Not too many people would get grazed with a bullet and them immediately brag about it, but then again, not too many people are Uncle Murder. The next time I talk to Uncle Murder, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say, “Geez, that was a close call, I’m glad you’re all right” like I would to anyone else or if I’m supposed to give him props for not even getting a concussion, as he bragged about on his new “banger” “Hard to Kill”.
“I don’t respect the shooter, he was shooting like a bitch,” Uncle Murder screams over “Hard to Kill”. What, did the shooter have a vacuum or dishrag in one hand and the gun in the other?
At this point is it too late for rappers to capitalize off of coming in contact with bullets? It helped with 50, but when it happened with Gravy, the only sympathy he got was everyone saying his own team set it up.
Just as the whole gangster-pimp-thug persona is slowly dying away, maybe to only make more room for the buffoonery that is known to many as Soulja Boy, I think it’s safe to say that not only should you run and hide from the bullet, bullet, but you should probably do your best to avoid it altogether.
GZA’s been making a lot of noise lately but for all the wrong reasons. It all started with the GZA riling up his fans by dissing 50 Cent and Soulja Boy, but it’s spun out of the Genius’ control at this point. If you remember back to when I interviewed the GZA about his Grandmasters album with DJ Muggs, “Laffy Taffy” was blasting everywhere and he has some choice words to say about gimmick rap then. Peep words from the Genius:
“Lyrically, I could do 50 songs a day rhyming how half these kids are rhyming. ‘I’m chilling in the house, doing an interview, watching TV while I’m talking to you, you asked me a few questions that I couldn’t answer, you said ‘am I in the club?’ but I’m not a dancer!’
Yeah!
‘I turn on the fan because I’m feeling so hot, I get me some weed that I bought from the spot, the police came to the spot and locked us up!’ (laughs) What’s clever in that?”
GZA’s always hated wack shit and that’s one of the reasons we all love him, along with the fact that is one of the best lyricists that hip-hop has ever seen. But dissing 50 Cent and Soulja Boy to yoru fans is like preaching to the choir. Not once have I ever thought about deleting the GZA off the iPod to clear up more space for Soulja Boy. It’s not going to happen today and it’s never going to happen in the future. If fans are already down with the GZA and Wu, then they don’t need to be told how wack a lot of music is out there. We know. We get it. That’s why there’s a large group ranging anywhere from teenagers to 40 year-olds that will stop whatever it is they’re doing and throw their W’s up for even the third-generation distant cousin Wu family member.
Going after Soulja Boy today is pointless today. His fans weren’t going to check GZA out anyway and after GZA dissed him, they certainly won’t check him out. Even if fans of Soulja Boy did check GZA out, they certainly wouldn’t like the music. They’d be scratching their heads after two bars. Hell, Soulja Boy’s fans won’t even be checking for Soulja Boy next week. Those are the same fans that were telling us why they were hot last winter.
GZA, please, don’t fight this battle because no matter how strategic you are, there’s absolutely no way for you to win this one. Soulja Boy is going to be on VH1 10 years from now going back and forth with Sir Mixalot on whose 15 minutes of fame lasted longer while Wu still has a chance to get it together. What I’d really like to see GZA do is put these silly beefs aside and focus on getting the Wu on the same page and come out with some good Wu music (try as I did, 8 Diagrams just didn’t stick with me, but The Big Doe Rehab still gets consistent play). Let’s see that Wu-Tang vs. Shaolin project or at least a song.
Did anyone else notice that one of the rappers suing Ludacris for allegedly stealing “Get Back” is named Markus Vick? Luda should be very careful that the plaintiff doesn’t stomp on his calves while transporting liquor and weed to minors in the Atlanta area. I wonder if Markus has a brother Mikeal who’s adept at choking the life out of dogs. I hope for DTP’s sake that he doesn’t.
Can anyone explain to me how Frank Calliendo ever got on TV? During the baseball playoffs, TBS was constantly airing ads for his upcoming show Frank TV, which usually featured the fat wannabe doing a Jack Nicholson impression. If I thought Jack Nicholson impersonations were funny and entertaining and I wanted to see them, I could just hang out at any bar in the Jersey Shore over the summer and see that kind of action live and free.
Well, apparently Frank didn’t go away after Frank TV started. Fox employed him to do a little bit before their playoff games. His last one (hopefully for good) had him saying that the Patriots “score more than Tommy Lee” and that Peyton Manning is somewhere catching up on Tivo’s episodes of The Gilmore Girls. Hilarious! His first joke is funny because “scores” can also be used as a synonym for “to have sex”. Get it, Tommy Lee has a lot of sex and the Patriots score a lot of points, so “the Patriots score like Tommy Lee”. You can’t buy a finer brand of comedy than that.
And then there’s the joke about Peyton Manning watching The Gilmore Girls. Do you see why that’s funny? He took two completely opposite things and brought them together! A football player watching a girl show? I never thought that could happen, but then again, Frank Calliendo wasn’t there to shed some light in my dark world. Thank you, Frank, for exposing me to your high brand of comedy and thank you, Fox, for having the vision and the foresight for putting such a revolutionary comic genius on TV to better my life.
I’m looking forward to all the Patriots fans who had the audacity to bet against the Giants anteing up on their wagers with me on Sunday night.
05/13 - 
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