You’ve got to love the NFL. Dude makes it rain and he’s gone for the year without any formal charges being pressed against him. Another dude, albeit a much fatter, whiter dude, breaks league rules every game and gains an unfair advantage over the other team in every game and he doesn’t even get a slap on the wrist, unless you consider losing a low first round draft pick and a fraction of your salary a slap on the wrist. Props to the NFL for being the gutless, spineless losers we knew they could be.
You’ve also got to love how Dallas Cowboys quarterbacks coach Wade Wilson can get suspended for taking HGH. It’s not like that’s going to help him teach Tony Romo how to not fumble snaps in crunchtime. Instead, it’s going to help him achieve wood to please Mrs. Wilson. Dude can get suspended for that but a fellow coach can openly cheat and he doesn’t even get suspended a game? Wade Wilson’s only problem is that he wasn’t fat enough or white enough (and obviously ED), and if you remember him from his playing days, he was always plenty white.
And shout out to all the myopic New England Patriots fans who love their cheater even more now. Listening to their fans support that fat loser can only remind us of one thing – the prison scene in Clerks 2 where Dante and Randall are professing their love for each other and Jay looks at the two of them and says, “Will you two just fuck and get it over with already?”
And while Tom Brady still has to hit the open receiver, it sure does make it a hell of a lot easier when you know exactly what coverage is coming at you before the ball is snapped.
An important question to is what would have happened if Tony Dungy, Dennis Green (he is who we thought he was, and that’s why he’s out of a job), Romeo Crennel or Lovie Smith was caught videotaping other teams’ signals? I think their contract would have been terminated immediately and they’d be lucky to land an assistant coaching spot for a yet-to-be-unnamed Arena League team.
The Patriots’ coach will remain nameless in the column because typing his name is tantamount to chilling with a constipated Tubgirl – horrific. But if that guy could get away with videotaping other teams during games, imagine everything else he’s taped and gotten away with. You thought there was someone watching you in the shower? Coach was there. You thought it was odd when you saw that red light flashing on you when you were taking a dump at Taco Bell? Coach was just trying to capture the moment. Something just didn’t feel right when you walked into that adult video store in the middle of the day? That wasn’t your boss watching you. That was Coach.
Think of all the women in the New England area that Coach must have footage on. In between getting fatter and being a bitch, dude is probably operating one of those hidden camera porno sites. And you thought players were taking pay cuts because they wanted to get a Super Bowl? Nah, dudes just wanted a few passwords.
What the NFL is basically saying is that if you’re very fat and very white, you can basically get away with anything. Up in South Bend Charlie Weis is jumping for joy. You thought you felt something, didn’t you?
Speaking of Charlie Weis, it’s not so easy to win with your own guys, is it? Fatman did all right when he had Ty Willingham’s guys, but take Brady Quinn and company out of the picture and it’s not so easy anymore, is it?
The Patriots and Notre Dame may suck, but not all of football does. Despite Tom Coughlin having perhaps the most alienating personality of any coach in the NFL right now as well as a strategy that only makes sense to him each Sunday, I’d much rather have him on the sidelines, even if it means not having an actual gameplan. I would much rather have a coach that forces Tiki Barber into retirement than have a cheater like the Patriots’ coach who proved to anyone who didn’t believe it that it’s not about what you do but who you sleep with.
Is anyone else a little disappointed that the Soundscan numbers for Kanye and 50 are out? This has been one of the most thoroughly entertaining weeks in hip-hop that I can remember, even if a lot of the antics were canned and thought up months in advance. At least Kanye and 50 were able to release solid albums and be themselves while promoting it. Props to both of them for the past few weeks.
And if Cam or Game come out with a 50 diss track now, the only thing that would prove is that they do in fact have vaginas where balls are supposed to be. You can’t stay silent the whole time and then wait ‘til the end and come in with a guffaw like Nelson.
Coming in like that on 50 now is like the kid in high school who thinks he’s too good for the team so he doesn’t try out, so he stands in the hallway of every game watching the other kids light it up until they lose that one important game. Then said loser can walk by coach and give him a nod like, ‘I told you so.’
And how about 50 getting Jay-Z on his remix and then dissing Def Jam on the day the remix leaks out? I don’t even know if 50 can get away with that.
I saw my first episode of Rap City in a long time this past Friday when 50 and crew took it over. I guess all’s well between 50 and Buck because Buck was pretty hyper on the set, calling out anyone 50 didn’t feel like calling out. And Lloyd Banks was sitting there half asleep, looking like he’d rather be filming another one of his adult films or…nah, dude just looked like he wished he was sleeping.
Getting in the booth is something that comes as no surprise to any guest on Rap City. It’s probably the best and most played-out feature of the show at the same time, because the only booth some of those dudes deserve to be in is a phone booth. The booth took Prodigy by storm that day. I don’t even know if dude got six bars out before he looked at the mic like the NFL looks at racial equality.
And even if Hollywood Hav spit lines from The Kush, at least he lasted longer in there than the average dude could last in Tubgirl.
When Tubgirl’s not the most disgusting thing mentioned in the column, you know something’s wrong.