Ya know what time it is....it's 730 ! 1/21/2008 10 things Tiki Barber said while watching the Giants advance to the Super Bowl
10. You see how everyone is smiling and laughing? They’re not celebrating, they’re laughing at Eli and his leadership ability.
9. Somehow me retiring is Tom Coughlin’s fault. Memo to self: Ask Ronde for a new Tom Coughlin diss.
8. I told the Buccaneers how to beat the Giants. Don’t they know I’m an expert?
7. If me and Will Allen were back on the team there wouldn’t have even been an overtime.
6. I probably read way more books than Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw – combined!
5. At least I get to wear makeup all the time now. The guys on the team never understood me.
4. If I could pick between having another shot at a Super Bowl versus having a superfluous vocabulary that expands exponentially by the day, I would most certainly undoubtedly without question choose the latter.
3. Who needs a Super Bowl ring when you can just shop at Tiffany’s?
2. I can color-coordinate ties with socks way better than TC.
1. Fumbling Cris Collinsworth’s balls, although enjoyable, just doesn’t give me that same thrill.
First off, props to Eli and the rest of the Giants for giving the Cowboys the long-awaited L. Maybe now Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning will start getting the props they’ve deserved.
First off, one of my beefs this whole season was the debate over whether or not Eli was going to “arrive” or “come out”. The only coming out that went on this year was with Cris Collinsworth and Tony Siragusa. I can’t figure out who’s the bigger windbag, but as long as Cris Collinsworth stays cashing checks from the NFL Network, I don’t think Roger Goodell will have to worry about Comcast picking up the NFL Network. I don’t know if any of you saw it, but after the Seahawks-Redskins game, Collinsworth had a broom and was sweeping and he had the most feminine grin on his face that I had ever seen. You know those people who can’t think up their own jokes so someone tells them a lame joke and they’re so giddy with excitement at the fact that they actually have a joke to tell that they’re laughing too hard to properly deliver it? Collinsworth is that type of douche. Anyway, he was sweeping and I guess the joke was that he was cleaning up or something, but he had the dumbest grin on his face and just held it there like he everyone else was laughing at him too. I was hoping once they cut back to the studio that Beanie Sigel would tell Cris what could happen with him and the broom if he kept up his lame shenanigans.
And then there’s Tony Siragusa. Someone should tell him that being fat, wearing silly hats and big coats (Remember Tommy Boy singing “Fat guy in a little coat”?) and being a male sideline reporter doesn’t make him good at his job. Being a male sideline reporter is like being a male nurse. “You’re a nurse, Focker?”
Anyway, back to Eli. Every former player who gets to wear a suit and makeup on Sunday mornings has made a habit of saying, “This is the week when Eli has to step up and show that he belongs” or “This week is going to be Eli’s coming out.” The last time I checked, Eli may not have the best numbers but he’s one game away from the Super Bowl. The biggest problem Eli has is that he doesn’t seek out the limelight like Tony Romo and he doesn’t get in screaming matches like Phillip Rivers. The dude is quiet and he gets results, which no one really wants. And like everyone else, when Eli is off, he’s off. But when he’s relaxed and playing his game, he’s the man.
And if you look at Peyton Manning, he didn’t win a playoff game until his fourth year in the league – same as Eli. Peyton won two playoff games in his fourth year and reached the conference championships – same as Eli. Peyton has a brother named Cooper – same as Eli. Peyton will make any commercial that allows him to play the role of Napoleon Dynamite – not the same as Eli. Scoreboard – Eli.
I think the main question is when is Tony Romo really going to arrive? Not only has he yet to win a playoff game, he’s been a big reason his guys have lost their last two playoff games. Last year against the Seahawks he fumbled the snap on a field goal that would have won the game. This year he throws an INT to seal the victory for the Giants. Dude has more charisma than Eli, more girls than Eli and Terrell Owens, but he’s got a lot of work to do before you can compare him to Eli Manning or any other quarterback this side of David Carr for that matter.
I really didn’t plan on spending this much time justifying Eli Manning’s place in the NFL, but so many brainless commentators who spend more time thinking of the next crack than giving us actual commentary.
And props to the dude who resembles the Pillsbury doughboy’s alcoholic father way more than an NFL head coach for this gem: “After looking at the tape, I feel like the best team lost the game. I thought we outplayed them. But we lost.” Scoreboard, coach. If you really outplayed the Giants, why did Amani Toomer and Steve Smith own you on offense? If you really outplayed the Giants, why did your offensive line and star quarterback fall apart in the last couple minutes? If you really outplayed the Giants why were they able to score in less than a minute to close out the first half? If you really outplayed the Giants, why did you have 11 penalties for 84 yards while the Giants only had 3 penalties for 25 yards? Look at the tape and convince yourself and all your myopic followers (all two of them) on how you really did win the game, it’s just that you’re not playing next week. Hey, the more you talk about that the less everyone can talk about how you still have yet to win a playoff game.
Another thing that bothered me about this NFL season was how everyone cracked down on Chad Johnson as being a “selfish” guy for his celebrations, like they weren’t all laughing at his celebrations last year. Everyone loved Ocho Cinco last year because he was the “safe” version of Terrell Owens, but now he’s “just another me-first athlete”. I don’t know, these commentators flip-flop just as much as these bloggers when it comes to providing unbiased commentary on what is actually going on.
And T.O. may have 25 million reasons to live but apparently only needs the slightest reason to cry. Get your popcorn ready.
This is just a lingering question I’ve had on Beanie Sigel’s “All of the Above”. On the song. R. Kelly whines, “And Beanie Sigel’s got my back if we run into a snitch”. First of all, why would R. Kelly need help with a snitch? By definition, aren’t snitches supposed to be spineless bums that teenage girls can beat up? And that leads me to my next point. Who would be snitching on R. Kelly besides teenage girls? Does R. Kelly need the Broad Street Bully to help him handle a pack of girl scouts who didn’t want to take time off their route to watch Teletubby reruns?
And who would have thought the queen of hip-hop and R&B was also the queen of the bench press and the clean and jerk?
Who couldn’t tell that Timbaland was on steroids? Are we supposed to believe that through a healthy diet and intense workouts you can transform your body in three months? The same goes for 50 Cent. It really wasn’t a secret to anyone following hip-hop, but the fact that Mary J is on it just makes the whole situation bizarre.
And as fans, who really cares if they’re on steroids? If they want to take that risk and deform their bodies, that’s their call. It’s not like it makes their rhymes any tougher. The only qualm I have with this is the negative message they’re sending to kids, but if kids are listening to their music already, should kids taking up a nasty steroids habit really be the main concern parents have? If kids were as dumb as some people think and took everything literally that they heard in 50 Cent’s music, they’d probably last a week on the streets (at the most).
First Flo Rida blows up with “Low” featuring T-Pain. Then he gets T-Pain, Jr. in Sean Kingston for “Roll”. Why not just record an album with the Transformers? I’ve interviewed Flo Rida twice, and it’s not that he’s a bad guy, but trying to have a conversation with him is like pulling teeth. When the fact that “someone from a baby to a 45 year-old can relate to the beat” is the reason your song is blowing up, chances are it’s not a very good song.
Apparently the new craze is walking with a waddle, at least if Gorilla Zoe and Gucci Mane have anything to say about it. I guess you’re supposed to because you have so much jewelry on and so much money in your pockets, because let’s face it, wearing as much jewelry as Queen Elizabeth and shunning ATM’s like Dwight shuns Jim is the new in thing to do. At least Big Bird and Newman from Seinfeld should be happy about that.
And that’s not the worst thing to happen in the last couple of weeks. Now Bloodraw of USDA has a song out about how he keeps his money in his “Louie Bag”, as he raps on the song of the same title. Basically he talks about how he takes money to the mall and buys things. How many dudes can really identify with that? I can understand going to the mall because you need a new shirt or a new pair of shoes, but how many of us actually look forward to going to the mall? I treat the mall like the Cowboys treat the playoffs – in and out. I really don’t know what to make of this song other than the fact that a dude named Bloodraw carries a designer man-purse and likes to buy things.
I would have had more respect for dude if he made a song called “Fanny Pack”.
“You suckers need Viagra you could never be this hard,” Murphy Lee of the St. Lunatics (if they’re even still a group) raps on “Murph Derty”. In the, uh, song, Murphy Lee talks about how he’s a certified rapper, he’s still that dude, has brand new shoes, shouts out “Batter Up” like it was a classic song, says ladies love him and “car dealers need me”. That’s good to know because I really was a little cloudy on all of that. Thanks for clearing that up. On the third verse, Murphy Lee then shouts out his Beamer, talks about how his jeans are right and his shirt, hat and shoes all match. Then he says you don’t want to battle him. If we believe everything we hear, Murphy Lee is a color-coordinated, certified rapper with nice shoes who you really don’t want to battle on anything. Watch out.
There’s so much smoke and so many mirrors right now that you can’t really blame anyone rushing for the exit door right now.
05/13 - 
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