a chance you might have some decent music. If your decent music gets posted, what are the odds that it’s going to be considered dope if you’re sandwiched in between everyone’s Twitter tribute and Auto Tune dud?
You put a dope girl in a biker bar and she’s suddenly not looking so good anymore, is she? What’s wrong with her? What kind of life choices did she make to leave her sitting between two 300 pound dudes slamming Budweiser as quickly as they can sweat it out onto their patent leather vests? You wouldn’t even think of approaching that girl because you’d just assume something was wrong with her. Either she’s got no teeth or has more crabs than Bill O’Reilly at a hermit crab convention.
The same goes for your music. If you’re sandwiched between fake thug and fake singer, no one’s gonna notice. Don’t be the delicious vanilla filling to their moldy sandwich cookies. Have some pride.
Keep in mind, those are not the only snakes you gotta watch out for in the game. There are plenty of rappers out there who charge $500 for a verse, get at least half the money and then never lay the verse. DO not pay rappers for shit until you get everything in writing. It may sound bad putting a blanket statement like this out there, but you really can not trust 90% of rappers out there to do the right thing when they see a new artist that’s easy to be taken advantage of and times are tight.
I’ve heard a few stories from rappers who got ripped off on both ends of the transaction. Either the Artist A pays Artist B half or all the money upfront and Artist B disappears or Artist A pays Artist B half upfront, Artist B comes through and that other half of the bread never comes from Artist A. Those are the two most common scenarios I’ve heard about and paperwork needs to be written up for both situations. As someone who’s been ripped off by a few rappers and label people can tell you (no, I wasn’t trying to rap with them), don’t do anything nice for anyone unless they’re actually your real friends.
And if you’re one of those people out there hurting for money, start a pyramid scheme or sell magazine subscriptions. Hell, go to Costco and sell candy door to door like all those kids on the train who have the gift of making you feel guilty if you don’t cop some peanut M&Ms.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 4/16/2009
Industry Rule #1 – 4079 Part I
When Q-Tip rapped, “Industry rule number 4080, record company people are shady,” he kind of forgot about the 4079 other industry rules. And no, the industry doesn’t rule. O’Doyle’s rule. Everybody knows that. But hopefully these other rules can help you better navigate the rap game, where biting is not only okay but expected and originality has faded faster than a Bo Jackson cut in the ‘90s.
Industry Rule #1 – Do not, under any conditions, assume that a person working at a record company knows anything.
I can’t stress this rule enough. These guys are clueless. Need proof? Look at the music that’s coming out. From Jim Jones to Gucci Mane to OJ Da Juiceman (where’s his partner Cranberry?), record company people know less than the fans but will never cop to this. In fact, they pride themselves on being “2 steps” ahead of the competition. What kind of steps those are, I have no idea. But what I do know is that you can never tell those guys they’re idiots to their face for two reasons: 1) They’d never believe you. 2) The game would be incredibly boring if they suddenly got competent. We don’t want that.
I’ll never forget one of my meetings at a record label two years ago. It was actually the last meeting I showed up to and provided me with loads of material for past columns. Maybe I follow through on more meetings…Anyway, this clown has a very, very prominent position with the label, who’s really not worth mentioning. We were supposed to meet about some stuff with the site, which is what I was told. Instead I was treated to two hours of this d-bag telling me how he only got into rap because he heard N.W.A. at a house party in his Wisconsin suburb and some girls liked it so then he liked it. I feel like this is the part where I have to say “true story” to verify this actually happened, but I vowed to never be that guy that had to say “true story” anytime I told a story and “no homo” anytime I ever said anything. Really. I don’t want to be that guy.
After he told me about how he tried to get laid by some Wisconsin farm girls, he left to take an “important call.” While he was gone I was looking to the publicist at the label, who was also there. He was in full work mode, telling me that his guy was “under the gun” with these new projects they were going to push. As of now, all of the projects have either been dropped from the label, are still coming out someday or they’ve completely flopped. Great track record. He came back in talking about how Greg was going to be late to some NYC nightclub where you have to wear glittery shirts and fishnet stockings. And that’s just the dudes.
I waited around with my boy a little while longer, getting some promo CDs of tracks that had been out for three months but were promised to be “exclusives” that I could post on the site. Thanks.
These days I’m much smarter than I was two years ago. I don’t take meetings for a good reason – I really don’t like industry people. Could I get more ads by playing the game? Maybe. Is “playing the game” worth it? If you consider having to take trains to bummy office buildings and being forced to laugh at corny rappers’ corny jokes, then hell no it’s not worth it. Rule No. 1 is always going to be relevant and it’s always going to be true, kind of like a New Kids on the Block album.
Industry Rule #2 – Do not, under any circumstances, take Twitter seriously.
Taking Twitter seriously is like taking rec league ball seriously. Don’t be a tool. The only reason I joined Twitter in the first place (still kind of embarrassed about that, truth be told, true story) was to have one more way to crush the game in terms of interviews and exclusives. And it works for that just fine. But I did not join Twitter to make new friends or to tell all of my secrets there. I have two friends in real life and that’s enough, thank you very much. I don’t need people to tell me HipHopGame is their favorite website just so I listen to their music. If you like the site, that’s great. That’s why Dee Jekkyl and Carl and Kevin and I bust our asses doing what we do. That’s why you have great blogs from Poison Pen, Stimuli, Ariel, Rhymefest and now RatheMC. All I’m saying is you don’t have to kiss ass to get your music listened to.
Back to the lecture at hand. To quote one of the greatest expressions in the history of the English language – Twitter is what it is. It is what it is. And what that means is that Twitter should not be taken seriously under any circumstances. It’s an avenue for basically two things – 1) Telling the world all of your inane and idiotic thoughts that should stay between those two ears and 2) connecting with people you wouldn’t normally connect with for journalistic purposes. If you use Twitter for option No. 1, you are a loser. You need to delete your account, smash your computer and listen to Smoothe Da Hustler’s Once Upon a Time in America. He would seriously hate you for how you live. And if you fall under the networking umbrella, well, just don’t overdo it. Don’t send @replies to everyone on your buddy list with the same message. Don’t tell me good morning and good night. Don’t tell me what you’re having for dinner. Don’t tell me what TV show you’re watching. Don’t tell me Kobe just dunked the ball. That’s what Sportscenter is for. Keep your posts short and memorable, like N.O.R.E.
What brought this rule up was a recent episode I had on Twitter. I had been trying to build with this guy named Tiron, a rapper we’d been posting songs up way before all the cookie-cutter blogs “discovered him” (this happens a lot but the longtime followers know what’s going on. That’s why I don’t gots to self-promote like some journalists have to). My dude DJ Truth had always sent us Tiron’s music and we posted it because it was dope. He’s a good artist. But he’s using Twitter all wrong and he needs to step his game up. I was building with him about doing some things on HHG and when I tried to reply back to his DM, I couldn’t do it. Apparently I had been “defriended” on Twitter. Wow.
As I’m trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together as to how a rapper could defriend me on Twitter, I came across the DM he sent me before “unfollowing” me – “I’m only giving updates to friends.” Really? Twittering for friends? That goes against every rule of being a rapper and, more importantly, being a member of the human race. Twitter is not for friends! Puff Daddy is on Twitter. There’s no way this can actually be a good thing! Protecting updates and being selective about who you follow is for the birds.
Plus I really can’t connect with anybody who takes Twitter that seriously. If they’re this geeked up about Twitter, I’d hate to come across their MySpace page. Can you say really cool backgrounds and lots of YouTube links? Their Facebook page is probably off the chain with pics of every time they ever touched a bottle of alcohol or non-alcoholic beverage containing more than 20 grams of sugar. And if all these people who Twitter as if their life depends on it actually took their real life more seriously, maybe they wouldn’t be making 50 updates a day about their cereal getting soggy while they look for the remote while everyone else is out actually trying to accomplish something. At least some people, like N.O.R.E. and Jay Electronica, have figured out how to accomplish things like having a kid while Twittering.
Anyway, if you use Twitter to share your hopes and dreams, your hopes and dreams are not worth sharing. Dead them like Jay deaded Jaz. If you’re going to use Twitter for anything other than making witty retorts to people you could never talk to in real life, like the Alchemist, making irreverent references to classic lines from The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or 30 Rock or actually trying to get a little work done in the form of self-promotion, then get off Twitter. They don’t need you and you’re not doing them any favors by hogging their bandwidth with posts like “Good morning Tweets it’s morning now!” Yeah, we know it’s morning and you’re a twat if you call people “twits” or make “tweets” or perform and reference any variations of the word “twitter.”
Whew. That’s only two rules but if you can follow those two rules your week should improve drastically. Hey, at least you’re not Rick Ross.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 3/31/2009
I love Cam telling fans to stop dreaming about a Diplomats album? Does anyone remember the first one? Albeit it was their best effort, but it still wasn’t that good. Half the time you didn’t know if Cam was joking or just tripping off the pink and purple haze. Anyone remember this gem off “I Really Mean It”:
“Hey yo lock my garage, rock my massage
Fuck it, bucket by Osh Kosh Bgosh
Golly I'm gully, look at his galoshes
Gucci, gold, platinum plaque collages”
Entertaining? Yes. Timeless music? Not quite. And don’t get me wrong, I really, really enjoyed Diplomatic Immunity when it came out and I still enjoy it to this day. That album has a lot of really cool songs but it’s far from a classic. Why is it not a classic, you ask?
Un Kasa led it off
“Hey Ma Remix” was an absolute disaster
“Bout It Bout It Part III” (there never should have been a part 1, much less a part 3)
Skits are terrible. At least Cam and Juelz stepped it up on their solo projects that followed (Purple Haze and From Me to U, respectively)
Now if they had made Diplomatic Immunity a single disc, we could possibly have a decent argument as to the album’s classicness. Here’s how I would have released the album:
Who Am I
More Than Music
I Really Mean It
Santana the Great
Built This City
My Love feat. Freeway
I’m Ready (Remix) feat. Redman, Busta Rhymes, RZA, Beanie Sigel and Young Zee
Yeah, I know my Jersey bias is coming through on that last collab that never happened but would have been pretty dope if it had.
If Cam had trimmed the fat off Diplomatic Immunity like he should have, that album would have been a much stronger effort and probably would have made their subsequent efforts, if that’s not using the word “effort” too loosely, a little better. Diplomatic Immunity had a few decent songs, like “S.A.N.T.A.N.A.” and “40 Cal,” but it also had “Crunk Muzik” and “I Wanna Be Your Lady.” Inexcusable.
And then there was the “Cam’ron Presents Dipset” and then Duke Da God starting presenting albums and it just got to the point where it felt like they called everyone into the studio they were renting by the hour and said the whole thing had to be done in five hours or someone wasn’t getting their case of the Sizzurp when it shipped.
It makes perfect sense, though, that it would be that way. When is the sequel to a movie ever better than the original? There’s only one Major League, Naked Gun, Karate Kid and Clerks. There was no way the Dips could have remade the beautiful ignorance that was the first Diplomatic Immunity, no matter how hard they tried. And golly they tried.
Has anyone heard the new Jim Jones album Pray IV Reign? It sucks. It really does. I gave it a listen because I knew I had to hear the whole thing in it’s entirety before actually writing about it, because maybe it was going to be as good as his fans were saying. Take Questlove, for example:
“You know what, there’s gonna be a sucker punch. I think [Jim] Jones is gonna come from out the shadows. Like for some reason I think Jones is gonna hit the bull’s eye with this album [Prey IV Reign].”
That bull’s eye could have been as big as Kim Kardashian in a fun house mirror and he still would have missed that shot like Dick Cheney dove-hunting. Jim Jones does not have next. Take away questions about Cam and what does he really have to talk about? I can’t even begin to see how fans could possibly turn Pray IV Reign into one of those albums that everyone has to hear. Jimmy lost me when he started rapping like he was on AIM with the “S-M-H, L-O-L” line on one of those watered-down tracks. Sorry I can’t be more specific as to the song but revisiting that debacle now would not be good for any of us.
Back to Killa Cam, though. Cam, it’s all good if there never is another Diplomats album. Really. Guys like J.R. Writer and Hell Rell have more than capitalized off the Diplomats experiment. Un Kasa has had more of a career off that one track than he probably ever would have had if he never had that cosign. Hell, even Frankie Krutches got one of the coolest shoutouts ever recorded on a track (Frankie!)
And don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to say that I don’t enjoy music from those that appeared on Diplomat albums. Listening to Hell Rell makes me want to knock off a 7-11. J.R. Writer makes me want to make a punchline out of the first thing I see.
“I get more letters from your chick than this damn keyboard!”
“I stick to my word like a Post-It note/You go to jail and you drop the soap!”
“Your girl stays nodding like my Schrute Bobblehead/We don’t gotta be in The Office for her to gimme head!”
See what I mean? That’s bars, yo. Email me for ghostwriting packages. I’m actually hoping someone does email me about this. Ghostwriting an album is one of those goals of mine along with hooping with Lloyd Daniels and John Crotty. Oh, wait, I’ve already done that. And it was awesome. And in the spirit of this Diplomats-inspired column, it’s only right to drop a no homo.
And I’ve heard a lot of people call J.R. Writer garbage. I’ll never understand that. You can’t say J.R. Writer is the illest MC since Big L but you can not call him garbage. Is he entertaining? Yes. Does he spit crack sometimes? Yes. Like this, off his debut album (not to be confused with the 47 editions of Writer’s Block) History in the Making (“To be a Diplomat”):
“Yo listen scrap, zip ya trap, You lookin at a honorary (Diplomat)
I did this crap from chicken scraps (whoa)”
If you can’t laugh at a line like this, you’re taking life way too seriously. First off, how could J.R. be an honorary Diplomat when he was already an official member? But that’s not even the best part. “I did this crap from chicken scraps!” I don’t really understand if he means he figuratively wrote his rhymes coming from nothing or if this line should be taken literally and he laid out his rhymes in chicken scraps on the studio carpet before going in the booth. And honestly, who hasn’t written out their lines in chicken bones before laying them down? That’s really the only way a real MC should do it, especially in March when it’s prime wing-eating time. The next column will be laid out in chicken scraps as ‘Nova takes it to the house like Slip N Slide in their prime.
Hell Rell doesn’t really inspire me to be a rapper though. He’s mastered the gun and crack rap to the point where I feel like I’d be disrespecting him by even attempting it.
And I know Juelz and Cam are supposedly nice and all, but Juelz hasn’t really dropped anything of significance since “Rumble Young Man” and “Mic Check.” Maybe there’s something dope on his new mixtape with Wayne but I haven’t allotted him the hard drive space yet to verify that. And Cam’s gotta drop something dope soon because it’s never good when you drop more interviews than songs.
I'm out like Duke. Not Da God. Matter of fact, Duke, I am da god.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 3/16/2009
At this point I think it’s safe to say that there are no winners in the 50 v. Officer Rickey debacle. 50 had Rawsss on the ropes with “Officer Rickey” and the
The Flex interview Ricky tried to do was bullshit. He brought this crap on himself when he said 50 was throwing jabs “in different formats” and that it was to the game and he had to step up and say something. Right. Maybe it’s just me but does anyone else think it’s a little foul that you’re applauding the mother of your kid for giving her sex tape to 50 Cent and getting money out of the “monkey” (we could write a whole book on the self-hatred Rawsss is holding on to tighter than all those ki’s he used to hustle for the real Noriega)? You may have forgotten, but that is the mother of your kid. No matter what she may have done to you, you need to protect your kid. You’re not the least bit disturbed that he’s gonna have to go through school (if him and the high-class mom even know about that reading book and writing stuff thing) with kids being able to access that bullshit? Doesn’t bother you in the least? Dude’s got enough issues outside of rap.
And 50, your cartoons are over. The whole Pimpin’ Curly thing is old. Stop. Really. Go sell sugar water and
Ideally both idiots would just make a couple songs and call it a day, but thanks to these “different formats” that is available these days (I don’t actually know of this, I’m just going off what Rawsss says). When it comes down to it at the end of the day, 50 is the kid in class who can never tell when his joke gets old and Rawsss is the one with the overactive imagination who no one believes but they still let him sit at the lunch table because he shares his Ding Dongs with the rest of the group. Both of them just need to take a huge step away and stop talking until they have some decent music that speaks for them. And let’s face it, if either one of them had singles that were doing halfway decent they wouldn’t have to act like teenage girls who just discovered the internet.
“I just found out I had a MySpace a year ago,” the officer told Flex. Sounds like he has as good a hold of his current career as he did with his past career. Dude, how do you not know you have a MySpace? How are you going to let someone else send messages and pick your top 8 friends? How do your former office buddies feel about that?
I know you’re probably as tired of reading about this as I am of writing about it, but I really, really want this to go away.
If someone got exposed for being a fake, wouldn’t you think they’d have to go away? Wouldn’t you think media outlets would stop giving this guy suck-up interviews that conveniently circumvent his past that never really happened? Quite the opposite, really, which is why I don’t place any stock in hip-hop mags. Where you would think being a fraud in hip-hop would get you excommunicated from the game, his fraudulent persona gets him the cover of the biggest mag in the game! How does that happen? I do know one thing, if Elliot was still over there, I don’t think that would be happening. XXL is off to a terrible start this year and I don’t see any 50 Cent or Jay-Z covers helping them bounce back at this point. Let’s review:
February 2009 – Jim Jones and the Diplomats grace the cover. Nothing really compelling or worthwhile in any of the interviews, just the same BS over the “drama” that some people must care about for it to keep getting reported, ya dig? “Did you talk to Cam? Does Juelz still like Cam? Does Cam still push you on the swings or do you push him?” Dipset, the collection of subpar rappers with over-inflated egos, was over after the first Diplomatic Immunity. That was a career peak for the individuals and the group. I personally think the whole Jim Jones/Cam “beef” is a setup like Cam referenced in his XXL interview and either way, the beef is terrible and should just go away like the 50 and Ross beef. As I’m writing this I’m feeling more and more depressed with the sad state the game is in today. Let’s move on.
(quick pause for Bumpy Knuckles’ The Konexion.)
March 2009 – Cam’ron is on the cover because he’s giving an apparently long-awaited interview about where he’s been, why he disappeared, how he feels about Jim Jones, why Juelz is like a crackhead, etc. All in all, a pretty interesting read but not worth the cover, especially when forgot everything he said anyway. The XXL cover should mean something. So far this year, Ross’ April cover included, no one has been on the cover for their music. They’ve all been featured because of the controversies that surround them outside of the music. Unless you want to count the CO’s “Mafia Music,” none of them have dropped a certifiable banger in ’08 or ’09. I would not be surprised if the likes of Foxy Brown graced the May issue. You know, just for old time’s sake.
April 2009 – Here we are. Rawsss. Again. Best quote from what was released already:
“Me not answering or addressing that situation has nothing to do with my career. I’ve accomplished enough, and I’ve made enough money for me to be good… Yes, it was me in those pictures. But I’ma tell you this. Me taking that job, I was doing my job. You understand what I mean?”
Yep. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. You were just “doing” your job, weren’t you? You gotta love how he goes for the double meaning here. I got a lady at work who’s awesome at that. Anything you say can and will be turned sexual, no matter what you’re saying. We could all be having lunch and I’ll ask her what she’s having. “Pizza. You know I love to eat it!” And then she laughs for a very uncomfortable 15 seconds. That’s what Rawsss is doing, except he’s trying to be hardcore with it and not sexual (thank God). If by doing your job you mean you were showing up and getting a paycheck so you could take care of your basic needs, props. That’s what everyone should do. Now do I believe that Escobar and Noriega wanted Rawsss selling cigarettes and toilet paper to inmates so they could infiltrate the system and get that jail money (We getting’ inmate money!), hell fuckin’ no. Unless you’re getting off loosies and joints, what kind of business can you actually get done in a jail (pardon my ignorance)? Can you just walk through the metal detector and x-ray scanner with a brick of coke under your arm and bags of H falling out your pockets? Are you allowed to sling to inmates before they hit the weights? Or is it more like, ‘Yo, come here, dawg, I can get you that new Axe soap for $5. That shit is minty fresh. I’ll come by later. Have the money ready.”
Rawsss probably always talks like that.
“I’m going outside. I gotta shovel this snow. Ahem, ‘snow.’” – Although on first listen you may think he’s going to push coke on the strip, what he really means is he has to go shovel his driveway before Mom gets home (you know how those storms in the MIA get).
“I move things like this (snap fingers in swift, loud motion)!” – It’s not drugs that are flying out the window but rather calories as Rawsss is a high energy aerobics instructor. Headbands optional, smiles required.
“These packs are hot!” – No, not bricks of coke or anything like that. Rawsss is talking about those new Topps cards that just came out. They’re hot!
“I just gotta flip this real quick then I’ll be back. Know what I mean?” – Rawsss isn’t turning around a kilo around for a quick profit. He’s actually a gymnastics instructor and is currently helping a 5 year-old perfect the somersault.
“I always get it my way.” – This is not a negotiation for a fresh kilo of Coke fresh out of the Port of Miami (shout out to the manatees). He’s actually praising the cashier at the Miami Burger King after they let him order his Whopper with extra pickles.
“I’m a boss.” – Well, actually that statement isn’t really accurate anyway. Technically the assistant to the regional manager is the boss whenever the real manager is away, which is only for the corporate getaway weekend. Since it generally starts on a Friday the assistant to the regional manager only gets to be boss for Thursday afternoon and all day Friday, but most employees don’t even bother showing up anyway. And when they do show up, they come late and leave early (that’s what she said), so that really only counts for half a day of being a boss anyway.
Like I’ve written in the past, none of this would have been that big of a deal if dude had just been honest out the gate. Yeah, it was me. Yeah, I was a CO. I had to pay the bills. Done deal. Okay, so you’re not as real as we all thought but at least you’re willing to be honest now. Instead he thought he could arrogantly deny the fact that it was clearly him in the pics and blame it on that fancy Photoshop trickery. That kinda backfired, huh? Just because you figured out how to Photoshop your past doesn’t mean you can use those same tools on everyone else’s judgment.
The Stop Rapping Award Week 1 winner is:
Rece Steele! Congrats! Your award is in the parking lot!
What surprises me most about this is not the lack of creativity in claiming that she, too, is a Martian but that this video apparently passed through a few people before getting an actual post. It took at least one other person to allow this to be released (assuming that same person filmed and edited it). No red flags were raised? “I’m not your regular dame/I’m insane/So so special like Movado/exercising like Tae-Bo.” It’s a good thing I interviewed Yo-Yo last week or I’d have something to rag on her about here. G’s up, easy!
On that note…
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 2/23/2009
Ricky, take the L while you can still escape with whatever’s left of your dignity. You wanted problems with 50 and the best you could do is a cartoon of three guys having sex in the shower? Very creative. Actually, it’s probably just as creative as anything else Ross has done except for that whole “I sold drugs” story. Wait, he wasn’t the first to do that? Never mind.
If the best you can do to insult somebody is imply that they have sex with other dudes and you’re not in third grade, then you should probably never do anything publicly again. Not even the grocery store. I was feeling the same way Dante in Clerks 2 was feeling when Randal ordered the interspecies erotica sex show. You don’t want to click on anything associated with Ross but you want to see just how low he actually goes. Clicking on it, well, I saw that he has now hit rock bottom. I don’t even think it’s possible to get any lower. Ross wanted this publicity for whatever his new album is but every day 50 releases another one of his new cartoons it’s becoming more and more apparent that he was completely unprepared for this situation.
The desperation that ended up being the main theme of Ross’ G-Unit shower scene reminds me of Steve and Doug Butabi trying to get into the Roxbury. Does Rawsss have a chance in this battle? Yes……….Noooooooooooooo.
I’m not sure what was more disturbing in this year’s dunk contest, Cheryl Miller yelling, “Guys, let’s get it on” or Wilson Chandler getting on his knees for Nate Robinson. Either way, not surprising that Dwight Howard went with the whole Superman thing again or that Lebron said he would enter next year. If Lebron thought he had a chance he would have been in it the last couple of years instead of stuttering into the microphone while using third person. Jimmy thinks that was wack.
Best mass email of the week – a producer “congradulating” himself on some accomplishment. I think it was over a video getting played somewhere. I’m honeslty not even sure. I was just so awestruck by a producer congradulating himself over an accomplishment in a mass email that I didn’t bother to check why the congradulations were in order. I get emails from people “congratulating” other people but I have never received a mass email from somebody “congradulating” himself. I think the idea is so fresh that I am going to incorporate congradulatory emails every time I do something I’m proud of. Coming soon:
Congradulations to 730 for wearing clean clothes…ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congradulations to 730 for not eating instant oatmeal for breakfast, lunch and dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congradulations to 730 for grabbing an extra roll of toilet paper B4 the previous roll ran out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worst job in the world? Diddy’s publicist. How do you do it, Kwasi? Check the latest press release, entirely unedited for your reading debilitation:
“Sean "Diddy" Combs has revealed new details of his sixth LP.1 The album, entitled "LAST TRAIN TO PARIS2,” is slated to arrive on September 22nd. The LP features what Combs describes as electro-hip hop soul funk – welcoming in an unexpected mixture of sight and sound.3 "I'm ushering in a new movement called 'train music',4" says Combs. "LAST TRAIN TO PARIS”5 is Diddy's follow-up to his critically acclaimed 2007 release, “PRESS PLAY6."
"‘LAST TRAIN TO PARIS’ is deeper than any of the other stuff I have ever made7. It’s a profound love story. It’s me with my shades off. It’s the truth." says Combs. Diddy is collaborating with hit-making producers The Dream8, Tricky, The Neptunes, Mario Winans, T-Pain and Rodney Jerkins.
"I've been a businessman for the past two years. It’s time for me to focus on being an artist again9,” explains Combs. “I am going to show the world a new refreshing side of me. Get on or get off!10"
For the past 16 years, Sean “Diddy” Combs has used his artistic vision11 and entrepreneurial drive to capture and express the sentiments of a generation. As a producer and a performer, he not only created a new musical genre of hip-hop soul, but also catapulted the music and style of African-American youth into the American mainstream. Today, as founder and CEO of Bad Boy Worldwide Entertainment Group, Diddy oversees one of the world’s preeminent urban companies, encompassing a broad range of businesses, including recording, music publishing, artist management, television and film production, fashion, and restaurants.
In recent years, Diddy has added Broadway actor, marathon runner, and fragrance producer to his ever-growing list of accomplishments. He was named one of the most influential business people in the world by Time magazine and CNN12.
Having sold 75 million records worldwide13, Diddy has left an indelible mark on pop culture.
How do you do it, Kwasi?
Twitterleague All-Stars Week 5 Standings:
Noreaga – hands down for this post to Alchemist: “Alchemist check ya mail I sent u shampoo for the lice n ya beard!!” Plus I don’t think he likes Koch too much.
The_Real_Shaq – “Kobe is the best, he told me to take the trophy hm for my sons, class act, thanks bro” Shaq’s twits are the best.
TheDoppelgangaz – E Pillz is laying low on his EPBeats twit to focus on building the group and promoting his Kyle Korver 2010 calendar.
AlanTheChemist – Just found him in Twitville. From the looks of his page it looks like he’s going to be dominating the top 5 as long as his 140 character updates take precedence over making beats.
juxxdiamondz – I think Juxx can bring back Shells. Maybe. Plus he’s dope.
Rappers that need to make a comeback:
1) Ax – HHG’s longtime followers will remember songs like “100 to 1” and “Reality Rap” going up a few years ago. We recently posted one of his newer tracks, “School Girl.” The Bronx native is rumored to be signed to Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes and hopefully he has some new music coming soon.
2) Postaboy – I haven’t heard from Posta in about two years. Last I heard he had signed to Ne-Yo’s Compound Records label and was working with longtime cohort Versatile on his Live from the Emergency Room album. Starsky recently had a track with Postaboy featured on HHG but that’s been it from one of my favorite Harlemites.
3) Shells – I had completely forgotten about Shells until I heard him on G.O.D. Pt. III’s G.O.D.’s Advocate mixtape on the Liveson-produced “Get Money.” Shells was never my favorite rapper but he was never my least favorite. He’s kind of like Stephon Marbury – you’re probably better off with him but you can also get by without him. The line that sticks out on “ Shells also had the uncanny ability to insert belief and conviction for even his wackest lines, like “Yeah I got dropped, I was played like Pumas.” Get Money” from Shells – “’05 is coming, now I got the recipe.” I’m hoping he’s got his goods in a crock pot because it’s ’09 and I always found his music to be pretty entertaining.
4) Young Zee – The last I remember of Young Zee is him pulling up to the offices of his old management company in ’05, popping the ‘hood of his convertible, pulling out a case of Coronas and chilling in the parking lot. Hands down the coolest guy in the state of New Jersey. Mr. Porter had told me that he should leak out the music him and Zee did when they were messing with each other back in ’04 but that was over a year ago and there’s been nothing from the high-pitched No idea where he’s been or what he’s been up to but he needs to get back in the Outhouse. Do do do do doooooooooo.
5) Nucci Reyo – Spitting was never Nucci’s problem. Go back and dust off your copy of Welcome to Nucc Jersey and if you never heard that when it first came out, brush up on your history and find a link online. That is a great, great mixtape. Nucc released a few other mixtapes that I never liked as much as Welcome to Nucc Jersey but I’ve always liked what he was doing. Dude is making his comeback now and I’m definitely excited about that.
Congradulations to everyone for reading the entire column even though you just wanted to see who I talked shit about. No…yessssssssssssssssssssssss
1 Did he really record five albums already? Am I already that numb that I’ve blocked out some of the albums already?
11 Term is used looser than a whore in baggy jeans on the moon attached to the spaceship with a roll of dental floss.
12 This is also front page material on CNN.com - http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2009/02/19/cho.model.boot.camp.cnn
13 “If you go platinum, it’s got nothing to do with luck/It just means that million people are stupid as fuck.” – Immortal Technique
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 2/2/2009
Should John Madden preface everything he says with a “no homo”? If I hear him use the word “penetrate” or the phrase “penetrate on both ends” one more time I’ll swear off all things sexual for the rest of my life.
Who’s career is further in the tank, Will Farrell or Jack Black?
Speaking of Super Bowl commercials, saying there’s a diet coke for dudes is like saying guys can hold on to being a guy while carrying an umbrella.
Do you think Rick Ross is preparing his Bruce Springsteen diss when Steve Van Sandt declared it’s “Boss time” during the Super Bowl halftime show?
And quick note to 50 – you get no props for going after Rick Ross. None. What Rick Ross did to himself this past summer is akin to what Plexico Burress did to himself over Thanksgiving weekend. Rawsss took himself out of the game. Getting caught in a lie like that was enough for the fans who care about the music to move on to fatter and less talented artists in the Miami area.
If 50 really wants to get props for being the career ended that he used to be known as, he’d go after both Joe Budden and Saigon. He’s already had problems with Joe Budden from the whole Joe Budden-Game spat and he has a history with Saigon as well. If he’s still got that killer instinct he needs to go after some artists who could actually respond.
And what can Rick Ross really do at this point but, as Bobby Knight said women in the process of being raped should do, “sit back and enjoy it”? A series of Rick Ross diss tracks would be as smooth as Gregg Popovich’s face. If Rick could take any cues from Fat Joe, Ja Rule, Young Buck and all the other artists that took an L against Curtis, it’s that there’s really not a lot he can do because 50 is a) hilarious b) has enough money that he doesn’t need to sell out on tracks c) can drop everything he wants to focus on destroying someone’s career.
Richard Ross lost this one before it even began and the sooner he can admit that to himself the sooner he can begin the recovery process.
Proof Carlos Boozer’s been in Utah too long – him using the word “bling bling” in his Overstock.com commercial.
Remember when Nike commercials used to be good?
Here’s some facts you might not have known prior to the Super Bowl1:
Kurt Warner used to bag groceries
Cardinals head coach used to coach for the Pittsburgh Steelers
Ben Roethlisberger is a young quarterback whose brain is/has already will turn/turned into mush. And he’s going for his second Super Bowl victory.
The halftime interviews are always so entertaining and informative.
Girl with microphone: Coach, your guy just threw an interception for a touchdown. What happened?
Ken Whisenhunt: Well, our guy threw an interception and we couldn’t make the tackle.
Thanks, NBC, for all your hard work and dedication. It’s made me a better fan. Oh yeah, please, whatever you do, keep Matt Millen on your payroll. Not sure why he’s out there in the first place and he really doesn’t add anything to the analysis, but the more you have him out there the more I’m convinced that he has a whole album full of executives’ cranks that he’s holding for ransom. How else could you explain a guy who’s messed up everything he’s touched still getting work? That’s like a prostitute dripping green cottage cheese still picking up johns in the diamond district.
If you listen closely to Jason Whitten’s United Way commercial you can hear Tony Romo ordering two banana daiquiris and an ice cream sundae with two spoons for room service.
Is Anquan Boldin the real-life Rod Tidwell?2
Twitterleague All-Stars Week 4 Standings:
1. EPBeats – E Pillz regained the top spot after a week of planning a Kyle Korver calendar, admitting to watching Jane Fonda tapes for nip slips and an all-around week of debauchery and douchebaggery.
2. JayElectronica – Probabyl the first rapper to twit “her water just broke.” I’m not sure if it’s awesome or horrible that Jay Electronica was busy twittering while his girl gave birth but nevertheless it was entertaining.
3. Crew54 – There’s really no one post that gets them in this spot. They just drop consistnely quality posts that aren’t boring or whiny, which is a rarity on Twitter. For that they’re back in game.
4 and 5 – No one earned it this week. Step ya twits up!
Not so honorable mention this week:
MistahFAB: “I GOT MONEY ON IT..BIG MONEY” I wasn’t really paying attention to the fact that FAB bet on the game until he said it was big money. Then I got really, really interested. Something tells me if FAB came over to my house he’d say something like, ‘Do you have a place for me to park my car? BIG CAR.”
ThaBizness: It’s only fair that FAB’s go-to guy and one of the good guys in the game gets some hate for his hate on one of the Miami Heat’s best draft picks ever, Harold Miner. Don’t hate on Baby Jordan.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 1/21/2009
If Joe Budden or Saigon wanted to really win this childish battle they have going on between them, one of them should drop an album without prefacing it with the word “street” or “mixtape” or “free download.”
Rappers, please stop being so sensitive all the time. If I forgot to post your free download link, don’t assume I’m part of some underground society that rocks cloaks and capes and spends time devising plans to stop your career. Not everyone who doesn’t mess with your music is trying to blackball you. Maybe they just don’t like it.
Is anyone else sick of all these Biggie mixtapes and t-shirts and all that? What’s sick is how many people (with Puff at the top of this crooked pyramid) are trying to eat off one guy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I’m tired of giving rappers ideas and then having them execute them poorly. I guess it’s time to copyright my ideas.
How many more songs are we going to get about Obama? Rappers, I know you’re excited and that’s great but that doesn’t mean you need to make a song every time you’re happy about something. Do you make a song after a girl doesn’t run from you when you stare at her from across the street? Actually you probably do make a song about how you’re a pimp. There’s a lot of things you can be happy about but it doesn’t need to be put into a song. Express yourself in other ways, like talking to yourself.
I think Poison Pen may be close to getting his new journal done. I think. And Littles and Killah Priest are back in the journaling game as well. Even if they don’t drop songs at least they can put a few paragraphs together every now and again.
Someone got shot while going to see Notorious in theaters this weekend (I think I’ll wait ‘til it’s in the dollar box at the grocery store before seeing it). Going to the movies and getting shot can’t be too much fun but you know it’s just what a lot of people wanted to see happen so they could draw the connection between hip-hop and violence and how the two can’t exist without each other. Personally I would be more afraid of bumping into rednecks halfway into the screening of Gran Torino than any kid going to see a movie about a deceased rapper.
The best quote from this unfortunate situation comes from Lt. James Hinson who was on the scene of the North Carolina shooting. He told reporters, "We can’t say whether or not this shooting is in direct relationship to the movie. We just can’t say." How would this be in relationship to the movie? Biggie got shot and the light bulb flickered in the shotee’s head? “Wait a minute, Biggie’s my hero. Biggie got shot. I need to get shot.” That line of thinking already went through the mind of one of the actors in Notorious.
I’m kind of ignorant when it comes to police rankings, mainly because I never had a reason to care. But being a lieutenant seems to be too high of a rank to be making such stupid statements. In another statement, Lt. Hinson reported that his dog had been pooping all over his shag carpet but could not tie his dog’s behavior directly to Marley and Me. Yet.
Bishop Lamont, did you really go Mike Tyson on X.O.’s stomach? Hope dude got a tetanus shot.
My, how far Death Row Records has fallen. The label was recently auctioned off for $18 million. Pretty soon the former heavyweight is going to be up on eBay in between old Marky Mark albums and Mark McGwire rookie cards.
Stumbled across this review of Chief Kamachi and the Juju Mob’s Black Candles. Really it’s more like a 2:30 rambling where the reviewer calls the album “bland” but still recommends that you cop it. Quick memo to Art Beeswax – that’s not my cousin. My singing cousin is probably in Canada right now perfecting his rendition of the Canadian National Anthem for a CFL preseason game.
Twitter All-Stars Week 3 standings
1. REMEMBERMENINAB – Nina B makes a ton of posts on Twitter (6,979 so far to be exact) and as you can guess a lot of it isn’t really that important. However I found this one hilarious and a huge reason to opt out of any emails coming from Digiwaxx. Check her post on January 1: “somebody tell me why did a DIGIWAXX employee send me a picture of his dick ??? its fuckin new years morning and i get an internet teabag ugg”.
2. EPBeats – always solid points but falls a place due to taking time off for the holidays and hanging out with our mutual friend Chedda
3. The_Real_Shaq – Props to Shaq for being honest on the bizarre Eddy Curry situation: “Nypost.com about eddy curry wow, i gotta go to bed on this one, geez”. That’s being nice about it.
4. BDotTM – Dude really, really loves Plies
5. rhettmatic – The legendary Rhettmatic is still fairly new to Twitter but does a solid job making updates and replying fast. This is a slow week and if I was on Twitter more he probably would have had a tougher time making this top 5.
Just did a interview at Hiphopgame.com. I think brian is very good wit his journalism.
he always ask the right questions and it force me 2 deliver the right answers!!!! Big up!!!
Having N.O.R.E. give you props definitely doesn’t suck.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 1/13/2008
First column of the new year and I’m already behind schedule. Wait a minute, I don’t have a schedule. Well, Happy New Years to Stimuli. I will be saying that to him anytime I correspond and you should too. He really loves that.
Every January starts out the same. It’s a year full of promise, a new opportunity to make those changes in your life that you’ve been meaning to make every January but we all know we’ll be back on the same ol’ BS by late January. I can’t knock it though, I do the same thing. However, just because I may only keep my resolutions for a few weeks doesn’t mean I can’t look forward to things like everyone else. Here’s what I want to see happen in ’09.
First MC to leak a track every day – Well, someone needs to do it. They’re a little behind schedule right now but if they pick up the pace it’s entirely possible. Why not? If Freeway can do a song a day, why can’t someone do one every day for a whole year? You thought Crooked I was impressive with his Hip-Hop Weekly? Wait ‘til some unemployed hack with a microphone and Pro Tools puts the West Coast King and the Bearded One to shame. I’m not even sure if it’s possible for one MC to make 365 songs in their career without sounding entirely repetitive, but it’s worth a shot. We may end up with 64 songs about how rough their neighborhood is and 25 songs about how attractive they are to females, but there could be some gems in there like looking through Billy Crystal’s career on film and finding My Giant. Plus if we can get someone to do a track a day for a year, it’s only a matter of time before some MC ups the ante to two songs a day. By 2012 we’ll have a rapper attempting to release a song on the hour for a year. And who said hip-hop was dead?
Soulja Boy stays in the headlines – I really hope this happens. Really. No, I need this to happen. It’s not that I’m particularly interested in what he has to say or his talent, which I think is extremely limited in hip-hop (but he would probably kill it as a door-to-door magazine subscription and vacuum salesboy). What I do love about Soulja Boy though is how riled up he can get myopic hip-hop purists who motivate him to continue expressing his ignorance in such a flamboyant fashion. If he thanked former slavemasters and all he heard was the same silence porn store clerks hear when R. Kelly finds out there’s no children’s section in the store, maybe he wouldn’t say it. If Nas fans didn’t jump through a window when he said Nas killed hip-hop, maybe he wouldn’t say it anymore. I got a puppy back in October and she’s not the most well-behaved dog that ever pooped on a freshly-mowed lawn, but when she’s acting up, ignoring her is what makes her stop. Putting her in her cage or saying in a firm voice to drop that Blackberry only motivates her to run faster, texting N.O.R.E. as she hurdles a pile of laundry (and N.O.R.E. will undoubtedly respond, understanding everything Giant the Superpooping Puppy was telling him). By ignoring her, she thinks she doesn’t have anything valuable in her mouth, drops it and picks up something else that she hopes will get a reaction. Soulja Boy is a lot like Giant. If we don’t pay him any mind, he’ll keep talking for awhile but he’ll eventually wear himself out and before you know it he’ll be curled up on a pillow drooling as he dreams about not being the biggest buffoon to grace hip-hop’s presence. Oops, looks like I just started the cycle again.
VladTV continues to flourish – I love what DJ Vlad is doing with his VladTV and you should to. I don’t know if you all realize that Barack Obama would have never made it to the White House if Vlad didn’t go public with his endorsement and collection of Obama YouTube videos all compiled on one email. Dude changed my mind and I’m pretty sure he changed yours too. The buck didn’t stop there though. Vlad also went to Jersey City to hang out with Ransom, where he got him drunk on some cheap wine and then asked him about Joe Budden’s furniture. Nothing screams journalistic integrity louder than getting your subject drunk on cheap booze, asking them a million questions about his enemy’s furniture and then editing the footage so it’s choppier than a black belt chilling in Jeffery Dahmer’s kitchen. Today Vlad raised the bar again, as he sent out an email stating that he had Mistah F.A.B. in studio and he would be doing audio and video drops at $50 a pop. I was about to Paypal $100 until I got a follow up email from Vlad that went like this: “This was incorrectly sent out by an intern. Mistah Fab does not charge for doing drops.” Always blame the “intern” when your plan backfires. Anyway, I’m staying tuned and you should too. Or not.
Poison Pen makes a journaling comeback – Fatboy P sunk to a new low when he allowed his manager to write an entry for him. Taking time off – acceptable. Letting someone else write in your section – not so much. He’ll have to hit the notebook and bottle hard this year to reclaim his journaling crown that Ron Artest swiped like a Snickers out of a 7-11.
Poison Pen and Charles Barkley getting smashed together – The possibilities are endless like the Ruby Tuesday’s salad bar. Both also end up with a guaranteed sprint to the bathroom as well.
Wale getting a fair shot at Interscope – I can’t say I’m too confident at this point that we’ll hear a Wale album in ’09 but I’m still hopeful until I really have a reason not to be. “Chillin” leaked prematurely but one misstep shouldn’t hold up the whole project, but then again funnier things have happened with Interscope artists.
Cormega releasing Born and Raised – This is one of the only things I really care about happening in hip-hop this year. Yeah, I would love it if Saigon released The Greatest Story Never Told and if Maino released If Tomorrow Comes, but I’m not holding my breath on either one of those coming out in 2009. I am, however, counting on ‘Mega dropping Born and Raised and if it’s half as dope as “Fresh” was then it’s going to be an album that stays in rotation.
Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 12/25/2008
As you all know, there are a ton of rappers that are either on the
come up or desperately desire to be on the come up like a porn star
fornicating in space. As you also know, the come up is hard. Mad hard.
That's what she said.
Over the years I've attempted to give artists advice and throughout
the years, artists have avoided my advice like Skip Bayless avoids
looking at quarterbacks in that kind of way. Artists only get one
first impression, just don't tell that to artists like Cory Gunz and
Grafh who have already had at least five first impressions apiece.
Therefore it's important that you make a solid first impression. How
do I make an awesome first impression? you may ask. Follow some of
these guidelines and see if things don't get a little easier for you.
Guideline #1 – No mp3 is worth protecting. Some of you may have that
disgusted look on your face like most people did when they first
viewed two girls making the best out of one cup (still don't see what
everyone's so grossed out about). Trust me, whatever songs you have
now are NOT worth hanging onto. If you have a surefire banger, you
better release it like you would a shart when you're stuck in an
elevator after unloading your paycheck at your local Taco Bell. If, by
some rare chance, you sign to a major label, whatever songs you have
at the time of your signing are probably not going to go on the album.
What's the point of hanging onto a banger that could get you some run
on websites and mixtapes? Right now no artist can afford to hang onto
a "classic song" because chances are, that song isn't the classic you
think it is and if the song is that good, you're going to need it to
break through because you can't release B-level material and expect to
get on various websites and blogs with some doo-doo you didn't write
because you ain't got time.
This guideline was inspired by a manager who shall remain nameless and
probably will remain nameless as long as she's involved in hip-hop
because she really doesn't know what she's doing and will probably run
whatever artists she touches into the ground. This manager kept on
asking me to post her artist's music. I asked her to please send the
mp3s. When she responded that they were on MySpace, I responded by
asking her again to please send the mp3s. See, this isn't me being a
jerk and getting some sick pleasure out of making people attach mp3s.
Usually my internet browser does not work well with MySpace players
and more importantly, I can't listen to a demo on a MySpace page. I'm
weird like that. I like to have the file and listen to it someplace
where I can't be distracted by a million pop-ups and flashing text.
The manager responds that she won't send the mp3 because she doesn't
know where it will end up but reminds me to go to the MySpace page. At
this point I can see this is going nowhere so I ask one more time to
send the mp3s and she sends me back the exact same message.
Conversation over, opportunity lost. You could have the best mp3 in
the world and no one else could have it. You send it to me. What's the
worst that could happen? It gets on HipHopGame for the world to hear?
I don't run an anonymous email blasting service and even if I did bcc
a bunch of people I didn't know, I probably wouldn't be sending some
unknown artist. I don't know where I got the reputation of being a
diabolical mp3 leaker but this manager was so overprotective of some
songs that she really ruined her artist's chances of ever getting on
And here's a sidenote – if you send me a song and ask me not to leak
it, I'm not going to. If Cormega can trust me with not leaking a song
I'm pretty sure everyone else can too. Bong.
Guideline #2 – Thou shalt not hate on other artists. When you send me
an email saying, "There have been a lot of wack artists posted lately.
Here, post this," tha'ts probably not going to get you posted. If what
we're posting is so terrible, why do you want to be a part of it? You
wouldn't go into a pizza restaurant and tell them, "You guys make some
terrible pizza. Give me two large cheese and one large pepperoni," so
why would you approach me like that? Just because other artists get
posted that you maybe don't like does not mean that they are wack,
that we are wack or that your artist deserves to be posted. If your
artist is good, let the music speak for itself. Tearing down someone
else to make yourself looks better only makes you look worse in the
end. Corny message? Yes. Is it true? Of course.
Guideline #3 – Mixtapes don't matter. Mixtape DJs, do not throw your
mouse at me. Mixtapes are very important. Mixtapes do matter, just not
in the way artists think they do. Mixtapes matter because they're a
great way for me to hear a bunch of big tracks at once. Mixtapes help
break out new artists and expose fans to new music that they shouldn't
be sleeping on (ideally). Unfortunately there are so many mixtapes out
there now done by so many DJs that shouldn't even be allowed to access
the internet that when they play a new artist's song, they're actually
hurting them more than they are helping them. Therefore if you're a
new artist and you're on five new mixtapes in a month, there's a very
good chance that only one of those mixtapes, at most, matter.
Here's another reason mixtapes don't matter when you're trying to get
a song on HipHopGame. A lot of times favors are exchanged with DJs to
play songs. It may not be cash under the table but it can easily be
something that's under the table and beneficial to both parties. The
problem is that there are a bunch of DJs who abide by the strict rules
of hip-hop and only play music they like but, inevitably, there are a
few DJs out there who have no ear for music but they were blessed with
a gift of marketing and being loud. While a more suitable profession
for these idiots would be dressing up in a costume and advertising
some mattress store's going out of business closeout on a busy
highway, they're attempting to make their vocation in hip-hop and we
have to deal with it.
Therefore if you're a new artist and you've been on mixtapes,
congrats. That's important and an accomplishment if it's a mixtape
worth being on. However none of your appearances will make us post a
horrible track. 99% of the industry operates off of half-assed
co-signs and there has to be at least one place in the game where that
BS doesn't matter.
Way more on this to come in the future.
Twitter League Standings Week 2
1. EPBeats – in just a short amount of time E Pillz has dropped some
quality updates ranging from hanging with Chedda at a brothel, Kyle
Korver and copping new Jordan's.
2. tygereye – Dove has been a publicist and freelance writer longer
than I've been in the game and she's damn good at what she does. She's
also pretty dope at Twitter. What earned her the No. 2 spot this week
was her Office game. Why more people aren't up on The Office I have no
3. question210 - Whenever you can successfully chronicle your visit to
Chuck E. Cheese and your name is not R. Kelly or Michael Jackson,
you're going to get some run.
4. crew54 – The Texas homies hate the rap industry and have a sense of
humor about it. That's good enough for this week but they will have to
step their game up if they want to consistently be in this arbitrary
5. THE_REAL_SHAQ – His quality posts have dropped drastically this
past week but I guess being a professional basketball player will do
that to you. My favorite post from The Big Aristotle this week: "Its
so cold in porland the sun just sent me a text, yo shaq ill c u n may
Schwwwwwww". Great save.
donnygoines – Donny makes a lot of posts and a lot of them are pretty
good but he's going to have to have a higher batting average to crack
the top 5.
PumpkinheadBKAC – From dissing Chedda to making Pepsi floats, PH is
pretty adept at this Twitter game so far.
Out of the rankings:
Noreaga – Glad to hear you're losing weight, big homie, but please
talk about more interesting things on Twitter. Hang hang.
BDotTM – Must have been a busy week for BDot or else we were just
Twittering at different times. There's always next week.
PaulCantor – See above.
Worst post of the week – IamMurs – "doing a song about soccer using
the ATCQ chorus. does anyone care?" A soccer song from Murs? Where can
I hit the eject button?
How to enter – hit me up at twitter.com/seven3zero. Follow me. I will
follow you. Once I am following you, I will be getting all of your
updates. If you make strong posts they will be noticed like Tubgirl
shopping for a new bathtub.