Who would have thought bathrooms could be so dangerous? 

The most surprising thing to me over this whole Larry Craig bathroom scandal is that people actually go poop in public restrooms. When you have to go you have to go and that’s really no joke, but with a little planning and common sense, you can completely avoid using public bathrooms. 

Just substitute that punchbowl of Kashi for an omelet with extra cheese. 

Larry Craig had a great excuse to the whole scandal, completely vindicating himself and erasing any doubt that he’s just another anklegrabbing senator. He claims that his foot touched the other dude’s foot because he’s a wide man and struggles when unzipping his pants. I doubt Pen has ever touched any feet when dropping a fecal bomb. Although I also think that everyone sees Pen walk into the bathroom and flees before using the water that makes your hands feel greasy. Those people lose out because then they can’t lose half their skin to the turbo-charged handblower.  

Idaho, you must be so proud. 

And one thing about Larry Craig – if you’ve had to deny rumors that you’re gay for 25 years, there may just be something to those rumors. 

On a very positive note, I never thought that being ugly and having smelly poop would be such a blessing. 

And if I ever see Larry Craig walking into a bathroom and I’m about to have explosive diarrhea, I’m either finding a tree, ducking behind baggage claim or blasting it straight out into the pants. Safety first. 

There was always this rumor that a major label was going to sign Rhymesayers to a distribution deal. I heard that Slug and Brother Ali were waiting at baggage claim for the A&R for hours but he never made it…Now that we know what goes on in the Minneapolis airport’s bathroom, it’s safe to say why the A&R never made it past the bathroom. 

Another thing about bathrooms – I always get grossed out when I’m washing my hands and I see motherfuckers walk straight from the stall out the door, pausing briefly to stare in utter disdain at the sink before realizing that soap and water is so beneath them. Automatic paper towel dispenser? Don’t even mention it to them. Needless to say, I don’t like to go out much. 

One universal truth I learned about handwashing – you can not say that a certain group doesn’t do it while another group does it all the time. To look at the glass in a half-full kind of way, I think that more people wash their hands than not, but you never can pick the dirty germbag out in a crowd. 

Bathrooms are weird places though. I’m always a little creeped out when I’m at a restaurant and a dude is taking a poop and talking on his cell phone. This past weekend I overheard a conversation I wish I didn’t hear. 

“Will you come out with me?” (pause) “Will you at least wait up for me?” (pause) “Well, if you’re asleep when I get home I’m going to lick you all over.” It must be that time of year when fraternity brothers start hazing the pledges… 

If anyone’s looking for a G-Dep update, I have it – his latest move was requesting my friendship on MySpace. I wonder if he prefaces every message he sends on MySpace with the term “Special Delivery” or if MySpace just assumes that every message G-Dep sends is, in fact, a special delivery. 

50 versus Kanye. Kanye versus 50. Have you had enough yet? You haven’t? Good, because it’s not going to stop until September 20, a day after the new Soundscan will come out telling us which album sold more, or if you’re into the dramatic, who’s the current king of hip-hop until Jay-Z, Eminem or Dr. Dre decide to drop a new album. 

Anyway, I’m not here to advocate for either one of them or say that one is better than the other. After listening to both albums, it’s clear that 50 did 50 and Kanye did Kanye. It’s really a lot simpler than it seems. And if you like both, cop both. 

Regardless of how you feel about either artist, there is a huge positive surrounding this situation. Maybe the best thing to happen with this “battle” is that people actually seem excited to go to their Best Buy or record store and buy 50, Kanye or both. Heck, some people seem excited to go to Best Buy just to look at the two CDs before deciding on a $4.99 DVD and a six-week subscription to Sports Illustrated. 

Early reports are saying that Kanye is going to outsell 50. First off, does it really matter? If you really break it down, all that means is that more people wanted to support Kanye than 50. If 50 sells more, it just means that more people wanted to support 50. Honestly, if you really care that much about who sells more records, you should probably just find a local sports team, pick up their schedule and a t-shirt with their logo on it and start going to their games because at least sports games aren’t fixed. Wait, I’m getting a telegram about Bill Belichick...never mind. 

But if Interscope lets Kanye’s Graduation outsell Curtis, that’s really not going to be a good look for “The Machine.” We all know both labels are going to be buying back copies of their albums and having stores scan a few extras for them, but if Interscope can’t buy back more copies of Curtis than Def Jam can of Graduation, then “The Machine” may need some oil. 

Another positive that came from the 50 Cent/Kanye “battle” – people forgot about Michael Vick for a week. 

Soulja Boy just released a song called “Soulja Girl.” Apparently his next single is going to be “Soulja Dog.” Then there’s going to be the touching “Soulja Family” combining the three. After a week or two, there will be “Soulja Family Planning” before “Soulja Baby” drops. Then it’s on to “Soulja Desk” and “Soulja Lamp” before “Soulja Yardwork” and “Soulja Yardwork.” That Home Depot demographic is so valuable today. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m getting on my Soulja Couch and watching my Soulja TV to see how the rest of this Soulja Story plays out. 

Despite my constant pleas, his label would not listen to my concerns for a “Soulja Spellcheck.” 

Soulja Sim City coming soon! 

Tiki Barber better stay on point with his broadcasting or he may lose his job to a fellow New Yorker. Knicks guard Stephon Marbury is scoring more points with humanity for calling a sexual harassment trial against Isaiah Thomas “a joke.” Regardless of whether or not you think the trial is a joke, most people probably don’t like hearing you say that. I really do appreciate your honesty here, but for the sake of your own career, unless you’re on the Roger Clemens Plan, it’s probably best for you to concentrate on getting your 30 shots a night and not call dogfighting a sport until Spellcheck recognizes it as a real word. Probably the best part of the article was the end. I just want to know what song Marbury was singing: 

“Then he left the courthouse, smiling and singing a song out loud. When pressed to divulge more about his relationship with the intern, he instead commented cheerfully on a reporter's shoes.” 

What I find most amazing about this whole thing is that the reporter probably wasn’t wearing the Starburys (because I have never actually seen anyone wear them, ever), yet dude was totally cool with that. And they said Steph could never grow up. Word on the street is that as soon as he got into his car, the shoot first/shoot second guard stated that the potato sack race and red rover were also sports. I wasn’t there, but various reports say that right after that bold statement, Stephon put on his stunna shades, pointed to the sky and his jetcar took off, leaving everyone in a smokecloud of exhaust and free Starbury shoes. Mayor Bloomberg was rushed to the scene to devise a plan on how to get rid of the shoes, as local and international shelters had already faxed in requests to the mayor’s central office asking him to keep the shoes to himself. 

Pap, what is “Fitted Hat Low”? There’s a huge difference between trying to make a song for the club versus dumbing down your material to the point where it just gets disrespectful to your fans. 

And you can only say that about certain artists. I have certain expectations for Papoose and he’s not meeting them. There are a lot of artists that I have no expectations for which is why I don’t even notice their songs. 

And no, “Fitted Hat Low” did not motivate me to cop a fitted hat and wear it low. Maybe I will reconsider when “Fitted Soulja Hat Low” comes out. 

I have to go brush my teeth with my Soulja Toothbrush. I have a feeling that Soulja Alarm Clock is going to be ringing early.