Remember when artists actually had to do something newsworthy to get news written about them?
Game beat Bow Wow at Madden. Someone, anyone, please tell me real quick what it is that Bow Wow is supposedly so good at. I don’t get it. The music’s not there. Has anyone ever paid attention to his acting? I can’t name one song he did. What exactly is it that Bow Wow is famous for other than getting into catfights with that R&B singer he toured with? I would say the dude’s name but I forgot that the same way LaRon Landry would like to forget Brandon Jacobs’. See, with Bow Wow, I always figured there had to be something he was good at that the general public had no idea about because something had to justify him still getting his stories posted on C-list blogs. And now that he’s been exposed as a sucker at Madden, I’m not sure if Bow Wow really does have any talents. Fingerpainting, maybe?
Speaking of fingerpainting, how ‘bout the new LL album Exit 13? I already know what a lot of you are going to say – LL’s a legend, come on! Exit 13 is not even a 2-star album. LL will always be a legend but that doesn’t mean that everything he does is legendary. The album doesn’t even qualify as subpar but too often artists who are a shell of their former selves are allowed to slip through the hip-hop cracks because they have loyal fans who will defend their credibility to the death while never buying one of their albums because deep down, they know they’ve fallen off but it hurts too much for them to admit it. Your pillow to cry on is in the mail.
I listened to Exit 13 because I was hoping that this was an LL album that you could play again and not get suspicious looks from other drivers you’re sharing the road with. Plus before you say something’s good or bad, it’s good to actually listen to it so you know what you’re talking about. Back to Exit 13. It’s not happening with this album. Check out some of the all-time lows LL sinks to (there’s more, I just didn’t want to type them all out, if you want to hear them all, you know what to do):
“She stole my heart like a horny crook.” – “Baby”
“While her mama played bingo she ride mandingo.” – “Baby”
“If I was a dread I’d smoke for ya, girl” – “Like A Radio”
And the one that takes the cake like a hungry crook:
“You go, girl, you make me wanna holla/I’ll take George off and put your boobs on the dollar!” – “American Girl”
If the boobs are good for the dollar bill, what female body part is going on the $5? The $20? The $100? Is LL going to invent a $1000 bill for other parts?
Bank Teller: “Excuse me, sir, would you like small bills or large bills?”
LL: “Give me a few boobs, one butt and five left elbows.”
LL, I’m pretty sure Obama and McCain do not want you hitting their Blackberry’s with advice on how to boost the economy or anything else. If either candidate wishes to seduce one of his followers or his wife (if that’s still in style), using the line, “While your mama plays bingo you can ride mandingo” will probably not work and if it does work, I do not want to see the female that line works on because that means you could alternately have said “My remote ran out of batteries and I have fresh yogurt in the fridge” and yielded the same results.
And to answer your question before you ask it, no, giving the boobs on a dollar bill a boob job will not increase the value of the American dollar. But that’s a great question, boob! I really like how you are trying to “stimulate” the economy! Thanks!
What does not suck is Heltah Skeltah’s new album D.I.R.T. What really does not suck is my interview with Heltah Skeltah about their new album D.I.R.T.
Underground artists, you continue to make me scratch my head. This doesn’t apply to all or even some up-and-coming artists, just the few boneheads that haven’t really figured out the game yet. Don’t hit me up asking for a review or an interview and then tell me to cop the album on iTunes. The game just doesn’t work like that. I know at your high school or job you may be really cool because you figured out you can use your Warcraft microphone for documenting your life’s struggles and then have a few people buy it solely for the novelty they thought it was cool they saw someone they knew on iTunes but that mentality does not work on jaded journalists who have come across more shit than a Holiday Inn maid cleaning the internationally-touring Tubgirl’s room and more specifically, her tub. Or maybe that’s her “practice tub.”
To all the Cartmanesque Warcraft playing rappers out there, do not ask me for an interview and then tell me the only way I can hear your music is buying it on iTunes or driving out to New York to see one of your shows. So let me get this straight – I can buy a ticket for your show, get into the show and watch you mumble through your songs only to buy an album so I can listen to you mumble through your songs whenever I’m in the mood for it, which you assume to be always, and then I can interview you to talk about your mumblings and how significant your mumblings are not only in hip-hop history but in the history of mankind. Some of you artists have to stop asking why no one cares about you and look in the mirror to figure out why your career has moved at the same pace as the L.A. industry exec that puts on his cutoffs (word to Tobias Funke) and goes rollerblading through the Venice Beach sand while listening to his latest abomination to humanity.
Here’s some free career advice. You need to send your CD out to media outlets in order to let them hear it. If they like it you may be asked to do an interview. If you do an interview, many people will read it. Of the many people that read your interview, some may be inclined to purchase your album. If those people are inclined to purchase your album after reading your interview, you will make a lot more money than you would have telling every writer to go to iTunes if they want to hear your album. Artists, you must help yourselves before you can expect anyone to want to help you.
Is it just me or is Tony Yayo stepping his game up? Maybe it’s just me.
On another note, props to the homie DJ RushHour for getting married. This means he’ll have to retire his world-famous pickup line of “Hey, ma.” Sorry to have to break the news to you, ladies. And although Game may have bragging rights over Bow Wow right now on Madden but until he beats RushHour with the Redskins, all the bragging rights in the world can only amount to the talent of Yung Berg.
You know how people always justify getting dissed by saying, “Oh, that person’s only saying that because they’re a real fan.” Sorry, Berg and Bow Wow, that doesn’t really fly here. In LL’s case, yes, I’m a fan of his. Am I a fan of his new monstrosity? Nope.
Should you be a fan of LL’s Exit 13? That’s your decision. Do you want to analyze Bow Wow’s play-calling decisions? That’s up to you. Do you want to send your album to HHG? That’s between you and your post office. I, however, just got an email about Young Jeezy sneezing and now there’s a rush to find out what kind of tissues he prefers. Back to my Madden franchise.