Being in Jersey is great. It’s got to be the only place in the world where it’s not only acceptable but expected to rock Utah Jazz replica jerseys and blast The Slim Shady LP out of your ’95 Jeep if you’re anywhere within a 10 mile radius from the health hazards that are New Jersey beaches.
After being here off and on for the past nine years, I’m convinced the beaches have an unwritten policy that anyone over 65 with a body fat percentage higher than Chipper Jones’ batting average must disrobe fully before entering the beach. If you ever, by some misfortune, find yourself on a beach in New Jersey and you’re not in Belmar, don’t wear sunglasses. You’ll actually want the sun to blind you.
Props to Ricky Rawwwwssss for being the bawwwwsssss in jail. And no, I don’t mean by running the cigarette or soap trade. C.O. Ross was running things from the outside. Doesn’t the bushy beard and oversized sunglasses make a lot more sense now? Honestly, if dude had just come out in the beginning and said, “Yeah, I was a C.O. for some time. I had to put food on my plate and keep the lights on,” no one woulda been that mad. Sure, there are a lot of bad C.O.’s out there just like there are a lot of bad policeman, but it’s ignorant to think that all C.O’s are bad and that all policeman are bad. If Ross was a good C.O. that made a difference in people’s lives, why would he want to cover that up. Now if he was selling inmates toothpaste for their entire commissary and not letting them dig holes to escape a la Prison Break and Escape from Alcatraz, then yeah, you could say he wasn’t the best C.O. ever.
If I were Rick Ross, I would use the C.O. thing to my advantage. Since it’s a cardinal sin in hip-hop to have any type of job where you have legal responsibilities, he could have flipped it like, “Hey, look how down and out I was. I was actually earning a legal salary, paying my taxes and serving the community. Can you imagine how bad I was doing? The mere fact that I was able to walk away from a job that has a real purpose in life in order to spin drug dealing wet dreams is a triumph in and of itself. Clap at me like a round of applause!” Rap fans have shorter memories than little people with Alzheimer’s. All would have been forgiven.
Ross’ explanation is classic. The boss uses the word “online hackers” like it’s some high-tech secret weapon mission that required millions of encrypted binary code passwords. Ross also says that the “online hackers,” as opposed to “offline hackers,” put his “face when I was a teenager in high school on other peoples’ body.” First off, Rick, just because you’re a little bigger than the average person does not qualify your one head to be placed on two or more human bodies. One head, one body. That’s kind of been the rule for awhile now.
The boss continues to plead his case by saying, “If this shit was real don’t you think they would have more specifics, like dates and everything?” Appointed in December of ’95, left in June of ’97, same social security numbers…Yep, there do seem to be some specifics there.
Ross continues: “Fake pictures are created by the fake, meant to entertain the fake.” Also, fake rap stories are created by fake rappers, meant to entertain unwitting fans who have neither the time nor research to verify if every dimebag sold in the park was actually a dimebag sold in the park and not a hot dog sold at a hot dog stand in the park.
As fans, we should not care what rappers did before they became rappers. If a rapper was a cop, that’s not a big deal so long as he wasn’t one of the racist cops that consistently cause trouble and somehow avoid the front page of the paper. If said theoretical rapper was a good cop that chased away the bad guys and kept the good people safe at night then how is any rapper going to be able to say that the cop rapper is a punk with no credibility? Rick Ross being a former C.O. is not wack. Rick Ross lying about it and then getting exposed is.
“Every day he’s lying to use. Every day, every day he’s lying to us. Lie real hard. Lie, lie real hard.”
Doesn’t his collaboration with fellow liar R. Kelly make a whole lot more sense now? Rick, even though you kind of got exposed, pull an Andrew Pettitte. He lied, got caught, ‘fessed up and everyone loved him. Of course how could anyone have hated Andy when he’s standing next to Roger Clemons, known for dancing with snakes around his neck at parties and trying to get freaky with then-teenager Mindy McCready? Apologize, make another song with the Runners and get bigger sunglasses. If fans are willing to make Lil’ Wayne platinum I can guarantee they’ll be willing to forgive you.
And just to clarify things so this issue never comes up. I was never a corrections officer. There will be no pictures of me surfacing as a corrections officer unless online hackers put me on other bodies. So if you see a disproportionate picture of me with four arms and four legs, do not be alarmed. Just know that the online hackers were too strong for me to fight.
Lil’ Scrappy is doing okay after being arrested and stabbed after a fight with his sister’s boyfriend. The rapper has now been released from custody. If anything, it’s safe to say the judge is not a fan of hip-hop or he would have at least forbid Scrappy from stepping anywhere near a microphone. And they say the justice system is supposed to work for the good of the people…
Dre says Detox might be coming out at the end of the year. Uh huh. And Tubgirl is performing at RushHour’s bachelor’s party (she would be if I had any say in the matter). Dre also added, “All I want to do is sit in the studio with that person for a year and try to create another masterpiece." I wonder if Joell is thinking he jumped ship just a little too early right about now.
And now for something I’ve never really done before in a column. Drumroll, please. Ehh, I woulda settled for a Fruity Loops sample beat drum loop but hey, you can’t always get what you want. Don’t believe me? Just ask Jay-Z after he wasn’t able to jedi mind trick fans into believing he didn’t lose a step in retirement.
Anyway, I was going through my inbox, downloading old mp3s and I thought to myself, who wouldn’t want to read my rambling, incoherent thoughts on a few songs that may or may not see the light of day on HHG? If your answer is “nobody,” this is the part where you navigate away from this page and go back to reading your guide to becoming the most successful ice cream man in your village without looking like a creepy perv trying to lure kids to your 1970 van with a mini-fridge fronting as a freezer. What are you waiting for? Your village and R. Kelly are depending on you. Go! Go!
Anyway, like the two girls with one cup said, “Here we go!”
Jojo Pellegrino – The Top – ‘Bout time JJP came out with something new. South Shore’s finest documents his struggles and doesn’t threaten to sue me like he has in the past, so I’d have to say this track is a winner. Besides, like I’ve said before, I have 100% trust and faith in Marks and Harrison representing me in any legal matters.
Jojo Pellegrino – Spit – Phenom from Mental Instruments blessed JJP with a dramatic, eerie track that builds as Jojo Pellegrino, a saliva-friendly MC, talks about how much he spits. Kind of reminds me of Craig G’s track about how he’ll battle you when you’re shopping for groceries off This Is Now. This track also conjures up memories of Roberto Alomar I think it’s “Ready Set Begin” but I can’t find that album right now. Oh yeah, and no threat of a lawsuit for 730 in this song either. Thanks, buddy!
At least Toronto still remembers good ol’ Robbie Alomar:
Fes Taylor – HipHopGame Freestyle – Fes went in on this one and got some good feedback. Not enough listens on the Audio Page but once Fes drops some more original tracks he should be good.
Memphis Bleek – Ain’t Gangster – Memph says he’s a grown man and says “ain’t nothing changed with the Roc, we’re still doing it.” Uh huh.
Reks – HipHopGame Freestyle – I think Statik Selktah has found the first studio that charges by the minute. The freestyle clocks in at 40 seconds including the time Reks spent shouting out his album Grey Hairs dropping on Tuesday. Rocking a Dilla beat for eight bars is like buying a hot dog at a ballgame, thinking about putting ketchup on that bad boy and then depositing it into the nearest waste receptacle. Lucky for Reks, his album is not 40 seconds long and it’s actually good, so we’ll let this one slide.
Big Lou – Harsh Reality – What’s great about Lou is that he’s been dropping some heartfelt tracks for free, which not many artists are doing right now. The flipside to that is whenever Big Lou emails me I’m mentally preparing myself for depression. Lou, please, mix in something that doesn’t have me going Adam Morrison in my living room.
F.I.G.S. – F.I.G.S. – You may remember F.I.G.S. as a former Demo of the Month winner. Here the dude is brash enough to name the track after himself and pull it off. I have no idea where homie is from but his manager randomly sent me some new tracks. The only thing holding this track somewhat is that it uses the same sample as Immortal Technique’s “Crossing the Boundary”. However the similarities stop there as F.I.G.S. neither shouts out BangBus.com nor does he mention Martha Stewart giving him stock tips. “And underground labels know that I don’t trust you…”
Unless you want me to write anything else right now, I’m off to rub sunscreen on my face like Jeff Hornacek shooting a free throw and throw dem ‘bows like Stockton setting a pick for anyone who thinks they’re going to cut me in line for that last corn dog.
05/13 - 
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