Props to Uncle Murder for getting arrested with a fake ID. What did his ID say to tip authorities off? Uncle McLovin? Come on, Murder, you say you got away with murking half of New York City and you're going to get stopped by airport police in L.A? That's very, very, very disappointing. What's next, Murder? Are you going to tell me Santa Claus doesn't exist?
And a quick sidenote - how terrified do you think the cop must have been to stop the violent uncle (probably the only time the cop was ever wishing he was questioning Uncle Murder's brother Uncle Creepy aka Uncle That Never Gets To Babysit Despite Repeated Pleas)?
Airport cop: "Um, excuse me, Mr. Murder?"
Uncle Murder: "East New Yawwwwk!"
Airport cop: "Can I please see that ID again?"
Uncle Murder: "You can run but can't hide from the bullet, bullet!"
Airport cop: "Yeah, um, you don't look like a 60 year-old white woman."
Uncle Murder: "I got my finger on my luggage, you're gonna check it, check it."
Airport cop: "Can you please step to the side for a moment?"
Uncle Murder: "The first time I flew on a plane it made me vomit. I threw up!"
Airport cop: "I'm sorry to hear that, but I don't know if you're going to get on any planes today."
Uncle Murder: "My 4-5th always loaded, man, wherever I go, I tote it, tote it."
Airport cop: "I need backup, backup, ASAP, ASAP."
If you've never heard "Bullet Bullet", this probably isn't very funny to you. And if you've never heard "Bullet Bullet", well, I just feel sorry for you.
Freck Billionaire may be out of jail right now, but something tells me that's not going to last. Prior to his recent arrest for selling crack, Freck hit HipHopgame with this gem:
"I’m a real risk-taker and a lot of times when you put yourself on the line, it’s going to be hit or miss. A lot of times I hit but a lot of times I missed. We could talk about the 19 times I missed or the 119 times I hit."
Now that's 20 times you missed, and if you haven't gotten the message to stop committing crimes by that point, I don't think you ever will. What would your dentist say if he just drilled 19 cavities in your mouth and you told him you were going to stop treating Coke like Scope and mix in a toothbrush every couple of weeks? I'm sure he's really going to believe you. If CSI and Cops have not convinced you to never commit another crime, I don't know what will.
And I'm sure a lot of you get why CSI is a major crime deterrent. Those guys can find DNA on just about anything and nonviolently force a confession out of you in under an hour.
But why would anyone ever say Cops can stop people from committing crimes? Every episode I've ever seen of Cops, and I've seen a lot of them, involve some fat cop in a small town driving with a cameraman who places himself in a lot of danger with very little payoff. Usually said fat cop is reminiscing about what a badass he is. "Yeah, so this one time, I chased the high school football team down and shot their quarterback for ding-dong ditching me. He's in a wheelchair now. Hahahaha, the good ol' days!" Then a mysterious call comes across the radio where fat cop has to hightail it to some house/trailer park/hotel to find the bad guy. The cop, no matter how out of shape and unskilled he is, always manages to find the bad guy, whether he's hiding in a trash can (that criminal got too much Sesame Street as a kid) or he's behind the shower curtain with his eyes closed and the bloody weapon and/or drugs at his feet (the whole "if I can't see them they can't see me" thing rarely works). Sometimes a chase ensues until the cop or police dog force the alleged offender into the fetal position, and then the cop walks the suspect back to his car prouder than Michael Jackson after slipping Bubbles a mickey.
The bottom line is that I've never seen the cop lose on Cops. Sure, they probably have a 15% success rate of actually catching the bad guy, but we don't know that. Even if I do have an 85% chance of never getting caught by an underskilled cop, there is no way I'm going to take my chances and be in the 15% that somehow gets tracked down by Farva or someone of equal or even less ineptitude.
And as far as Freck's manager saying that Freck is the best artist out "bar for bar," well, that's his job to say that. If he didn't say that, he wouldn't be a very good manager because a manager's job is to brainwash everyone on the same juice he's been brainwashed on. That being said, Freck better drop something that's going to back it up.
I wrote awhile ago on Bloodraw's single "Louis Bag" and it wasn't very positive. I guess I just didn't see the value in a song featuring dudes rapping about man-purses. Silly me. Anyway, the video is now out.
This video is everything and nothing like I expected it to be. I did expect to see dudes carrying Louis bags around and still trying to look tough. I did not expect to see Young Jeezy go the length of the video without even touching a Louis bag. How can Young Jeezy possibly support his artist and expect him to do well if he's not willing to embrace his wackness in its entirety? Jeezy, don't tell me you're too cool to not rock a designer backpack. Do you know how many girls would probably love to have a bag like that?
I just want to know who's really down with me for my new single "Fanny Pack"? "Hungry for a cookie? Yeah it's in my fanny pack! Where's my bike lock? It's in my fanny pack. Where's my compass? It's in my fanny pack. What about my juicebox? It's in my fanny pack. Wanna trade baseball cards? They're in my fanny pack. Play D and D, it's in my fanny pack. Need some Clearasil? It's in my fanny pack. Wanna see my self respect and dignity? It's in my fanny pack."
I really hope that the story about Papoose trying to bust Remy Ma out of prison is fake. How exactly was that going to work once she got her cuffs off? I have a very tough time believing that Mr. Law Library would really believe that he could sneak a key to Remy and break her out of Rikers. If it was that easy, wouldn't 50 have already done that for P? Oh, maybe not. If the story about Pap trying to help Remy go Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz is true, I'll have no choice but to refer to him as Papael Scofield in the future.
I guess no more Prison Break nights for Streetsweepers.
Police are investigating a series of fires in Florida where arson is suspected. I think I'm going to save them some time because I think I know what happened. It's just a simple case of a few residents were getting crunk to Rick Ross' Trilla, which I'm sure they can tell you is fire.
Speaking of Rawwss, did you see the new cover of XXL featuring a topless Bawwssss? I'm not sure if anyone realizes the magnitude of this cover, but it's pretty big. Depending on how much you've been to the beach, chances are you've seen at least one hefty man or woman just letting it all hang out. The thing is, usually they're all 60+, because I think when you get to that age, you don't just don't care how you look. By the time you hit 60, you realize that it's just not worth it to swim in the ocean with your shirt on when it's 90 degrees. Ross is at the 60 year-old phase of his life already, so either he's a lot older than he's telling us, or he's about to set a new trend. Props to the Bawwsss, I guess, for constantly being an innovator.
I think Killah Priest's new album Behind the Stained Glass is much better than The Offering and I really liked The Offering when it dropped. Behind the Stained Glass is much more consistent and doesn't feature any big guest appearances, which is a plus. KP shouldn't have to collaborate with Nas or Immortal Technique to get people to listen.
Where did Bossman go?
As much as I can't stand the Red Sox, here's something I couldn't help including in the column:
From now on, whenever I write a column, someone will be getting high-fived whether they like it or not.