Where to begin? This is one of those columns that I meant to write many times but never actually did. Because of this a lot of material piled up and now I have to get it all out like Tubgirl in a Motel 6 after a bank-breaking late night Taco Bell run.
Did anyone else see Nas on The Colbert Report? Chances are they only wanted Nas on because he was dissing Fox (by the way, if Fox is feeding us toxins as Nasir says, what the hell has BET and MTV been feeding us this whole damn time?) and Bill O’Reilly. When Stephen Colbert asked Nas the most important question of the interview, What makes Bill O’Reilly racist?, Nas replied with the brain-busting, “It’s obvious.” Really, it’s that simple? Yeah, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I mean, just look at it. It is what it is. That’s what it is. It’s clear as day. Don’t cry over spilt milk. It is what it is. That’s just the way it goes. It’s so obvious. How can you not see it? Are you a racist too? You must be a racist too because it’s so super-obvious that even a blind dude wearing Young Jeezy’s sunglasses in Alaska during the wintertime playing peekaboo with a polar bear could see it. And damn it if that polar bear is racist. Nas will tell me if he is.
Come on, Nas. You stage this whole big protest to Bill O’Reilly the same time your album comes out and that’s all you can say to that? “It’s obvious”? The only thing obvious is that you’re looking for something to complain about and Fox was a big enough target where you could get some free media attention. Honestly, what ever came of that protest? Did Nas ever stage another protest or follow up on that one? No, because he was done promoting one of his most confused albums to date. Bill said Nas was using him to promote his album and, hip-hop fans, whether you want to admit it or not, Bill was right.
Nas, the next time you’re on a national show like The Colbert Report and they’re asking you questions that you want to be asked, do your homework and try to give intelligent answers. Don’t assume that everyone sees Bill O’Reilly as a racist. And a lot of people see him as a racist just because other people have said he is without watching his show. I’m not saying you have to like Bill O’Reilly or respect his journalism because I’m not a personal fan of his. But if you’re going to make racist claims against him and talk about how bad he is, you have to give concrete examples as to why you feel that way and why you’re not completely off-base with your accusations. O’Reilly preys on rappers who accuse him of various things without having any evidence or facts to back up their claims. He gets off on that. O’Reilly was probably watching Nas stumble through that interview with those three girls that were swimming in the pool in that Tom Cruise movie with the ping pong balls and the seeing-into-the-future stuff listening to some techno-banjo compilations.
Rappers, if you have a national platform to talk about what you want to talk about, come prepared and do your homework. Rappers are idiots.
Does anyone remember Rick Ross’ “Speedin’” video? Remember at the end how he gets pulled over by a cop? Now we know why he got off. It had nothing to do with offering the cop a Rolex. This is what really went down in that exchange:
Ross: Hey, Bernard, how are you, man?
Bernard: Good, man. I haven’t seen you since that Nightstick 101 training a few years ago.
Ross: Yeah. That was a pretty useful seminar, wasn’t it? Remember what they did to that one guy who asked to get lunch early? Boy, I didn’t know you could use a nightstick for that.
Bernard: Yeah, that sure was somethin’. Hey, who’s the new guy?
Ross: Oh, that’s Khaled. Some say Khaleed. He’s in on it.
Bernard: You sure?
Khaled: We the best!
Bernard: Nice to meet you, I guess.
Khaled: We the best!
Bernard: Anyway, you still got that Rolex you jacked from that one drug dealer your first day on the job?
Ross: It’s right here! Bawwssss!
Bernard: You da man.
Ross: No, you da man! (Ross speeds off with Khaled hanging his head out the window and screaming at a minivan full of kids “We the best” while foam gathers around the corners of his mouth).
Young Jeezy is apparently supporting Barack Obama. Why anyone would care what political party Young Jeezy supports I have no idea. If only he’d tell me what cereal he eats so I can go cop it in bulk. If Jeezy eats Cap’n Crunch, by golly I’m about to get it crackin’ with the Cap’n.
Does anyone else notice how XXL is going R&B? If you’re Lil’ Wayne or affiliated with 50 Cent you got a decent chance to get some decent coverage. Otherwise you better be a cornball singer under a label that cops mad ads. Good luck!
Speaking of mags that are falling off, I was reading the new Vibe with Jay on their cover. Vibe’s celebrating their 15th anniversary, which is incredibly impressive in a music industry where loyalty is valued as much as herpes on a video chick. On one page they have a whiteboard where rappers congratulate Vibe on their longevity. One interesting signature is Yung Berg’s, who writes “15th B-day, Yung Berg.” Berg’s friends and family must love getting cards from him. It’s Mom’s birthday? Berg writes, “Birthday, Yung Berg.” It’s Christmas? “Christmas, Yung Berg.” Someone dies and Yung Berg wants to send his condolences? “Death, Yung Berg.” A longtime friend goes to the bing for selling some things that only the government wants to regulate? “Jail, Yung Berg.” Way to really extend yourself, Berg. Way to put that effort in. Are you telling me “Happy 15th birthday” was too much for you to write? Just because you don’t write rhymes (and if you do write your own rhymes, please don’t admit to that) does not mean you can get by with not writing on cards. I’m just waiting for all these new ringtone rappers to prove to me that they’re not as dumb as they want to come across. So far no one is doing that.
Proof Def Jam is sinking: They signed a new all-girl group who’s lead single is “Drank in my Cup”. I can almost guarantee that their album will have a song about going to the club, being promiscuous and how women should not let men disrespect them. It’s gonna be great!
What else is gonna be great (or not-so-great, depending on whether or not you have a brain) is the geriatric Lou Holtz doing his “pregame speeches” on ESPN’s College Gameday. Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to put that old man in front of the camera and deliver the pep talk he thinks a certain coach should give to his team.
Anyway, there will not be a huge layover between this column and the next and you know you’re already looking forward to it the same way Tubgirl is already looking forward to that McDonald’s breakfast because who doesn’t want to get the same Egg McMuffin on their face twice?