Once again I’m feeling bad for having such a delay between columns but I figured you’d all give me a pass every now and again like a narcoleptic ticket-taker. Forgive the lack of words lately. Don’t think I haven’t been pounding the keyboard. The space bar is screaming for help like toddlers trapped in the Neverland Ranch due to a huge research paper I had due to finish up my masters. For the record, I kept the Michael Jackson/R. Kelly/Rick Ross references out of the research paper, although refraining was hella hard like diamonds od’ing on Viagra. I’m hopefully in my last week as a grad student barring any classes I was supposed to take that somehow slipped under my radar, so knock on wood that by next week I’ll have a masters. We’ll see.
Surprisingly enough I’ve been pretty clearheaded listening to music this past week. Nothing’s really gotten me too annoyed. I’ve been bumping some forgotten classics like Masta Ace’s A Long Hot Summer and Lootpack’s Soundpieces while still finding time for the beautiful ignorance that is Uncle Murder and Max B.
What has gotten to me this week is the media’s handling of Plexico Burress’ unfortunate and totally preventable situation. All of a sudden a dude is the worst thing to happen to New York since Maino getting out of jail. Is he a bad guy? I don’t think so. Is he the sharpest tool in the shed? Not likely. The dude was carrying a gun that was not registered and Cheddar Bob’d himself. That is not a bad dude. That is a careless dude. Put the piece on safety, fill out a registration card for it and all would be good, my friend (cue John McCain voice).
This is not a guy who went Diddy on a club. This is a guy who popped himself for no reason. At least if Herschel Walker shot himself you’d figure he was probably having a heated argument with himself. ESPN and writers are all saying, “This is a troubled guy and the path that he was on was leading to a disaster like this.” What path that anyone’s on leads to them accidentally shooting themselves? How can I make sure I’m not on that path because if I am I’ll need to eject faster than a pilot hearing Rosie joining the mile-high club.
There can not be any warning signs to someone accidentally shooting himself except for the following:
lights fireworks and sees how long he can hold in hand before they explode
juggles machetes
wrestles crocodiles
considers Uncle Murder his role model
If you do none or even one of the following, I’d say you were doing okay and aren’t at risk. If you have two or more of the following warning signs, you might want to get some help.
What’s really troubling about this situation is Plex’s agent Drew Rosenhaus. He’s always there for the big interviews. How can we forget his candid “next question” Q&A over T.O? He’s easily making more than a million off Plexico. Why hasn’t he taken the proper steps to ensure that his guy has no red flags. If he’s got an unregistered gun, help him register it. Tell him that he’s got to register a gun in New York even if he thought it was registered in Florida. Tell him that it’s not like a driver’s license. Tell him to hire an off-duty or retired cop to be his bodyguard if he’s going out for a night on the town so he doesn’t even have to worry about carrying a gun on his person. Take care of your guy. There are a lot of spoiled athletes who do not know how to do anything for themselves because they’ve never had to. If you’ve never had to cook a meal before you’re going to be in tough shape once you run out of milk like Craig in Friday. If you know your guy does not have the life skills necessary to surviving in the real world then give him the skills. Teach him how to pour his own milk so situations like this don’t happen. It’s a win-win situation – you’re teaching a guy how to take care of himself while protecting your investment. Next question.
Then there’s Sean Avery. The Dallas Star center had this to say about the Flames’ Jarome Iginla dating his former girlfriend Kim Bauer aka Elisha Cuthbert: “I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."
Avery was given a six game suspension for comments that were detrimental to the game of hockey and was forced to undergo counseling. Detrimental to the game of hockey? This is the only thing to happen in hockey in the last year to really get me interested in watching a game again. Granted my hockey-watching hours have dropped drastically ever since they lost their deal with ESPN. When it was on I would watch it for awhile but if it’s not on a channel I keep on, I’m not seeking it out. Avery’s comments actually had me hitting that annoying TV guide channel with the scrolling channels and terrible informercials.
His comments on “sloppy seconds” made a lot of the executives uncomfortable but all he did was say something that every guy (and probably every female) has ever though whenver they’ve seen their ex with someone else. Six game suspension for that? Avery probably would have been better off going after someone with his skate a la Happy Gilmore.
Former great and current Dallas Stars co-general manager (great title) Brett Hull had this to say: “We have to fix him. There were a lot of words thrown out -- anger management, depression. He's going to use this time to figure things out.”
Fix him? Depression? Anger management? If Sean Avery is sending out death threats to Kiefer Sutherland and stalking Elisha like she’s the girl next door, then you could probably say that Sean Avery has some issues over that. But take a look at the rest of the dude’s life. He’s always been a loose cannon and a lot of players have a right to hate him for how he plays the game but not for those comments. You can’t hate someone for saying what you would say if you weren’t more concerned with your reputation and endorsements (and using the words “hockey player” and “endorsements” does not really work unless we’re talking about the local IHOP or used car lot).
Perhaps the worst take on this situation I heard was from one of those losers on ESPN’s Around the Horn. Yes, I actually saw an episode from front to back when I was assembling my terrific posterboard on special ed collaboration. One of the windbags made a comment that if the Dallas Stars didn’t do something drastic to Avery then they would risk losing their female population. First off, does hockey even have a female population or is it really a few girls that are dragged into an arena because their husband/boyfriend couldn’t find any of his buddies to go with? I’m sure there are some diehard female hockey fans out there but consider this – if they’re a diehard hockey fan, chances are they are very cool. If they are that cool, they have probably made the “sloppy seconds” comment dozens of times. Lighten up, Bettman. I want to care about hockey again.
Now I gotta hit up Blockbuster for Porky’s. Thank you, Sean Avery.
05/13 - 
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