I’m pretty sure when Biggie said, “Beef is when you can’t sleep,” he didn’t mean you couldn’t sleep because you would be up all night trying to make a magazine cover that claims Benzino and Mrs. Fat Joe were getting it on or trying to airbrush Tony Yayo’s lips red and make it look like he has a tattoo that says “I love jail.”
Rappers are going to have problems with each other and no matter how many times wanna-be peacemakers ask them to stop the violence, it’s not going to happen. How many DJs have filled time on their shows that they have no control over asking artists to keep the peace before playing whatever “exclusive” diss record was delivered to them or before allowing one of the artists to come on the air and say bad things about the other artist, who is not in a position to defend himself and may not even be given a chance to defend himself. One thing you’ll never hear out of me is asking everyone to get along. It’s not going to happen and even if it ever did, think of how boring everything would be.
So anyway, the Fat Joe/50 Cent beef has hit an all-time low. First 50 made a very bootleg video in a terrible attempt to drive fans to his knockoff MySpace site (the minute 50 stops being the webmaster/sole provider of content over there, watch the hits plummet). In the video, 50 showcases his acting ability as he cries crocodile tears at Fat Joe’s funeral. Why is Fat Joe having a funeral? Because his album didn’t even sell 50,000 units. I thought at the very least if 50 Cent was going to have a Fat Joe funeral that he would have made the casket three times the normal width, because, you know, Fat Joe is fat and that was the basis for 50’s entire mixtape dedicated to Fat Joe, creatively titled The Elephant in the Sand.
In the video, 50 Cent also claims that he got 700,000 downloads off the free mixtape. Unfortunately, what 50 doesn’t have access to is the 699,999 recycle bins that the mixtape ended up in once everyone unzipped the file only to be more disturbed than Rosie unzipping her jeans which can also serve as a shelter for a nomadic family of 10. The mixtape was terrible, but more terrible was the fact that 50 Cent and whoever is on his team now actually took the time to make a mixtape to another rapper. A song or two would have been okay, but to do a whole mixtape? Who’s really obsessed with who?
The funny thing about this whole situation is that 50 Cent is trying to do to Fat Joe what he did to Ja Rule, which is essentially ruin his career. However, 50 needn’t worry. All he has to do is step back and watch Fat Joe Ja Rule himself. Fat Joe is making enough moves on his own to make a lot of fans stop messing with him, so all 50 has to do is step back and watch. Yeah, I know, that would never happen.
I was hoping that after 50’s bootleg video of a funeral that had the entertainment value of a John Clayton dinner party that this whole thing would be over. How wrong I was.
I also never thought I would see the day when 50 Cent stopped being hilarious. Stop trying so hard, please.
Now it’s looking like the group Kill All Rats, who may double as exterminators in the NY area if you have a problem, are dedicating an entire mixtape to G-Unit, or as they refer to them – “Gay-Unit.”
I got the email of the cover yesterday. The cover features a shirtless, lipsticked (no, it’s not Alex Rodriguez) Tony Yayo gently massaging 50’s chest while Lloyd Banks menacingly stares at the camera, letting his tattoo of 50 Cent and the word “Delicious” do all the talking for him. Oh yeah, and Yayo’s got a tattoo that reads “I love jail.” I guess the joke there is supposed to be that guys have sex in jail and apparently Yayo has sex with guys, therefore Yayo would love to be in jail because he could have sex with as many guys as he wants. Hilarious.
If you’re trying to make a name off the 50 Cent beef, you’re going to have to come with more creativity than gay jokes. That’s the first card everyone pulls whenever they get embarrassed or want to start a fight. “Yeah, well, you, you, you, you’re gay. Take that, take that.” At least show a picture of Tony Yayo smacking a kid. I mean, there are so many ways you could diss 50 Cent and G-Unit and by calling them gay and insinuating that they’re all having sex with each other is just lame.
What’s worse is that if you look at the cover, it says “Vol. 1”. The only time people put a Vol. 1 on there is if they plan to have a Vol. 2. If you look closely at Illmatic or Are You Experienced, you will find that there is no Vol. 1 anywhere on the cover. I have no idea when or why a volume two to “Gay-Unit” is going to be made (I’m not even sure why there’s a volume one), but I feel it’s my duty to at least alert you to the possibility so you’ll respond appropriately when that day comes.
Here’s something that is actually entertaining. Too bad Belmont couldn’t have VCU’d Duke last night. Shout out to Peter Rosenberg.